"why don't you,"
said the Lofty Man
warily considering me,
"sing of the Sublime
the Grand, The Divine?
Sing you of the Uncommon
the Mystery
of the Spiritual, the Religious
of the Incomprehensible -
why don't you?"

"Cos,"* I said,
pushing the toothpick
between my teeth
(the ****** food bits always get stuck in between),
"I've been  
to the mountain top there
and I've seen the Sublime
is just O so, so Common
so battered Trivial"
(Then I spat out the food bits -
O it was Divine Bliss, just like in post-******)

"My sweet baby girl."
And my heart jumps
A smile touches my lips
Just before they touch yours
Where we can taste the
Subtle edges of love
Held deeper than words express.

The trees can't believe we
give each other gifts as they are dying.

The firs whisper secrets
to stay alive in winter.

The maples die quietly.
They want to be alone.

You have stamped yourself upon me
with the holiday. You are the gift I
gave myself.

We talk about God.
Who else could have invented such temperatures?
The oaks are restless for an answer
before all their leaves are orange.

Somebody is reading a story, aloud.
I stay outside to hear how it ends: shivering, but
listening, because the last word is "spring".

Your secret is inside of me, a beehive queen.
We hum, and sleep, and wonder when
we might emerge and sing.

I remember the morning Tuesday was invented—
how gleeful we sang across the streets—
forgetting that the day after tomorrow would be Thor’s day
and that one we didn’t own, too.

I remember the bathroom stalls, the sins of Leviticus
we survived
comforting our confusion with the indulgence that God too
love man, kind.

Let the purgatory full of half good men sing about their sins
with pride and laugh at the moons and stars for being without limbs
and tongues to protest their innocence and Idontgiveadamnisms;

For I remember being fed the tenets of heterosexual history in elementary school
yet wondering why queer gods are the ones named after the planets.

the door opens to Neko's Grill
I turn, as I do with the opening of any door,
expecting it to be Anna, expecting her
face to go from that smilerest to that
statuesque, expecting that stone
to send me to her side in the hospital,
the time when the pills took too fast
and she didn't carry it out,
hospital gown, grey dots, white backdrop
my glasses filled up
and I watched my tears land on Anna's
cheek,
she wiped them away
"I love you" didn't bridge the space
in the waiting room
I poured a cup of coffee for her grandpa
I brimmed it
stupidly
and his shaky hands burned
and he told me he couldn't talk to me
and I knew why
so when he bellowed
the whole agony of the whole
human famile smoldered out of him
he leaned against me
we both burned
but the woman who walks
into Neko's isn't Anna
she's a decade older at least
her brunette hair tucked into
a knitted cap
she looks confident
quiet, if a person can look quiet,
and I wish she would say
I forgive you