I'd always been afraid
of the vast depth of the ocean
and its endless, unforgiving tides
The way it could trace along your skin
or pull you in and under
to weigh down your lungs with the current
The way it listened to no one
only the gentle pull of the moon

I met you
and for a moment
I mistook you for the ocean
endless pools in your eyes
but they were forgiving
calm tides during the sunrise
You traced along my skin
and pulled me in, but not under
you kept me close and helped me breathe
filled my lungs with your smile
And you listened to me
and my gentle pull at your sleeve
so maybe you are the ocean
and the moon might be me

I am jealous that the sun has kissed your skin for longer than I
and I am jealous of the way your clothes get to hang onto your frame
I am jealous of the way your sheets can wrap themselves around you every night
and I can not always do the same
I want to be the one wrapping myself around you
I want to pull you closer, so close that your heart knows that we're both in sync
Intertwine our hands so that maybe our veins will intertwine too
a continuous circuit unable to carry anything other than love
Maybe you are now my blood
I don't mind if it consumes me, if you envelop me completely
because I am already devoted to you in ways I cannot convey
I woke up with your name tattooed on my ribs, carved into bone, engraved onto my soul
and I didn't notice because it was the most natural thing I'd ever felt
Loving you was like a calling from something higher
installing faith in me that I did not know I was capable of holding
and I will hold my faith in you even if I lack the limbs to physically do so
because I know that as long as you are the lighthouse on the coast
guiding me through storms, typhoons, hurricanes
that I am capable of breathing and growing until no storms can hold me
until I consume tides and still the oceans and I will do it for you
I'll do anything as long as it is for you, with you

I fell for him three times
The first time I fell for him he captivated me with his words. He had mastered the twenty six letters and all their possible combinations and could play them better than any instrument. He could create laughter, happiness, joy in me, effortlessly, continuously, endlessly. When we conversed between days, without voices, it was like he already knew what I sounded like despite never hearing me speak a word. It was like he had browsed through my collection of tattered books and torn sketches and scratched cds despite never having stepped foot in my room. It was like he had watched me during moonlit hours while I watched each raindrop kiss the earth goodnight despite never having seen the moon dance across my skin.  He didn't know this though. I was timid, consumed entirely by doubt and insecurity, fearful that my arms could not yet quite reach out far enough and it was early spring and the sun and breeze were gentle and couldn't push me quite yet. I had fallen though, the bruises were on my grazed knees to mark the occasion. He took my hand in his own, lingered, and pulled me up.
The second time I fell for him he captivated me with his presence. People terrified me. People could make the air cling to me and I would quickly be submerged but never quite manage to drown, but not him. No, not him. When he entered a room, it seemed bigger, there was more air. When he entered a room, the colours were brighter, there were so many more colours. When he entered a room, the music played loud, the beat got faster. This should have terrified me, but it mesmerised me. They say that people have smiles that can light up rooms, his smile could light up a thousand rooms all at once, and that's what he did. He lit up every chamber of my heart and old, dusty corners that hadn't seen light in years were suddenly graced with his wonderful presence. Watching his hands tap the surfaces around him made me realised how empty the spaces between my fingers were. He could never leave a surface without making sure he'd tapped out a rhythm on to it, like he was creating his own song in each moment, in each day, and leaving pieces of it behind for others to find and when he tapped out a rhythm on to me for the first time I knew that I wanted to hear how it ended even if it meant I needed to be in every moment and every day. I wanted him to collect the pieces.
The third time I fell for him he captivated me with his heart. My heart was brightly lit near him now, and it yearned to stay that way. The light brought heat and instead of shivering my heart could beat like it should. I needed to be closer. My heart desired to leave my chest and move into his and it was something I could no longer fight. The sun magnified this new warmth in me and pushed me further. I led him through and he followed. No one followed. He always followed. I fell then in front of him and he followed still. We fell into place like puzzle pieces, a natural event, words spilling out from me in an order that even I struggled to untangle and what should have been a jumbled mess as I hit the floor he had smoothed out without a second thought. Still a master of those twenty six letters, but instead of words he spilled tears as we lay in tall grass that was wet with the rain we had already missed. I knew then that I was in love with him, without doubt.

Love is their name but it is not the name they go by. It's not on any papers, it's not what they sign their letters with, it's not what they'll introduce themselves as, but it is their name all the same. They don't know it, you don't know it, but it's still their name. Maybe you'll try and tell others that their name is love, you'll paint it on their body like it's a canvas. You'll try and stuff love into their mouths. You'll try and believe that your eyes are tinted with a shade of love they bring. Others will try and tell you that your name is love and maybe you'll believe them, maybe you'll sign letters and emails and paint pictures with love as your name, but it will never be your name. You'll find love, they'll open their mouths and their lips will form a name hundreds of miles away from love and you'll believe them, but in time each word will kiss their lips goodbye and every single whisper will sound closer and closer to the word love. In time you'll hold their hand and feel their pulse and you'll swear that it's speaking to you in Morse code, spelling out love, you'll swear that you're losing your mind but it's true. In time you'll be the one to kiss their words goodbye, you'll press your lips to theirs and the only word you're able to say whilst searching for their name is love. In time their name will become synonymous with love. In time they will become love. In time their name will be love, and you'll know because it will be your name too.

Do you remember when you fell for thirty minutes
and when you landed the impact split the earth into seven thousand shades of blue hue
and not a word left your lips, they wouldn't do that without kissing you goodbye
I kept my hands clasped together the whole time, but you don't remember that
because you weren't really there, not until the next time
when everything was new but you already knew it all far too well
the lines were already written, you'd rehearsed them your whole life
no, you hadn't, because you never thought you'd need them, really
because you were never clumsy and you never fell
kept yourself steady under thirty layers of armour
but who knew that tides had hands with which to hold you
and undress your layers without hesitation
and who knew that love had a name
but I learnt it quickly
your name
I learnt it like it was scripture, scripture that I believed in
and kept your pages close to my chest looking only when you told me to
redefining blind faith, as you taught me to see to eradicate the blind
to find not divinity, but affinity beneath your cover
wrapped around your spine

You count to three
the longest passing of time you have ever witnessed
and then you breathe, a hand outstretched as though to catch the oxygen
and there's a stillness in the air, in fact there may not be anything
just the longest passing of time
and you're conspiring against the hands on the clock
that hold you down for the greater good
they tell you it's for the greater good
but you know that your skin should not heave this way
as each second reaps another day from your grasp
but the days were never really yours to hold
nothing belongs to you and nothing longs to be held by you
and you're a burning lighthouse on the coast
but no one needs you to work the way you should for them to see
so they let you burn down to your knees
and you listen for the ticking of your time bomb
but you can't hear it any more over the ticking of your time
and you will burn down to the ground but time will continue ticking
because it was never really yours to hold
you burn down to the ground
as you count to three

I take out my organs hurriedly, like I can't get them out quick enough
spread them out sloppily before you, a grotesque pile of flesh to be admired
You shake your head, disapproval
It's not enough
so I reach into myself further, grasping whatever loose veins I can find
praying that weak muscles will give, snapping bones to frame the masterpiece
to confine it to your field of vision
You shake your head, disapproval
It's not enough
so I wring out my limbs as you breathe out cold smoke into my throat
I choke, and you love the sound
creating a melody out of haggard breaths as you strangle my warmth
you stayed up all night composing new rhythms out of twenty six letters
and wrote them on your palms to wrap around me later
and it's never enough
I'm your vision of hell, an apocalypse
I'm the night you couldn't find your way home and slowly drowned in the rain
I'm the hole in the ground you won't see before you fall to your knees
and spill the contents of your skull along the pavement
I'm the car crash that you dream of getting into some days
and you can make it go away, exorcise your demons
the answer in the end of me
dying to make you happy
I'm dying to make you happy
pouring cement and gasoline down my throat, into a mould
hollowing myself out
to become a carcass on the roadside
to bleed out into the earth