The love scene:

Many years have passed, in the normal way years do, more or less. I am an old lady now. As an old lady, I sit quietly alone, as I have throughout my life. To tell you where, and when, and what I was thinking all seems to matter very little any more.  It is on this day, this day not unlike any other, amid the many signs that I have searched for, beyond the many sunrises I have driven through, interrupting thoughts, my usual, you see I have not changed that much at all. I am thinking how I will not miss this place, this world, no more than I have missed any other…

She comes in without a word. Into my life, what very little has managed to remain of it; I would have thought there to be no room left for another soul. But there she is, beautiful, and I smile. I smile for the first time in a very long time, who knows how long exactly, and time, it does not matter any more. It has passed, that is all I know, it has come and gone…yet here she is, here is what I have longed for all this time, all these days of searching, they have lead me here.

The words come fast and easy, words that were locked up for so long, what was always meant to be said free and unleashed at last. All the hidden truths. The words tell our stories effortlessly, rapidly coming full circle, as it all does in the end. So much we have done, yet so much left to do that we will not… So many minutes and mishaps and memories that will never be made, that can only be looked back upon now through the imagination of a fate less cruel.

We stand and she takes my hand. We walk together into the nothingness, there is no one any more, only her and I, and we walk on for a few steps or maybe miles, I will never be sure. They say it is not the destination it’s the journey, but this is my destination, healing all pains of my life long journey, and it is ending. I feel it ending as it has begun.

We walk on through the birth of trees and the change of seasons, we are one, reunited in the daydream I had tried to enter so many times. It is her! She is what I had tried to wake up to all those moments of almost, it is she who was held from me, as I was forced to live this universe alone… It is the scene on the back of my eyelids, but outfacing now, looking out at the world instead of into it, and the beauty is blinding, so blinding that what I see now is only new, and as the sun sets, all is dark. And beautiful.

As we lie down in the grass, beneath some mother tree, I know I will spend the rest of my life with her, for the rest of my moments I will be happy. The peace I have searched for, the love that has evaded me, in my ending day on earth I have found the one to spend those final moments with. It does not matter the time we have. Our love could not be greater had it spanned a thousand years.

She is still holding my hand, tighter now, as the blackness fades to gray. The world dips in and out of focus as we shift into our new dimension. No words are needed now. The last thing I sense of the earth, and of this body that held me there, is the beating of our hearts, beating as one in perfect rhythm, slowing now together like a song coming to an end. No final grand farewell, but perhaps no dissolution either. As we escape together into the next realm, all I feel is happiness, knowing that death will not be what my life was.

All the pain, all the tears, all the desperation and despair that plagued me as I walked is worth it now as I lie beside her, no longer alone, no longer debating, no longer scared. I leave this life on the very best day that it contained, and I leave in the company of that I have not known, love…

i am not just a pretty face and i am not just my sadness.
i am a question that has no answer.
i am a more than a collection of mistakes. i am a collection of words and photographs and more than a few good stories.
i am laughter and sarcasm and tears. a rebel with a forgotten cause.
i am compassion.
i am at once caring too much and too little. the world has never been enough for me.
i am forever picking up the pieces, forever apologizing even when i’m right.
i am a collision of mind and circumstance. a million bad memories set on repeat.
i am one long, sad requiem. i am the soundtrack to my days.
i am dismal, haunting images of regret. i strive to be part of the beauty around me.
i am a writer. i am a free mind with a shackled soul.
i am no one’s enemy and no one’s friend. i am alone and always have been.
i am jealousy and fear.
i am disappointment to myself and to those who knew me then.
i am a wrong turn and a snap decision.
i am selfish and guilty and i don’t know why.
i am unconvinced of everything. i am doubtful, disheveled, and disproportionately hopeful.
i am a creator of life and a healer of ills. i cry every day for what i’ve lost.
i am forever searching and i’ll never find it. i take comfort in the thought of the universe.
i am but a fleeting phantasm in this brief reality

A girl with arms spread out wide
fingers grasping at nothingness
long black hair billowing, cigarette in hand
blank face lost amid endless, black, and empty eyes
smoke seeping from her mouth as though to speak
falling backward now, downwards from the sky
plummeting, pulled towards the earth
an Icarus with melting wings…
city lights blaze beneath her, awaiting a cremation, holding out for redemption
you can see one wing already spiraling to the ground…

Into the abyss of my soul I am gazed
A delusional experiment of the Gods
Zippered in this maze that has no exits
Slowly poisoned as I’m fed cremated love
High I swim among the fish and the stars
But I am not one of them…
And at the end of the dream, I am forced to return
Unto this agony
This cancered cell called Earth
In the abyss of my soul I am crazed

Every now and then remember to breathe.
Close your eyes and let the crowd carry you along.
The haze of heat disorients you but you welcome this new feeling, so new it defies description
as words to describe it have withered from your vocabulary these last years.
Excitement, apprehension, a billowing breeze of freedom perhaps.
Out of habit in recognizing how to feel, let alone attempting to transpose it to paper once again
after such a long absence from yourself and this world and caring to remember this day.
It is standing tip toe on top of a bridge over the clear diamond façade, a pristine ocean.
Opening your arms out wide; the whipping wind creates waves equal in your hair,
brings tears to your eyes and captures your breath.
You can’t wait to fall.
Not to end it all, but to begin what’s next, because you know that there is more.
You know that what lies ahead is better, better than this…
You welcome this and all feelings as they’ve been missed for this long time.
You wonder where they’ve gone, the feelings unremembered, some purposefully forgotten.
For surely they had to have existed, and are therefore somewhere.
Some dimension must still hold them; perhaps they are not the only thing missing.
The need to find who you were all that time so that you can continue…
But for now, for now the horizon is beautiful.
Driving home through the next sunrise won’t make you cry, for there is freedom just beyond.
That is what this feeling is…

The day was ghostly pale on which this tragic tale unfolds
The wind blew icy gasps of breath on crimson leaves of gold
What eerie silence sings among the blackened air so weary
What anticipation grows in frozen ground so dreary
From a sky of slate grey wonder
No weeping rain to cry
On heart heavy fog did all time wait
For the little girl to die
The charcoal paint upon her eyes leaks down her face of white
Her heart pours pain from scarlet lips
It aches this mournful night
The time ticks by
Bleeds aches from mortal wounds inside
Until her eyes of blue run dry
Until at last her soul is bare
Exists no hopeful song to care
At last she sees through drowning eyes
The melody of doleful sighs
From somewhere screams a blade of magic
To end this life of love so tragic
At last she knows what she must do
To **** these withered pearls of rue
Upon an ancient oaken desk
A melancholy knife does rest
And through two bleeding eyes of grief
The metal cursed with blessed relief
Lays waiting like some treasured key
The one last chance to set her free
No longer the girl in candlelight dim
Would weep for her lost thoughts of him
No longer would she endure the pain
That worsened with each dying rain
No longer would she have to stay
To bear her heart for one more day
And never had she felt such bliss
When thinking what joy would be this
For the day was ghostly pale outside
And she was tired of having to hide
Then once more the clock did chime
She hears it for the one last time
For a moment it pounds inside her ears
She stiffens with her deadly fears
Her fingers wrap around the knife
The stone cold steel to take her life
She stabs it deep into her heart
The last pain felt from the world she’ll part
And then with shaking hands of bone
The young girl dies there, all alone.

Tonight the stars are strobe lights in the black light sky
Suspended by spider webs of ***** smoke, weaving themselves through the nitrous air
The music never fades…
Pulsating chords and tambourine clashes
A glittering ground of glow sticks and jewels and glow-in-the-dark eyeball paints defying our invisibility
We pretend our life is not this
All the world is a rave