The alcohol  tickles like a feather duster
my brains implode as my lungs shudder
what's dead is dead, a corpse cannot rise
alas I have not yet become everything i ever despised

my nightmares are as common as my dreams
happiness is decaying, it seems
I look at my broken face in my shattered mirror
when the void opens, only despair is the winner

my sky was blue, my sun was bright
my fond memories are fading from my sight
like an astronaut roving the starscapes beyond
constantly I'm thinking are my decisions right

or are they wrong?

the lies explode like flak around me
I've seen so much horror i can barely see
but through it all
my past
my torment
scenes ghastly and abhorrent

I look from a window inside my mind
a place when things are critical i hide
like a star shining in the moonlight glare
I touch my heart

and feel that i still care.

It’s a pretty litlle place to call home
a burnt out shell when you’re rotting and gone
a box full of lies, buzzing like flies – sick and intense
a sorrow that simmers, a suffocating incense

Cut your fingers to bleeding stumps
your thoughts clatter round and around, and jump -
it’s all in your head, in your self-destructing mind
you run and run but can’t leave it behind

It follows, devilish and deceptive
your shadow, one ego a blade merciful and acceptive
again you burn the flesh to forget you’re still sane
but you can never escape your own pain

What’s done is done but never forgiven
who am I to play god, I get what I’m given –
if I give in to my insanity, to my fascinations and fears
tell me; will I sleep tonight with no sign of tears?

Did you mistake empathy in my eyes,
my face deathly white and dead
as deep down something broken cries

I shattered myself and was born anew
from the blank numbness an epiphany grew
for why should I care about others
when I'm dejected by all, the darkness covers,

there are rings around my sockets
but I'm wearing designer shirts with fortune in my pockets
my words, once cracked, now slyly lilt
embers of mistrust glow from what I was built

the Thin White Joke has returned
and away the fog of depression he burns
a depreciated figure approaching from the darkness
his strength and bitterness I harness

for I'm desperate, I needed a way out
when I reached to those I loved they ignored my shouts,
so now I've turned to the cruellest corner of my mind
for I know with the Badrock Lover happiness I will find.

My head's like a fortress, I keep my thoughts shut away
my heart is a failed church whereupon I go to pray
the birds seem to float in the golden morning sky
as my eyes bleed from a sleepless night of cries

CRASH!

every castle falls, nothing but shattered memories and rubble
lies and pretence form around like a protective bubble -
I gaze at myself in the mirror with no recognition
once a beacon of strength bled dry by self-mutilation

emotions seeping out like radioactivity
ideas twisted, obscure, lacking creativity
infected by the evil I've strived to appease
anger bulging from the vaults of disease

I can't hold it anymore, my insides are imploding
(corrosive)
surviving with a fear you can taste, ugly and foreboding
(explosive)
cursing my body of scars physical and transparent
on the outside my torture is far from apparent

seeking a saviour, someone to eat away my flesh when it goes black
I'm sick, I'm dying, I just need to go back
to the origin of the despair that's tainted my whole existence
then maybe, just maybe, I can find happiness without any persistence.

*(alas, if only)

A weary lone wanderer running on strength that's sprained
the survivor of a conflict that has left him drained
he walks the streets, paranoia bloating his skull
mentally exhausted, normal life mundane and dull,

reality after the fallout is twisted and pained
the questions that once seethed now die unanswered, unexplained
how could it happen, why should it, why is life so unfair?
Alas he walks the road surrounded by people that no longer care

there's no danger, for it perished when the Lord finally resolved
but the pollution in his mind still remains sick and unsolved
the past ripped apart his sanity, threatened his physical health
now he lives a lie, forever hating himself

for how is he supposed to accept what happened just 'did'
how am I supposed to now take back happiness and peace after they hid?

And when the rest of the world sleep their silent sleepy dreams
the lone wanderer cries to night and breaks at the seams.

Open up your pretty blue eyes and tell me what you see
a liar, a cheat, a shadow festering and torn
or a desperate heathen fighting to be free?

I walk these streets, once with pride, now with a limp
once I could breathe the air and smile, now it stinks,
I don't want a God but I want his power
to turn the ashes blue and the flies to flowers

I'd rebirth the sun to its former brilliant matrimony
at ease with a crystal blue sky, pure harmony
purging the stench of pollution and decay
I'd bleed gold from all that is grey

you only know you're living when you've felt pain
not when you've amassed filth, fortune and fame
life was never meant to be easy, the dark days to rival the good
everyone has a hidden torture seething through their blood -

So open your eyes you beautiful creature
look past my scars, my sins, my horrific machinations and features

saviours aren't like the fairytales, your heroes now wear masks
for it's in perfection that the fat belly of evil basks.

A phoenix rising with smouldering wings
again I drag myself up even though it stings
surrounded by the ash of my filthy lies
finally, finally, pushing away all I ever despised

life broke me down, the shadow I tried to appease
tearing my heart out and falling to my knees -

what's the point in living when you wish you were never born
why try to fan away the flames with a flag that's torn

I wear a different face everyday like a new fashion
I've learnt to pretend and forge false passion
masquerading so much I no longer know who I am
a sad delinquent wreck I'd love to say I'm more than

but the days pass slower, tainted by grey
I fear death but yet I don't want to stay
sickened by the festering tumour of mundanity
I turn to the twisted romance of my insanity

but I have no true friends
merely another being with loose ends

oh I'm so tired, it just drains

the loneliness is calm but it pains

I razored stiletto in my side

alas I must push it to the back of my mind.


*For why do we fall?
To rise back up.