Lesley Rautenbach

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

I don’t think,
I even know what I want anymore?
I am no longer in sync,
And I am burnt out at my core,

Any possibility that comes my way,
I throw my hands up in defence,
And warn them to rather stay away,
Nothing will the pain I’ve felt recompense,

It’s hard not to act on ones inhibitions,
The need to feel in yourself homely,
And not to act on past intuitions,
So just crown me miss lonely,

Avoiding emotional availability has become a stealth,
As I remain my own one and only,
Just coherent to myself,
So just crown me miss lonely.

I am the singular that can appease just me,
My heart of which now avoids love stonily,
In love? ha! There are many a other things I’d rather be,
So just crown me miss lonely,

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

No Longer Shall This Lion Roar

I don’t care anymore,
As mankind on my ways does implore,
I am one to mind my own business,
And for man obtained my own weariness,

For no matter how I try to be,
For all my true self to see,
There will always be those my ways do annoy,
And so with them comes the want to destroy,

Like a kamikaze fighter set on their mission,
But not for their country do they fight,
But rather head on for my omission,
Their delight.

I’ve fought so many kinds of man,
Poets, bullies, friends and clan,
I’ve stood for more than just myself,
As men wish others ways to engulf,

I have fought many a battle,
Though I may be young,
Many my cage have rattled,
And many I just barely won,

Yet I just don’t care anymore,
Not many a thing can joy in a soul restore,
There is only so much fight one can give,
And only so long on a battlefield one can live,

I fought for the feeble and the strong,
Fought for them all who in time did me wrong,
So no longer shall this lion roar,
It is battered and bruised and just doesn’t care anymore.

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

Didn't Shed A Tear

I prayed a little prayer that night,
The night I fell for you,
Because I knew I’d hold on too tight,
And re-break my heart to two,

But I still gave it all my time,
Because it felt good while it lasted,
Our little love story was in its prime,
Maybe even just past it,

I had a little feeling,
That you’d hurt me if I let you,
I felt it was time I’m stealing,
And that slowly I should let go,

You see they always do,
If you let them,
Break your heart in two,
It’s we ourselves we condemn,

But you see my little prayer,
Worked like a secret whisper,
I was already too aware,
Of the scars upon a blister,

You couldn’t cut my surface,
Even though I wished you to,
My mind she was too nervous,
And my heart love outgrew,

Your pauses said-beware,
Your ignorance bid me a due,
Your messages read- I don’t care,
And before I knew it we where through

You avoided my questions like a plague,
And pretended all the way,
But though your answers where vague,
I knew what you couldn’t say,

Then finally I wore you thin,
And you admitted there was her,
I felt good that my sense did win,
And at the end I didn’t shed a tear.

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

Little Monster

There is this little monster,
That torments me day and night,
That my peace does squander,
And my teddy cannot fight,

It comes to me in darkness,
This little monsters power,
Its eyes they’re heartless,
From the cold I can’t help but cower,

There is this little monster,
Who everyday does mock me,
And Ensures I will not prosper,
It will not let me be,

It tends to haunt me often,
Sometimes in the light,
Its words do never soften,
And its hold on me is tight,

There is this little monster,
Who loves to see me cry,
I pray for its departure,
And it wishes for my spark to die,

It watches me each day,
And knows my every thought,
It waits for me to decay,
And my wound for which it sought.

There is this little monster,
That no one else can see,
Nobody else does it bother,
Because this little monster-lives in me.

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

Sometimes

We all feel broken-Sometimes
Somewhere along our paths
We all need to cry-sometimes
When onto the edge we grasp

Sometimes we’re lonely
Sometimes we’re lost,
Sometimes feel a little stony,
As life’s shadows upon us cast,

I’m my biggest enemy
Have You ever felt that way?
Sometimes I’m unfriendly,
With the words that I do say,

I’m my biggest bully
Have you ever hurt yourself?
Sometimes- I know I’m being silly,
But with words I beat myself,

I’m my biggest flaw,
My biggest blemish and my biggest heartache,
As I at my surface claw,
And my own happiness I take,

I’m my biggest monster,
And I know you’ve been there too,
Sometimes- you scare yourself,
Sometimes- haven’t a clue?

We all feel broken-Sometimes
Somewhere along our paths
We all need to cry-sometimes
When onto the edge we grasp

Sometimes- we’re so empty,
We’re Barely even a shell,
Sometimes- we pretend to be contently,
So that Sometimes- no one can tell.

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

Butterfly

Butterfly
That has not flown with many a passing moon,
Butterfly,
It is as though yesterday you emerged from your cacoon,

Butterfly,
No longer is there any beauty inked wings,
Butterfly,
How your trampled wings sting,

Butterfly,
That once harmony and beauty spoke,
Butterfly,
That now only brutality in appearance evokes,

Butterfly,
Once beautiful and WOW,
Butterfly,
Only inadequacy does in you speak now,

Butterfly,
Who was to be the equivalent of beauty?
To posses perfection dear butterfly was your duty,
Now dull and broken with a bitter look of what once was lovely,
Butterfly by mans touch made ugly.

Lesley Rautenbach Dec 2012

Roses of Blood

Roses of Blood,
And Violets of tears,
Colours of sorrow darkened fears,
If shame were copper,
And regret silver steal,
Our horrors and nightmares,
Colours surreal,

Mice eaten wounds,
And freshly torn scars,
Nothing,
Empty,
Forget who you are,

Emotions so raw,
So rotten,
So sore,
Feelings so deep,
Blackness with pain,
Into a soul it will seep,

Black lilies of loathing,
And willows of weep,
As one by one,
We all will face our defeat,

Beauty in betrayal,
Hunger of dread,
A life so frail,
Hanging,
By one single thread.