I don't need to prove myself to you
To any of you
Because there are still parts of you that disappoint me.

You are not who I want to be.
So why would I ever be
******* in knots
At the thought of disappointing you?

If I want to sleep at night?
I sleep alone.
So really, I only need to be at peace with
Myself.

Not that
That's always easy,
But it's easier than
Finding peace with you.

To my Younger Self,

I'm glad you are so happy. Remember to enjoy it, and not just in passing, but every second of it.

You should go by your first name. Not everything has to be related to work. Make friends with anyone you can, because friendships last longer than duty stations and billets.

Remember that you are bigger than what you do. You are more than who your friends are, where you live, or what you score. Souls cannot be measured.

Dream big. Dream wild. Dream with ambition and love and unrestrained hope, for "only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."

Set your boundaries, but not your limits. Believe yourself to be free to pursue your passions, to define yourself by your highest hopes in the morning and your fears alone at night. Do not be afraid of obstacles or fights, but only of your own doubt - and then, do it anyway, and prove yourself wrong every single day.

You will lose a lot. You will feel as though you have lost everything you have ever gained, anything you've ever managed to work for, and then even more. Know you will come out the other side. Know that when you do, you will not be alone.

Rely on your own eyes to find your way, but know that when it really is too dark, those still standing at your shoulder will be there to guide you any day.

Stay forgiving. Stay kind. Stay generous. Stay hopeful. Do not let these things go, even as they leave doors open for others to hurt you.

It is worth it to get hurt to stay true to who you are. The only question is: Who do you want to be?

I'm still looking for an answer. And I'm starting to think that the searching is part of it.

I trust you.

I am angry.

It takes a while for me to get there,
But that doesn't mean I won't.

It took some time for me to learn to read it
The subtext between the lines,
The looks, the fake smiles
But now I can see it.

I see you for who you are
And who you were,
And I can see now
Behind your smiles
The way you see me.

I am angry
Because you lied to me.
Because you still pretend we're friends
Like you'd die for me
When you prefer my absence to my company
But didn't decide to let me know.

Instead
You found a fault you could exploit
A guilty, shameful moment, a moment I slipped
You could have forgiven
And instead you let every little thing that remained
Pour out onto me.

All of the lies got too much
The uncomfortable lack of love
So you said it was the last straw
And you will blame the desolation
On my mistakes.

But I see it now
Rereading the chapters of our history,
The moments I felt a minor mystery
Speedbumps I painted over, glittering
Because I thought that's all they were.

Now I see the signs on those old highway roads,
And that this was one exit ramp of many we've passed before
I'm glad we finally went our own ways
I'm glad I see it now, that it was you standing in the way.

It wasn't my fault.
It isn't my fault, the way that you felt, when you didn't tell me.

It wasn't my fault.
It isn't my fault, the way I was hurt by the guilt you pushed onto me.

******* for making me think it was.

Thank you for the times you built me up.

And ******* for ripping it all apart,
And for making me do it with my own hands.

I know I am capable of something great
If I can let myself believe it.

My biggest enemy is my own mind,
And without you, I can free it.

I am enough on my own
Without your validation.
I don't need your accolades
Or your labels,
I don't need someone to orbit

I am enough on my own
I'll put the work in by myself.
Long days and long nights,
With just my own company

And all of you can go to hell.

Taking pride in

My clean room
My folded laundry
My books, bursting with sticky notes
My calendar, color-coded
(Though I don't update it, it's still nice to look at)
My vase filled with flowers, even if they're plastic
The candles on the shelf, one lit, always burning...

Shiny mirrors and scrapbook photos
Strung up fairy lights and a made up bed
Clean floors with supplies tucked away
Dishes in cabinets, spices filling the rack

A grocery list on the fridge,
A book of recipes I've handwritten
Poems in the living room, a guitar by my bed
Running shoes by the door, for early mornings ahead

All the things that make up me:
My dreams, my goals
The work I do every day

A none of it has anything to do with you.

Talked over and
Ignored,
One word answers
With days in between

Asked for favors
Taken advantage of
My generosity
A flaw, it seems

Again and again,
A quick apology
I'm quick to forgive
But the fuse is burning

Breaking down my walls
But eroding my patience
I dismiss and defend
Because it's the role I play

Over and over,
I say it's okay.

It's okay because
I didn't need you anyway.

Fighting the good fight
Is not easy, which seems self-explanatory
But there's a reason it is a "fight":
It takes great effort to spin reality
From the thread of your dreams.

Walking the narrow road
You must have faith in the summit.
The path is strewn with sharp sticks and rocks
You will not reach it unharmed.

Limping, hurting, you may even lose your way
The trees seem to grow taller once the sun has set
But if you are moving uphill,
Against the struggle, and the pain,
You are moving in the right direction.

Just because you are doing good
Doesn't mean it will feel easy.
Even the best works require struggle.

In fact,
It is the worst path that is the most enjoyable
The downhill gives the wide sweeping view,
With easy steps worn by many other passerby
Generations who were tempted to leave the narrow path:

Keep fighting the good fight.
Though you will struggle in the dark
Have faith in the last sunrise
You will watch crest over the summit.