After so many times
The cold is what feels normal
The open air, uncomfortable
The shock is lulled into a
Coming home,
A settling into normal.

Water overhead,
Pressure in my head
I feel like I'm dead
When I can feel anything

Ice in my veins
It feels the same as
The times when I'm
Breathing.

Cold shock
Isn't so shocking
When after all the
Tries, the lies
It's the baseline
Without it, the heart rate
Skyrockets

A body in space doesn't know
What to do without the pressure
Holding it together

I step on your feet
I'm clumsy on the dance floor
Though I love it, I never had a chance
At least not before

In my dreams I'd sweep you off your feet
Or you'd lift me off mine
But here, it is awkward
For this time, it's just fine

I try to glance to your eyes
Your hands on my waist
I don't notice your gaze
Over my shoulder, looking at her

Is it meant for me
Is this meant to be
Or do you wish
I was someone else?

I lost my dance card
I don't know if I'm just a name on yours, in a list
With her name at the bottom
Instead of mine.

I must be red-green colorblind
To miss the signs I'm driving by
Pressing the gas as the road gets slicker
Rain and pain splattering onto the windshield
I can see the pain coming
If I breathe too deep, I feel the stitch in my side
I'm getting weaker
I'm too drawn in to fight, to pull away
I want to stay,
I want you to stay -

I can see the crash and ambulance lights up ahead
Minutes before they arrive
911 is on speed-dial, the bystanders on standby

Maybe I'll hold my breath
Just to watch the world burn
Moving into the smoke
Breathing deeper for the hell of it

Straining to hear whispers,
A last cry, or a word
Maybe it's a death rattle
Maybe it's a yell for her

Maybe I've tried enough, I know it'll hurt
Maybe my only chance
Is to watch the world burn.

Maybe the only thing keeping me alive
Is to hope that one day,
I'll walk through the flames
I'll be glad I had tried.

I am a living ellipsis
In waiting
Mourning
A transient period
Temporary
A traincar station
A layover
So many hours disappearing
Unaccounted for
Unmemorable, yet endured
In their brevity, in their nothingness
Time that doesn’t exist
Yet it can be measured in its passing
Unseen, and
Slipping
Sand between fingers
Waiting for
Something to come from
The waiting, the silent breath
Holding the air still,
Motionless lungs
Before the next rise and fall
Seeming, every pause, there will be no more
Until it comes
Until it stops again
Alive, and yet not, and yet somehow still
Waiting…

Oh do you know how it feels
To be the tree that falls in a wood
With no one to hear it?

Was it even there to begin with?

It is still surprising how painful it is
The ripping of roots, nested deep in fertile soil
Leaving great gaps under the surface
Pulling up clumps which refuse to let go

Is there a purpose to repeating this pain?
Why nest so deeply in a place,
Under the faint glow of a time clock
Its ticking pervading every dream
Knowing there will be an end?

Walking through my favorite city
Cobblestones, brick, pastry scents, coffee mugs clinking
I see the end of the street approaching
And I do not slow
I do not know if I can, even if I wanted to.

As I turn the corner
I leave it all behind,
This new street is quiet, and foreign, and dim.
But as I walk, I notice more
And my roots take hold again anyway.

Through every city, down every street
The journey holds its meaning in
What you see, what you hear,
The moments and memories
Are not meant to last,
But to be remembered.

Sometimes I look back upon the wreckage
The boards are warping already from the salt seeping in,
The unrelenting heat of the sun
Those that are still above the surface, anyway.

There are some pieces of color -
A scrap of fabric, rope, plastic, remnants of a life
Which has been so wholly dismantled
I don't know how many times over
By the storms that came back, again and again
To make sure it hadn't missed a thing.

I am surprised I am here
Though I don't recognize where 'here' is
I continue to float, and watch, and wait
Until there is something new on the horizon

We will survive.
Shipwreck after shipwreck
Of anger, of pain, of grief, unrelenting
Unbearable
Until the waves part,
And breaths lengthen,
And you realize the sirens' call has quieted

You are safe enough, and all at once,
You can begin to swim again,
And reach out into the sea.