I feel like I’m having
heart palpitations, gasping
for air, grasping for
anything
holding on
to sand that is slipping through my fingers
terrified of the time passing me by
so quickly,
and somehow

I can still focus on every grain as it falls
they each sparkle, in the light
before they’re gone

thousands of seconds and hours
days, slipping away
the crashing feelings of
loneliness, terror, of failure, for love
the heart cries out desperately
seeking an answer, a permanence,
to stop the bleeding

but the only answer is to fall into it.

To accept the change, the flow, and
move with it:

let yourself, and your heart
feel everything -
leave it exposed on your sleeve
so you are not a numb observer
but find yourself in every grain as it falls
and while you mourn, be grateful
you held it for even a moment at all.

The magic doesn’t come from
having the strength of will
to push down all other thoughts
of comfort, of wants
to cancel out all but The One Thing:
the Magic comes from
hearing yourself,
hearing all those
thoughts, and wants, and prayers
from deep inside your soul
and even those from the surface of your skin
and, after hearing them,
turning your attention back to
The One Thing
because you choose to.

If you chase an empty mind, it will be filled
with the chasing, with the lack of silence:
try instead to choose to focus-
and keep choosing,
every day.

The sound of that focus,
The One Thing
will grow so loud
it will drown out all else,
and all the universe will fall into step with you.

Somewhere in between sky, and sorrow
I keep coming back to gratitude
that I can still feel anything at all
to let me know I’m alive
and there’s more to come.

Both the good and the bad is temporary
it flows with the currents of the rising moon,
and with every sunrise
a complete, new day, is born
for me to unravel, and relish, and
Love.

I was not built to be made so, so numb.
I was not built to withstand
the devastation of this apathy:

Apathy belongs to those who have cut off their ears
blinded their eyes
who speak their own molten dreams,
believing only the truths they have found in their shadows

they yell the loudest so they may hear themselves,
they draw attention so others may see
the spectacle they themselves cannot

I beg you,
do not become numb.
Do not cut off your ears or blind your eyes.
Take in all of this world, as much as you can
before it is too dark for you to see.

Apathy to death brings apathy to life.
Please, open your eyes:
Find your love
and feel your grief.
And know everyone else can feel it, too.

The opposite of fear, of death, of apathy -
the only thing we can do to heal our wounds
is to relentlessly share more love.

I focus on others instead of myself
their actions, their words, their votes, their thoughts
I am losing my mind, filling the space
with anything I can find,
filling that aching emptiness, feeding the craving with
Belonging
Belonging to the wave,
we are so great, so powerful, together
Belonging
to a movement that can be nothing but just and righteous
I am also just, I am also righteous, I am also strong -
our hand moves as one
to drop our papers in the ballot box
to sign the petition
to tear down the sign
to throw the bottle
to smash the car
to shove the man
to pull the trigger -
what has happened to me?
I don't know who I am.

I don't think I ever did.

I am lost, lost and drowning,
drowning in this sea of right and wrong
the lights are off, I can't see one from the other in the dark:
finally, a light I can swim to! finally, a hand I can reach-
and reaching out

I find comfort. I find peace. I find strength
because here, I belong
in the hand of God.

Since we first spoke, we spoke of our own end.
We know to treasure that which will be lost
for in the shortness of its life, we find its meaning:
and yet, we are shocked by it.
We mourn. Because we are filled with pain.
We wish for more time,
when we knew all along
it was the lack of time that made it so important,
after all.
After all there had been
there is nothing but what was -
and doesn't that make it more beautiful?

It doesn't stop being horrible, no.
I cannot ease your suffering in this moment
I wish you could see how short this pain will last,
how little time all of this will take to pass, but
I can only turn the lights on for you, and wait -
I will sit with you, and wait
for you to open your eyes.

And you will rise, as even I did:
We will continue to walk this path together.

I didn’t need a savior.
But you needed to be one.

When I didn’t want you to fix me
When I was no longer an easy solution
When I just wanted you to be there for me
When I just needed someone to sit in the dark
with me,
And leave the flashlights off
To listen to the shadows with me
When I know, you couldn’t really hear them
But I could
When all I needed was your presence.
You decided that was too much to ask.

It was too hard to be there
Without speaking
It was too hard to speak
Without judging
It was too hard to judge
Without blindness, hypocrisy, arrogance:
You had to be the savior, so generous
life-saving
for me, because, look-
how broken am I
forcing vulnerability for you.

It was too much
to accept the validity of merely being kind.
You wouldn’t accept the lowly title,
of being only
my friend.