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elena Feb 2015
tonight i felt your hands shake
i saw your eyes close
and i felt your heart ache

i love you.
please believe me.
i promise we will be okay.
a long day.
elena Jan 2015
it's the first thing you think of in the morning.
slowly open your eyes, roll over and wrap your head in your arms feeling embarrassed, laughing at yourself, thinking of how incredibly ridiculous you are for being this way. in the quiet moments you imagine his laugh and speckled green eyes. in the busy moments you force yourself to slow down. quietly sing the songs that remind you of him to feel calm. sing them all day over and over. until the words speak the truth of your days as if they already coincidentally hadn't. in the city, wonder if he is right for you. in the country, wonder if you are enough for him. at night, wonder if you were beautiful enough tonight. in the morning, wonder if you were true enough.
sunday morning. 1.11.15

e.m.
elena Feb 2014
i meet with the morning moonlight

she has awaken with me

robbed me of sleep

we discuss the black and white

sleepy streets

and plan to drink our favorite tea

i meet with the morning moonlight

she tells me the reasons why you left

she is here to listen to my stories,

she tells me the reasons why you left

*e.m.
morning after i knew
elena Feb 2014
you wouldn’t have noticed but

our love still lingers like the snow

long overdue

sparsely with breaks in between

and a harsh morning fall

followed by evening rain to blur away

details of who and where and when

my love still lingered like the snow

you decided it would be best for you

to blur away the details of you and i

*e.m.
elena Feb 2014
my eyes scatter and cannot focus
i had the thought of seeing you tonight
i have an excited spirit
ready
waiting for me to set it free
i am waiting to remove this cushion off my heart
content runs to me
to remind me the reasons, why i will not see you tonight

*e.m.
elena Feb 2014
I seem to live in shadows of hope

merely brushing the surface of each day

fearing the moment the

heavy

and merciless world

rests upon my shoulders



I had always rested close to apprehension

pressed my shoulders against failure

surrounded my mind with pillows of worry

fiddled my fingers around lofty dreams

so

these words seem like my only rescue

to uncover whatever is hidden and tucked behind my heart

and I have run my mind in circles

trying to understand the curves and cranies of this,

this.

a semi-precious charmed fog that I live,

have lived,

will not live

*—— e.m.
elena Dec 2014
your kiss hit me around 1:03 a.m.
your eyes rushed to me just after 1:30.
your laughed itched my heart past 2 am
your smile still lingers through my head all afternoon.

i consistently feel incredibly close and far from you.
but i know you've forgotten.
most of it.
our years keep me awake almost every night.
I.
elena Jan 2015
I.
i loved you quietly for years.
i didn't know i loved you or how much in fact that i was in love with you.
i should have guessed
when i started feeling dizzy when you would walk in a room.
or when my heart would skip a beat or two when you looked my way.
i should have guessed when i thought so hard for so long
about the moments our paths would cross.
and no matter how many times i told myself to look at you, to face you
my head bowed down at the second we would brush by each other
a habitual action of fear
of missing you and refusing to look at the face of lost love

now i see how much energy was put into holding myself back from loving you
and it makes sense as to why it was so difficult
i forced myself to look away from your speckled green eyes
i told myself not to love you, never to allow myself to love you.
elena Jan 2015
you wouldn't believe me that some moments are so empty.
some moments i feel so completely empty.
and i can't tell you but
read until end then repeat
II.
elena Jan 2015
II.
the first to hold my hand
the first to kiss my lips
to brush away my hair
and look into my eyes

the first to love me deeply
truly, to love me without commas

to map out and memorize the freckles and lines of my face
to look at me with gentle and soft eyes

the first that i loved so deeply
with an aching in my heart.
elena Jan 2015
i've only written about you and i for awhile
since i started to allow myself to love you.

i've only thought about you and i for awhile.
you are every good part of my days
every smudged line of my ways

please don't promise me anything
like that you'll stick around
IV.
elena Jan 2015
IV.
darlin do you ever think of the day we both have to move away
darlin do you ever think of the day you'll stop lovin my ways
elena Feb 2015
i remember this so well
i remember this feeling
i remember this place so well
feel my heart giving up on me
im worried about more than today or tomorrow
im worried this might be forever
i still worry more about you
and i am here in pieces
i'm sorry again
i told you i would love you
i did then and now
i'm sorry i can't anymore
2.7.14
elena Dec 2014
this town seems faded
but i can still see the stars.
they hang held by strings from the sky
and whisper questions with answers i wish to know.
they ask me where i am going to go
i tell them how much so
i too, wish to know
on simple days
i always know

they ask me where i am going to go
i can pretend to know the answers but they know
i will never know
why my heart has grown so fickle
and flickers like the light of these stars
they try to hold down my weak and shaking hands, as i slow
i try to grasp each star like the answer
stretching open my fingers, reaching my hands toward
you.

wishing i could hold you like the answer
to hold your hand and know
i breathe.
stop and remind myself that though today i don't
on simple days i always know
when they ask me where i am going to go.
e.m.
4.15.14
elena Feb 2014
i am worth more
than the coffee stained creativity
written in battered notebooks and used napkins
over looked by eyes filled with the haze of
today's worries and yesterday's regrets
all machines of a self involved world
combining the definitions of equality with conformity
i am worth more
than dreams laced with convincingly false futures
and exaggerated pasts  
plagued from the bottled
no,
judged affection that's stored in my soul like
a prized illusion
i will hold on until my heart is black and blue from the trembling
of the unsteady ground
hold on until the gold veil falls to reveal the blackened soil
hold on
to no avail
i am worth more,
more than the billboards of perfection that line the inside of my skull
stacked thoughts that run to me in the most innocent of mornings
the most blinding of nights
repeated rhythms of mocking truth
i am worth
more than the daily doubts of filtered words
more than formed plastic hearts, black & white minds, and mouths of handlebars labeled: pull or push
more than a mind that shuts down
chooses numbness,
like the constant murmur on a heart monitor after a patient has been announced dead
silence.
time of death 16:29
i am telling you.
i am worth more than the far- sighted wonder of perfect days somewhere,
not here.
the “one day I’ll get there” excuse of not being able to erase this image from my mind,
not this.
as my fingers entwine and fiddle and circle
like a ferris wheel stuck moving in one direction
i do this a lot to distract my mind.
i do this to try and slow it down from running 80mph
to a speed where i can see the lights ahead
without blurs or running colors.
i am worth more than dripping images of a life that is not mine.
*-- e.m. & c.m.
elena Dec 2014
a faint doubt had occurred to her as to
the quality of her present happiness.
a tender curiosity that came
and went like waves,
stronger only some days.

a faint doubt had rendered her silent
and the painted images of hopeful days
traced the ridges of her eyelashes,
kissed the inside of her longing soul.

she thought of city lights and public parks,
where strangers fall in love
and lovers fall out.
and wished to witness it all

peace blended to one single question
of how to be okay with it all.
her present happiness,
empty parks and
how to be okay with the wonder of okay days.
this was one long thought completely unrevised// draft I
elena Feb 2014
tomorrow, a test to prove buried thoughts my fingers twist.
i realize this day, i pretend to be tomorrow
don’t say anything with words. try this: after

eyes, almond factories, incessantly inching through rooms
of gold panel and blue staircases
i believe you think wrong of me

praising the regular
i pretend to know a king of jewels and grace
is it possible to tear through years with yourself to be with
another

whatever i do, i realize i have only come here
to run into a piece of literature
and i create myself again and again
*--e.m.
elena Dec 2014
there is a time for silence
and there is a time for words
there is a time to wonder
and a time to wish
there is a time to love
and there is a time to let go

i always know when my heart wants to go
and hear the subtle silence of sadness.
where are the crooks and crannies of this love?
that leaves me fiddling my fingers, leaves me in wonder

there isn't a time to leave you
like this
i feel an unsettling feeling
there is never a time to leave you
don't even know.
elena Dec 2014
trust me when i say
time has a way
of throwing it all in your face.
hopeful days slip through the grasp
of your fingers
and daylight leaves you,
taking your reasons with her
there is a desire to be completely invested
but do nothing at all.
there is a tendency to lie flat on a cold wooden floor
where things seem to be able to fix themselves,
stare blankly at the ceiling as if it will change things
there is a passion lost
she is lost.
*e.m.*

— The End —