Leielani E

Leielani E May 2014

I look back
In the fading pages of my storybook
And think of myself as a child:
Innocent, chubby, picked on, happy
Unaware of life, went with the flow, dependent
I needed people but I would push them away
I was afraid a lot
For my brother, his future
I loved him so much
Even if he didn't talk
And hit me sometimes
But I knew he was being controlled
By a beast, a monster
I still love him anyway
Even when he's a 14 year old
Pubescent, disgusting boy going on man.
I go to school and feel my heart
Sink deeper and deeper into my chest
My mind always reeling
And my soul always retreating into me
It's hard to be me
Because I have a fear of rejection
I have a fear of opening up to others
A fear that they will see my true colors
My dark, black colors
That turn my shine, into sorrow
I can't take that
I hide myself because I'm a coward
And I find it hard to like the way I look
And like the way I am
I am starting to disgust myself
And I keep asking myself
Every single day...
*What's wrong with me?

This is a really personal poem. I've been feeling depressed lately. School is really stressing me out. Wish me luck!

Leielani E Feb 2014

It Matters

For the first time in my life
I know how hard it is
To show the majority
That it matters
There are people who look like me
Getting shot on the street
And left like a dog
There stories have been told many different ways
But I already know what happened
I know what the backlash will be
I will be apart of it
Because it's time out!
It's time out for young, black people being prejudiced!
People think that things are better because we can vote now!
Because Jim Crow is gone...
Then why does it still feel the same?
The black life matters!
Our history is too heartbreaking to be forgotten
It's too disturbing a history to be washed away
With the tears of the oppressed!
We were here from the beginning and we will be here
In the end
The black life matters
So why does it still feel like it doesn't?

Happy Black History Month! This month has been very controversial and has focused so much on racism, discrimination and prejudice. I just wanted to give my feelings on how I feel on the black life. It's a disgrace on how black people and minorities in general are viewed in this country that leads to murders of young men that were apart of our future and now ripped back to the past. The story of Jordan Davis, Trayvon Martin and countless others, scares me because I have a little brother. Him being black, male and autistic makes me scared for his future. Something's gotta give.

Leielani E Oct 2013

Memories

Memories were made specifically for certain people
Their memories were planned out from the beginning
They would have friends and family beside them, and laughter that would
Float up from their hearts up through their mouths and into the universe
These memories would forever be captured into the person's brain
And there are some memories for others
That aren't for me
Memories that I am so close too
And some that cast a distant shadow over me
I love to build new memories
It gives my life joy and that deep heartfelt laughter
I get those memories sometimes
And they are the best times I've ever had
Memories like those are the ones I will treasure most
The ones I will tell my kids and grandkids
The ones the universe will know as Leie's memories
They will never be forgotten
They will not be pushed aside
They will forever stay my
Memories...

This is something personal to me as is all of my poetry. I feel very compelled to write poems like this when I am especially lonely. Right now, I have a sense of liberation and relief.

Leielani E May 2013

Alone

My chest feels hollow
My mind is racing
My head pounding
My feet tapping
I look around me
I see the smiles and laughter
Given between friends
I see the invisible bonds
They've created for themselves.

I'm tired of feeling alone
Of feeling by myself
Struggling silently
I'm tired of being the quiet warrior
I want to be the person
With real, true friends
Friends that I know will always be there for me
That I know will accept me for who I am.

I'm tired of keeping to myself
I'm sick of putting on a brave face
And most of all,
I'm tired of feeling less than
I'm more than what I seem to be
I'm more than what others think of me.

I can be outgoing
I can be social
I can make friends
I just don't know how to fit in anymore
I don't know how to adjust.

I see how "He" must have felt
A long time ago
I didn't understand because
At the time, I had "friends"
Now...
I just want to say,
"I'm sorry."

Leielani E Apr 2013

The Struggle

Everyone has a path
Everyone has a destiny
What were my people’s?
When they were shipped away
Treated like animals
Looked at like they were beasts
They were new
Never seen before
They were bonded together
By the shackles of their oppressor
They were oppressors once
Then, they became the oppressed
The judged, the scorned
The hated, the overworked
"Why, why?"
Is the cry of the weary
"How, when?"
Is the cry of the confused
But these are not all questions of sorrow
These are questions of revolution
How are we getting out?
When are we to fight back, for us?
Soon the cry became louder and louder
Until it couldn't be ignored
It soared up to the Heavens
And propelled back down to Earth
Back into the minds and hearts of millions
The struggle was on
The fighting, the speeches
The hoses, the preaches
The pain…
But the joy, the joy was immense
The feeling of succeeding for once
Was too great to contain
The victory now lives on
In me, in my parents
In my future
Thank you, thank you
A million times “Thank you!”
For fighting for my future, my dreams and my spirit
You struggled for me
And the struggle was real.

Leielani E Mar 2013

A Moment of Silence

A moment of silence
Came to mind
As I walk between a fine line
To become what I want to be
I must first learn to become me
A moment of silence
Came to mind
As I walk between
The fine lines.

— The End —