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Leah Rae Sep 2012
I Am The New Age Villain. No Masked Maccasurer, I Carry My Blades On The Inside.

More Terrifying Than Any Clown, Or Ghost Faced Monster With A Butcher Knife. I Am The Teenage Girl With Daddy Issues.

I Will Swallow Your Sons Whole. I Will Pull Them Under The Covers Until All They Can See Is Black And Blue. I Will Carve My Name Above Their Still Beating Heart, And Turn Them Ugly. I Am Their First And Last Love, Wrapped Up In Old Christmas Bows That My Mother Could Never Bring Herself To Get Rid Of.

With A Tongue Piercing And A Bad Tattoo Of A Rose On My Ankle, I've Got Problems With My Identity, Seems To Me I've Lost It On The Assembly Line Of  You What You're Supposed To See On  MTV , I've  Never Been Given Anything To Really Stand For.

So This Means I Fall In Love Easily.

I Fall Into Bed Easily, Between Layers Of Needing To Be Needed, And A Bottomless Appetite For Hands Across My Flesh. Bruises Make It That More Much Worth The While, Because Hours Later The Marks Will Still Be There To Remind Me Of Just How Badly You Never Wanted To Let Me Go.

He Places His Palm To My Chest, Mine To His, Says "Baby We're Making Love." But How Do You Make Love When You Hate Yourself?

I Have Learned The Hard Way That Your Mother Doesn't Want You To Bring Girls Like Me To Christmas Dinners. I've Felt My Stomach Curl Up Around My Insides, Chewing Me Apart, From The Inside Out, I Am Empty.

So I Beg Them To Fill Me.
Pour Promise Between My Sheets, And Breathe Into Me. I Am Broken.

I Know You're All Afraid Of Me, And Thats Why You Hate Me. I've Seen The Sneer Across Your Lips, Spark Starving And Growling. You Want To See Me Fail. You Probably Don't Know How Often I Cry Myself To Sleep At Night. I Was Bred, Not Built, I Am Human Too. But So Much Less Real Than You, Because This Hollowness Is Like A New Anesthetic.

But Like Every Good Comic, The Villain Was Not Always The Villain. Some Sick And Twisted Past Has Ripped Him Apart At The Seams, Left Him Begging Desperate, Lonely And Fragile, Chasing Down The Kind Of Sweet Revenge That Rots Your Teeth.

I Wasn't Always This Way. I Was Delivered Into The Mouth Of Temptation, And **** Did The Bite Hurt.

Like Any Good Story, It Had A Begging Middle, And End, But Not Necessarily In That Order, Because My Beginning Was My Mothers End, And My Father's Story Seemed To Happen Without My Existence. Without My Permission

Because He Walked Out. Like Backlit Silhouette Of Shadows Against My Bedroom Walls, He Was Always Leaving In My Dreams.

He Met A Girl With A College Degree, Called Her 'Babydoll' And 'Lover', And She Gave Him The Gift Of Three Sons, Who Search For The Thread Of Meaning In Their Father's Speech When He Kisses The Tops Of Their Heads At Night.

He Made This Way. He Tore Our The Seems Of My Storybook And Left Me Screaming In My Sleep. This Lost And Angry Abandonment Couldn't Rest Any Longer, I Now How Streets To Chase Away And Hours To Destroy, And This Would Be The Time For Our Rib cages to Meet, In Hot Heat, And Spark Into Something Bigger Than Me,
So Yes, Call Me Your Villain.

Because Like A Villain, I Am Chasing A Revenge Deep Into Myself, Down Highways Called Veins, Where I Once Wrote The  Word 'Happiness' In Blue Ink For An Older Me To Find Someday. I Am Waiting For A Redemption To Thread Its Fingers Into My Hair, And Tell Me I'm Literally Worth Fighting For. I Am Exhausted, Because I've Got Blooded Knuckles, And Broken Battle Hymns.

The Only Hero I'm Fighting Is Myself.
Leah Rae Aug 2012
I’m Writing An Apology Letter To Myself. Its Been A Long Time In The Making, Cause You See I’m Not Good At Saying Sorry To Anyone.

So.. Dear You, I’m Sorry For How I Dressed You In 6th Grade. I Know, I Know, We Both Regret The Knee High Socks.

I Hope You Still Smile As Much As You Used To.

I Can’t Believe Some Of The Things I Said, I Know I Shouldn’t Have.

You’ve Been Tearing At Those Stitches Long Enough, Haven’t You? Where Did You Leave Your Fingertips This Time? I Know You’ve Been Destroying Yourself From The Inside Out, And Watching Saturday Night Skylines Vanish Into Darkness.

I Heard You Like Keeping Yourself Busy. Are You Sleeping Enough These Days?

I Saw You Downtown A Few Weeks Ago, You Had Your Head Down, I Think You Saw Me, But I Was Too Afraid To Ask.

I Still Have Your Number, You Know. I Still Think About You Sometimes, Between Dusk And Dawn When The Sun Is Calling Me Skyward.

In My Imagination I’ll Greet You With A Fistful Of Black-Eyed Tulips, Butterflies In My Stomach & Two Tickets To Tomorrows Sunrise. We’d Hold Hands The Way We Used To, With Fingertips Laced Together, And Our Mouths Stuffed Full With Swallowed Pride.

We’d Wait For It To Rain, And We’d Strip Off All The Layers That At Meant To Impress, And Beg The God Our Parents Prayed To, To Take Us Home.

I Picture You Tangled In Christmas Lights, Bought With Intent To Make A House A Home. You’d Smile At Me, Across A Broken Abyss And Remind Me Of All The Things That Don’t Belong, Like The Way Babies Are Born In Prisons, Or That There Are Christmas Trees In Homeless Shelters.

You’d Place Your Open Palms Against Stained Glass Windows, And Look Away From Me, Afraid Of What I Might Say In The Wake Of The Silence, Kissing The Walls.

I’d Finally Tell You I Was Sorry. Sorry That I Had Left You, Curled Up Most Nights, Crying Yourself To Sleep, Chocking On Swallowed Phrases, Hollowing Yourself Out Until There Was Nothing Left.

I’d Tell You I Was Sorry That I Hadn’t Been There To Kiss Your Forehead, And Tell You Just This Once How Proud Of You I Was.

In My Memories I Try To Convince Myself That All Of This, All Of Us, Had Happened For A Reason. But That Excuse Is So Cheap, It Leaves The Taste Of Awful Rotting Regret On My Tongue.

It Would Be The Moment When Fingertips Would Could Reach Out And Meet Across A Spot Light, And I Promise You I’m Not Romanticizing This Devastated Conjugation Of Where Past Meets Present, But Only The Taste It Left In My Mouth.

I’d Hold You, And Take You As An Empty Canvas. I’d Promise You That I Meant It, When I Said I Loved You.

I’d Grab You By Your Broken Wrists, And Say “You’re **** Beautiful”, The Way People Say It In Your Dreams.

I’d Let My Knees Go Weak, And Find Tangible Forgiveness In This Gravity, And Put My Monsters To Rest.

I’d Heal The Heartbroken Hero, I’d Sew Shut The Gabbing Wounds, And Swear My Promise Into Eternity.

I’d Tape My Eyes Open For The Oncoming Storm, And Finally Say It.

Baby, I Am So, So Sorry.
Leah Rae Jul 2012
The Scalding Openness Of An Open Palm. Cradling The Broken Syllabubs Of A First Name, Between Flesh And Bone, Between Thumb And Forefinger, The 'E' And The 'A' Estranged Lovers. The 'L' And The 'H' A Mangled Broken Record Of "I'm Sorry"s. The Letters Falling Apart As If  They Are Afraid, Embarrassed Almost To Be Seen Together. Someone Closes The Fist, And Silences Them.

I Am Sure They Weren't Aware That The Anciently Intimate Lines Of My Mother's Face Had Pulled A Loud Smile Across Her Lips, Traced Fingertip To Wrist Across The Swollen Plains Of Her Stomach And Imagined This Name, Written In Silver, Traced Across My Flesh Like A Second Skin. I Am Sure They Hadn't Known This When They Held My Name In The Palm Of Their Hand, Opened Up To Its Delicate Petals, Something So Easy To Slaughter, Hello My Dear Hero.

It's The Sick Stick Of Death On Your Tongue Before You Even Have The Chance To Speak It, Removing Each Individual Petal, Plucking Them Their Center

One The Absence Of Any Hue In My Skin, Dark Enough To Add An Identity That My Clawed Fingertips Could Hold On To, Although Guilt Has Turned Me Several Shades Of Scarlet Once Before.

Two The Brittle Backwash Of Rocks Against The Bared Molars Of My Back Teeth. How Do You Say It Again? Where Does It Come From? What Human Vessel Carried It, Clinging To His Chest For Me To Wear Like Both A Battle Scar, And A Metal Of Honor? This Unpronounceable Character Building Beauty Laces My Fingers With Regret, So That I May Whisper One Day "I Am So Sorry For Not Knowing Your Name" When I Do Finally Meet Him.

Three The Crucible Of Color Found Behind Closed Eyelids, Like A War Was Happening Inside Myself Before I Even Had The Opportunity To Open My Eyes

Four The Way The Word Poet Seems Too Open To Me, Like A ***** Word In Different Language, Yet To Be Defined, I Want It To Be Mine, But I Know That It Can't Be.

Five My Father Will Tell You That When I Was Little I Talked A Lot. He Says That I Liked To Fix Things. But These Days I Spend My Time Mending Things That Don't Consider Themselves Broken Until After I Am Through With Them.

Six I Cried When They Cut Down The Tree In Our Backyard. Watched It's Bowed Limbs, Hit The Ground, Like Dream Catchers, Felt The Trunk Of Its Spine Splinter, Under The Weight Of A Thousand Gravity's. The Earth Quaked, As If Saying Goodbye To An Old Friend. She Tells Me That I Am Overly, And Excessively Attached To Strange Things.

Seven The Primal Wet Hot Heat Between Bone And Brain At The Base Of My Skull, Whispering That The Sweet Siren Call To Depravity Is Not Too Far Behind. Meant To Bring You To Bowed Knees, Step One Foot Closer. There Is A Ten Story Drop Between Me, And Heaven. And Tonight I Think I Willing To Take It.

Eight I Hold A Hundred Years Of Waged Weaponry Between My Ribs. Built A Body Out Of Bullet Shells And Have Learned That It's About The Honesty, And The Warmth Of Human Connection. Because We Are Solar Systems, And Grains Of Sand, Revolving Around One Another Like The Two Sides Of A Coin, Ready To Be Kissed By A Shoreline, And Pulled Back Out To Sea To Begin Again.

Nine Tonight I Will Be A Classic Work, Like Edgar Allen Poe. So For This One Moment I Will Worthy Of Literary Merit,  Of Scholars, And That Place In The Center Of My Chest Will Be Glowing. Throbbing At All Hours Of The Morning, So This Once I Will Be Enough To Be Quoted, Worthy Enough To Be Remembered.

Ten It's Voice Is So Weak. Tender Almost, It's Name Has Been Carved Into The Meadow Of It's Velvet Valley. I Pull Down The Collar Of My Shirt, To Press The Petal To My Bare Skin. It Speaks Half English, And Half God. It Tells Me That I Am Weeping To Be Made Real. It Says That I Am A Fragile, Starry Eyed, Empty Handed, Soft Spoken Work Of Art. It Whispers That I Have Sunsets In My Skeleton, And That The Molecules Of My Form Had Never Before Existed Before This Moment. The Curve Of My Spine, The Updraft Of My Eyelashes, The ***** Of My Cheek Bone, It Says "Close Your Eyes, Love, You Are Swelling And Swallowing Yourself Whole, You Are Immortal, And You Aren't Going Anywhere."
Leah Rae Jul 2012
Hi I'm Leah Waughtal. Yeah, The GH Makes An F Sound, Its Kind Of Weird. What Do You Mean I'm Not On The Class List? So There Are Two Freshman Biology's? And The Rooms Are Side By Side? Both First Block? And There Is A Typo On My Schedule... So I Have To Go All The Way Down To The Counseling Office, But What If I Miss The Bus To Central, And All My Friends Are In This Class, And I-

Stop.

I Know That Look. I've Been There. That Scared ****-less Smile. That Cocky Half Step Into Adolescence. You Were Just A Big Fish, In A Small Pond, But This. This Is An Ocean, And You Feel So, So Little Again. I Know 'Freshman Advice' Is Trending On Twitter, And You've Seen Every Jab At "Knowing Your Place", And "Staying Out Of The Way". We Act Like We Run This School, But We Really Don't. And You Can Thank Our Administrators For Teaching Us That. We're Still Learning. And You Have Every Right To Remind Us Of That. Like The Human Body That Recycles Itself, Every Skin Cell, And Drop Of Blood, Regenerated, A High School Does The Exact Same Thing. Every Four Years, We Are Recycled. After We Graduated As Seniors, There Will Be No Evidence Of Our Existence, So You, Yes You, Are Our Legacy.

Maybe You Don't Want All To Be Doctors, Or Lawyers, But I Can Meet Eyes Out There, And Say Its Safe. We All Wanna Make A Lot Of Money Someday. So Make It Easy On Yourself, Put The Effort In Now. The Path Starts Here, Inside This Room. You Were Built For Both Beauty, And Greatness. Give The Seam & Stitch Of Your DNA Something To Hold On To. You've Got Wonder Tattooed Into Your Skin, You've Got Valor In Your Fingertips,  You've Got Power Lining The Insides Of Your Pockets. You've Got It In You. Don't Let Anyone Tell You That You Don't.

We, You&i;, Are The Middle Children Of History, Raised By Television Sets To Believe We Will Be Rock-stars, And Millionaires Someday. So No One Better Mess With Us, Because There Aren't Enough Hours In The Day To Finish All The Dreams We Will Accomplish. So Look Up, & Remember These Stars, Because Sparks Meet Inside You, And They Died To Become You.

And Yes, There Will Be Times When You'll Swell With Self Made Pressure. But Believe Me, There Won't Be Any Popping. You Were Made To Bend Without Breaking. Stop Being Terrified Of Your Own Potential, You've Got Undiscovered Talents Waiting Inside Yourself. Don't Bite Your Tongue Too Many Times, Or You Might Swallow Yourself Whole. Speak Up For What You Believe In. Don't Be Afraid Of Being Noticed. There Is A Place For You Here.

& Any Time That You Feel Like There Isn't, I'm Here. Find Me In A Hallway, If You Need Someone To Tell You That Everything Will Be Okay. Or If You Just Want Somebody To Hold Your Hand For A Second. Or Even If You Just Need Help With Your Physics Assignment.

This Isn't The End. No, This Is Something Else Entirely.

This Is Just The Beginning.
Leah Rae Jun 2012
My Name Is Leah Waughtal
Yes, The 'GH' Makes An F Sound. No My Middle Name Is Not 'Blue Berry'. And Yes, Leah, As In Biblical, As In The First Unwanted Wife Of Jacob.
I Like Cupcakes, Cadavers, And Drinking Tea.
I Don't Like Losing Arguments, Or Being Told I'm Being Indignant.
I Make Ice Cream For A Living, And Pray For Rain Everyday.

Mirrors Are My Best Enemy. The Longer I Stare, The More I Hate, So Someday I Hope I Can Stop Looking.
I Write Like I Have Something To Say, But I Really Don't.
I Want To Be Brave, But I Don't Really Know What That Means.
My Language Is Filled With Terms Like "Don't" "Can't" "Always". These Verbs, These Tenses Of Past And Future, As If I Have A Clue. As If My Palm Prints Would Last Longer Than A Few Seconds In The Wet Concrete That Is This Moment.

My Name Is Leah Waughtal
I Pretend That I Can Speak Italian, And I Bite My Nails When I Get Nervous.
I Memorize Poems, So I Can Act As If I Have Important Things To Say, When Silence Swells Around Us.
I Miss The Ocean, And I Wear High Heels Because I'm Afraid Of Feeling Small.

My Name Is Leah Waughtal,

And I Just Want To Be Remembered.
Leah Rae May 2012
Iron Jawed Angel.*
Unoriginal & Unwritten. Unseen, And Unforgiven. I Hoarded Words, Stashed Them In The Empty Rooms That Are My Body. Achingly Delicate Lyrics In The Spaces Between My Ribs, Heartbroken Heroes Behind My Eyelids, Folded Lines On Bar Napkins In The Space Behind My Knee, Or The Backbone *****-Stamp Of A Loveless Beauty. I Was Dying To Make This Skin My Own. Cover Myself In Metal Jackets That Could Scare Away The Sorrow. I Had Empty Promises In My Fingertips, Friday Night Serenades Pressed Into My Collar Bones, Recklessness On Repeat, Pleated Across The Lines Of My Tongue. And The Words Rose Up, Frothing Around My Wrists, Rising Over Scalded Flesh, *Popping
Balloons And Swallowing Bruises. Sought Out Landmines To Call Home, And Found Solstice In The Explosions Of Fading Glory.
Leah Rae May 2012
Its When Inspiration Hits You Like A Storm, & Like That Wet, Hot, Eye Of Perfection. You Stand, Knowing That Your God Had Never Truly Been Awake Before This Moment. But He Has Risen From His Bed For You. With Eyes Wide, And Eyes Raw, And He Gives You This Moment. Its A Gift, Or A Lovely Curse With A Bow Around It, Witch Is Either, We Don't Know. But He Sells You A Vacancy In The Empty Hotel That Is Your Body.

The Hollow Eyes, And Empty Hips, The Molar Explosions, And The Swallowed Bruises, He Knows Where Your Flaws Are. He Knows The Room Number, And The Skylit Shade Of Remorse You Painted The Bedroom Walls, When You Tried To Forget. He Knows That You Decorated The Bathroom With Starfish, Because Deep Down, You Knew You Came From The Sea. He Knows The Broken Mirrors, And Nailed Now Monet Paintings. He Knows You're Afraid That They'll Leave You. He Knows The Carpet By Heart, The Sew And Stitch Of The Thread. He Memorized What It, So He Could Call To Memory Just Exactly How Your Tears Tasted When You Found Solstice On His Ground.


He Sells You A Truth, An Infamous Beauty That Paints A Story Of A Girl, In Room 214 Of That Empty Hotel. A Girl With Eyes The Size Of Baby Worlds. A Girl Who Strips Off The Story Of A Broken Family, And 9-5 Worth Ethic That Bruises Her Knees.

He Sells You A Story of A Boy, In Room 121, Who Tattooed “Forgive Me” On The Insides Of His Wrists, Basks In The Glow Of The Television Screen, And Takes A Syringe In His Hand, And Smiles At The Reflection Of What He Sees In The Mirror. Some Sweet Sadistic Part Of Him, Likes To Know Hes Killing Himself, And Likes To Watch Him Do It.

He Sells You A Moment Of A Man Who Wasted His Years On Lies, Who Painted Stories In His Mind, But Wears His Father's Legacy Like An Oversized Coat, Never Quiet Filling It Out, Always Knowing His Father Wore It Better, But Now He Takes It Off For The First Time In Years, And Dances. He Dances To The Music He Wished He Had Written, And Dances For The Girls He Wished He Had Met.

He Sells You An Honesty, Of A Tale Of A Thousand Bad Goodbyes. He Tells You That Sparks Meet Inside You, That Stars Died To Become You, And To Let Your Heart Get Blood Drunk Enough To Convince Itself It Is Your Brain, Because That Is Where Real Beauty Is Born, Inside The Hollow Rooms Of Yourself, That You Have Yet To Rent Out To All The Strangers You Will Become.
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