Quiet hums
Empty aches
Everything, doomed to break

Phone's not ringing
Closed the door
It's all ending
Keep keeping score

Collarbones and broken hearts
Dizzy streets too long to walk
Leave a message, delete my name
No matter what it feels the same

I'll miss you

Light it up and burn it away
You are my cigarette on this nice winter day
I'll smoke you til the very end, til you are burning my finger tips, til my eyes fill with smoke
I can't breathe

Don't do that

You remind me of everything bad in this beautiful world
You suffocated me
Is it because I told you about his hands around my neck
That you felt the need crush me further and steal the spirit I had left

Don't touch me

Somewhere within this tidal wave I trapped myself in
You stopped saying I didn't deserve it
You started saying it was my fault and in attempt to not be left speechless I agreed
You dripped blame on me while dangling my hope on your poisoned thread
The disappointments left me cold

Don't pretend

I would never, could never be good enough
I cut myself wide open and you left me here alone

Don't

I don’t want to say betrayal
And I don’t want to say let down
But don’t promise me you’ll be there
When you’re there to help me drown

To leave this world
As a choice
No different than choosing a breakfast cereal

Would mean

To leave my mother always questioning what it was she did wrong

To leave my little brother
Breaking the promise that I would always be there for him

To leave my older brother

To leave my best friend

To leave the kid down the hallway
That I barely knew
Thinking that maybe it’s an option for him

For what?

I'll have some cereal instead

I fell to pieces
And was never quite whole
I couldn’t clean up the mess
And it took its toll

This however, caused no surprise
Nor that it was him who broke me
The boy with the beautiful eyes

What took me off guard
What threw me off a cliff
Is that you were the one
supposed help me through this

And now you’re with him
And I really am alone
I’m happy you’re happy
Maybe I should have known

And I don’t want to say betrayal
And I don’t want to say let down
Just don’t promise me you’ll be there
When you’re there to help me drown

You knew enough that I thought I was giving you fair warning
But before you made me fall for you
I should have made it known-

I don’t take this lightly

I’m the kind of girl that will write a boy’s name
Over and over in my notebook
Over and over down my arm
Over and over on my heart
As it runs constantly through my mind

I know you don’t want to hear it
Just listen- you need to know
How everything means more to me
You can’t treat it as a joke

I’ll make it into a fairytale
How you came to my rescue, a knight in shining armor, a dashing prince
Saving me with kind words and breaking down my walls
But that’s what happened, isn’t it?

I’ll love you
I’ll fall in love with you if you’re not careful
Then you will regret it
And I’ll still be the victim
I’m sad and broken and everyone knows
You’ll just be the next boy that couldn’t fix me

You’ll try until it’s drained you
I’ll still love every inch
And it won’t be good for either of us
Too toxic to admit

Too late

To this day, flowers still make me feel uncomfortable
The sight of the split-level house with flowers overflowing in the entryway
never went away
The only way to get into the house was to pass by those flowers
Then you could go upstairs or downstairs
But no matter what
they followed you

I can’t remember my immediate reaction
I can’t remember a lot of things

I remember staring out the window
Sitting on the edge of the couch
Not speaking
I didn’t want to say a word

There were so many people
Too many people with too good of intentions
I didn’t want them there

When they weren’t touching my arm
Or sitting next to me telling me
“it’s okay”
I heard their whispers
About how I didn’t cry
And I wouldn’t speak

It’s been 10 years

I remember my older brother
Locking himself in his room
Crying
And crying
My baby brother that didn’t understand
With all the people he was in the mood for a party
There was food and friends and family
He was smarter than all of us

My mom
Couldn’t get herself together
I had never seen her like that
And I’d never see her whole again

That thanksgiving
I wasn’t thankful for much
I was thankful the funeral was finally over
Whether it was him in the coffin or not

And so we moved
And moved on
And started over
But it doesn’t really work like that

Maybe irony isn’t the word
But I find it ironic for her funeral to be
On the same day as his
Just a decade later

And I don’t want to go
I don’t want to watch
Anyone else I love
Be buried in the ground

I don’t want to sit in front of all the food people made
That no one wants to eat
I don’t want to see the flowers
Like the ones in my old house

Because I remember watching the flowers die
Like everything else

I’m not normally inclined to speak about the months
But I have ripped my calendar off the wall and it lies in shreds on the floor
Why is it that when the leaves fall my life seems to fall apart?
Yet when the flowers bloom my life does not improve

I’ll say goodnight to ten years ago
Because nothing matters that is not now
And I can say no when it tries to haunt me
I will run and I will hide
Memories will never catch me here

Sometimes the best days take you by surprise
Like when you realize you like the soundless fury of loneliness
And everything feels safe for once
Not like in October
When the calendar falls apart

Over and over.
Love me, love me, love me, love me I said,
Until I was certain, he could never love me.

Why is it that when the leaves fall my life seems to fall apart?
Yet when the flowers bloom my life does not improve
I have ripped my calendar off the wall and it lies in shreds on the floor
But neither flowers nor small-scale destruction could ever make him love me.