Reading poems you've sent me before your untimely demise. I still don't think I've loved anyone else but you- always trying, just incapable. Do you remember when we were talking about having souls? You were so certain and I just wasn't sure- that's changed, you changed that.

I still recall how completely devastated I was when your parents sold your house right before you left for college. Like a scene from a ****** lifetime movie, you left with a kiss holding up a sign which simply said “I will come back for you.”Although, it’s not much, it’s something I’ve held onto as a security blanket-never once doubting that you wouldn’t. Today, it hit me that you really weren’t.

We’ve been planning our lives together before we could successfully tie our shoes. All we wanted was a house on the water with a garden and a tire swing—but really that wouldn’t have mattered as long as I was home with you. I never had the best childhood, some people have called it the worst, but since 1st grade you’ve gotten me through, saving me from one unfortunate circumstance after another—holding my hand when I was scared and wiping away tears when sorrow overtook my fragile little heart. You were my ultimate comfort, my only home. Today, at 9:53AM, it hit me that I was finally homeless.

Today it finally hit me, at work, where everyone could see, that you were truly gone. Tears stream down my face silently as I try to convince those around me that I just have really bad allergies—it’s not like they care anyway. I keep looking at my cell, hoping for a phone call or a text that just says you’re alright- but I know it will never come.

Once when I was small, my grandmother told me an Irish folktale about how people were created in pairs and separated at birth to search for their other half- you were that half.  

Do you remember when we talked about having souls? I do and I believe it now. Mine resides six feet under the cold hard ground, right where it has always been—*with you.

You and I alone in a car
Surrounded by people speaking in Spanish
No one dares look at us.
We’re different
We’ve always  been different

Whether we be fools or kings--
Dumb or smart, right or wrong!
We fought and fought.
As I  hung onandon        to
Every.
Last.
Word.
Every.
Single.
W­ord.
And every phrase which cut deeper and deeper
Hurt more and more while you laughed and laughed.
Broken down on the side of the road
Thinking that what you said was funny.

You are not funny.
It was not funny.
It would never be funny.

Now we sit here in a car.
Sitting       and       Waiting
Waiting     and        Sitting
Wanting someone to acknowledge the other
Begging for someone to acknowledge the other

Minute by minute, hour by hour…
And!
Nothing.
Not one movement, not one word.
Nothing, just nothing.  

…Only!
Foreign people      speaking
         foreign languages,
With foreign instruments
            playing foreign music.

Louder and Louder commotion came
We grew afraid, we were afraid.
As we inched closerandcloser
And closerandcloser.

Suddenly!
A touch , a feel, some finger, a hand!
Together. We sat quiet and quieter.    
I glace next to you and slowly my heart melts
As the cha cha quickly creeps into our soul.
It is right then I knew;

I  don’t
like you but
       we’re friends;
I don’t
like you but
                     adore you.

From Love, to coldness.
From strength, to weakness.
From hope, to denial.
From faith, to doubt.
From health, to sickness.
From light, to darkness.
From warm, to cold.
From morning, to night.
From alive, to deceased.
From present time, to memories.
From found, to lost.
From earth, to heaven.
From happy, to sad.
From laughing, to crying.
From fast, to slow.
From a full heart, to a shattered one.
From today, to yesterday.
From easy to hard.
From sunny, to rainy.
From flames, to ashes.
From spring, to fall.
I miss you.

I was reading through this crumbled note  you gave me
at first I expected nothing, I thought it would be nothing
but I still got excited, and you finally said.
lets be together forever.
And I laughed.
Not thinking, I laughed.
Not a happy laugh or a joyful laugh.
Just a laugh.