I wish you'd carry my body back
to the river, to the ocean, to the underwater
abyss where it belongs.
my bones have been used as kindling too
many times, my heart the flame,
my blood the life pumping through veins
that have never been under my skin.
my ashes have been spread in graveyards
I never meant to die in and they take
my fingers, they take my hands,
held above the fire for warmth, held
in the candle wax, calling it my rebirth.
I wish you'd give my body back, still
feel the map of me being rewritten by
your fingertips, the weight of you,
the breath that was no longer mine to
take, or mine to give.
the way you anchored my soul, tethered
it to 'home' but you forgot to take it with you
when we left. nothing's been home since.

tired of the mess
tired of bleeding from
the hole in my chest
tired of feeding mouths
that aren't mine
tired of going hungry
tired of empty hands
tired of the give and
the give and the never
get, tired of empty
hands empty heart
empty house tired
of the hole in my chest

you will always be a part of me
and I both hate you
and love you
for that

let me fall down the well
into chaos, into rebirth, into
wonderland. let me drown,
let me disappear, disintegrate.
I hope you watch me go,
watch my body sink into
grave you dug for me,
baptized in the water you
poisoned. something about
the way you designed my
destruction will always
sign the masterpiece in my hand,
though, and you'll carry the
grief and I'll carry the blame.

to hold on
to let go
you're in
my heart
but you're
still not
home

paint my bones red
dress me up like the
wolves, let me reclaim
my wild.

let the lavender in
my blood turn chaos
into quiet storm.

let me be whole
again, the full moon
on a clear night.

drips on the floor
an oil spill of
all the loss and longing
i tried i tried i tried
to hold your hands
but you let me slip
like water through
your fingers when
the weight of mine
became too heavy

my hands are empty
bruised and ******
yours are fists
yours are fists
yours are fists