flesh and fire
blood and stitches
I've said I feel
nothing
but time changes
everything
it's so hard
to get closer
it's so hard
to find home
and there's a
blank space
where you're
supposed to be
but it's a
temporary fix
slow high can't
let it go
and I'm sorry
I'm so awake
wide awake
but this is hell
hallways of
mirrors and smoke
laced with nerve
endings drank
the black honey
here we go
here we go

sometimes i ache to be mild,
clear skies and sunshine.
other times i am at peace
being less a girl and more
a natural disaster.

love is easy
when it's
slow and lazy -
like honey, warm
and sweet.

but it bites
at times like
a scared dog,
tail between its
legs.

this is how we
ran out of honey;
got rid of the dog.

sometimes I love you
is an empty bed
and heavy silence

sometimes I miss you
is cold shoulders
and empty hands

sometimes I'm sorry
is a lonely night
and a lonelier morning

sometimes I love you
is more hurt than heart
more ache than adored.

--

where is the line
between worth it
and walk away?
I always think I'll
know, and sometimes
I know I will never
make the right choice
because your mouth
says so many good
things, even when
it's saying the worst
things.

sometimes I understand
when people tell you
you can't love someone
if you don't love yourself
because you don't know
where that line is of enough
and too much and just right
and that terrifies me.

love isn't always enough
and I don't know how to
make that picture whole
in my head, where love is
right and where love isn't
enough.

eyes wide
hearts untied
swallowed pride
laced cyanide
quiet suicide

god knows
we tried

palm
to skin
mouth a
wandering
expedition
hollow of
my throat
valley
of thighs
fingers
plucking
the rhythmic
verse of
my hips
taking the
breath
from my
lips
undone
unwound
untethered
skin to
naked skin

I don't feel real anymore. nothing does. I saw myself deep in the throes of unbridled unconscious and it was terrifying. shapeless, worthless, needless. I can't stop seeing that. it's been hours and hours and I am haunted by that drug-induced vision of nothing. I have been pushed around and forcibly given and taken from for so long that I don't know where I end and everyone else begins. I am what they made me, and I allowed that to happen. I let people hurt me and change me and warp me into this terrifying mess. I feel like it scrubbed me clean of all emotion. I'm empty today, an unfeeling monster, and I can't get push myself out of it. it's made me realize that I don't actually know what feelings actually are. I don't feel them, I feel what I've been told feelings are supposed to feel like. I don't know how love feels. I don't know what happiness is. anger and fear I'm familiar with, but those aren't really emotions per se, just the mask deeper emotions wear and god forbid I ever have the ability to identify those. I am sick. I am lost. I hit that brick wall that holds everything back. the wall that separates me from unremembered trauma and the onslaught of emotion and the shell of a person that I've become. I don't know if I can break it, and I don't know if I want to. depression is already starting to slip back in, and I'm so afraid that if I push against that wall, I won't survive it. I won't come back from it. I'm so afraid of all the things I saw and what I am and I don't know how to fix it. or if I can. or if it'd even be worth it.

I am not worth it.