sometimes losing
what you once thought
you could not stand to be
without
means finding
the things you never
knew you needed.

it's just that you pulled on a loose thread,
the very one meant to unravel me.
and your hands are full of what's left
of me, and I don't think that's what
you meant. but I feel you stitching me
back together, even without meaning it,
even without wanting to. I'm no longer
tattered, in pieces, I'm something
resembling wholeness. I'm something
that stands on her own two feet,
and maybe it'd be better to say I
did it myself, and maybe I did -
but still, you were there and you
tugged hard enough to trigger the destruction
that lead to my recreation.

I kept you in my chest somewhere,
like a little bird in a cage.
you weren't so little though.
you banged around in there,
stretched out far enough to
break my ribs, puncture my heart,
let the air out of my lungs.
maybe you were something like
a stampede of antelope, trampling
everything in your path
simply because you were afraid
of the loud and twisted inner-workings
of the home I tried to give you.
I don't think you meant to shred
your host, but I watched you climb
out of my chest, looking something
between helpless infant and
antichrist and you looked at me.
oh, you looked at me. you held my
hands, you kissed my lips.
and as you watched every bit
of me fall apart, you whispered,
*I don't understand how this
could have happened.

she is the ocean,
giving rise to new moons
and high tides. she
will be the force
to guide you to safety,
to guide you into
the abyss. she
will give you life
and she will
swallow you whole
and while you drown,
while you feel her fingers
pulling the very life
from your skin
you will smile,
you will thank her. because
between going under
and letting go,
she is both destruction
and salvation.

I was drowning
but you never
learned how to
swim.

I am not perfect,
nor do I wish to be.
I want to fall in love
with every single flaw
and I want to fight
relentlessly to shape
this tiny moment of
existence I've been
given into something
meaningful and emerge
from this bottomless pit
an unstoppable force,
fearless and beautiful.

you carved a cavern in my chest,
a hollowed out tomb for
every ghost you ever loved.