i haven't been myself
for quite some time -
different versions,
lingering as long
as appropriate
(or long overstaying
their welcome),
shuffling from one
skin to the next,
one pain
to the next -

we redress,
nurse the wounds
(we've gotten
good at this),
a facsimile
of a person
until i find the real one  

but being a person
at all
these days
is like repeating the same
song, the same wave,
the same splotch of starry sky
through the kaleidoscope
of every open eye
bleeding together
into hazy nothingness
and everythingness

it's been silent ever since
and i'm not sure
i'd recognize self
anymore than she'd
recognize me
one and the same

but only by name.

i hope you think of me softly,
not the discordant storm i was
the last time we spoke.
i hope you are not
who i left you.
i hope you keep the
love and space for me
i forever keep for you,
but i certainly understand
if you do not.

i hope you forgive me
for letting hope die,
for letting my heart hate you
for an indeterminate
amount of time.
i hoped for
different things
but it seems
you did too.

are you still
there?
i noticed
your silence,
villain disguised
as victim
brought to your knees,
brandishing
your bloodied hands
as a casualty,
like they aren't
the weapon
like you didn't
walk your greedy
little fingers up
inside my rib cage
and take it all.

did you know
i dreamed of you
almost every night?

dreamed of chasing you,
begging you,
an almost pathetic longing

for years and years
until i finally
fell out of love with you.

i still dream of you
once in awhile,

but it's not me
giving chase anymore,

it's you.

i took a deep breath
once a upon a time
and held it
until my lungs
crumbled
and my heart
mummified
and my bones
fossilized in
the aftermath
buried somewhere
beneath the sidewalk
my blood had seeped into
visceral and fleeting
a single moment
washed away
in the rain

i think the
irony

befits such an
ending -

you,
settled

me,
altered

permanently
unsettled

a trace of
you forever

running through
my veins

quietly, another year
added to the tally,
somehow too many
or too few,
depending on the
company.

a passive reminder
of every absence,
for better or worse,
all the things i never
became, all the things
i've never done,
the lone day a year
i hear from my father,
a three word message
no more
no less.

another year,
any other day. just once,
it'd be okay to hear
"neutral day of birth.
hope it's
fine."