Taking on the world
One crazy event,
After another with
nothing phases me.

Moving on my own.
No help. Just me.
Drove six hours
For a new life.

Life's a hectic place.
I’ve grown up in
this ****** up world
taking on hardships.

Like heart breaking into
a million pieces, crying over
someone who never truly,
gave a ****.

Listening to parents
bicker back and forth.
Hating each other’s guts,
forced to choose a side.
Even at eight
I knew it was wrong.

Standing up for myself
In front of my father.
Showing I can be on
my own, without any
help.

Then, mother of all
roadblocks hits. The worry
that the task has become
too difficult to achieve.

Study hard and you
can set your mind to
do anything, they all say.
But they don’t factor in
life’s hectic role.

Worries pile on:
"What if?"
"What about this?" Or
“How can I change so I can make this work?”

Sometimes you can’t
change. It’s all in the mind.
It can be too much pressure
onto the person you
want to be.

I always question,
Could I handle the pressure?
Could have I made the time?
Could I make it in this world
of storms and threats?

My dream’s the same.
I am helping others, but
is that the way I want to help?

Today, one year from last, the weather’s the same.
Balmy, warm breeze.
Burnt orange and sunflower yellow tousle on
on the fading green.
An Indian summer once again on this Monday.
How crazy is that?

The weather and day may be similar,
but not the event that took place,
one year ago.


Beaten into submission by my emotions, they take control.
I fall out of my bed to face this discussion. I have no idea
where it would take me or even the outcome but the reign
of my emotions was hollowing out a hole, deep within. A hole
I would eventually get ****** into.

With the same burnt orange and yellow tousling around,
all the emotions pour out as he takes a seat in my Santa Fe.
He listens, he hugs, he cares.
He has to go, having five minutes to spare.
“Bye,” he says with care.
“Bye,” I repeat.
I watch him step out into the balmy air.


The emotions widen the hole,
for all my sorrows,
pain and
emptiness.
They trickle themselves in
to the bottomless pit.

latches on
to your mind
******* on the uniqueness,
iconic-ness,
spontaneous actions,
of who You are.

Having a Storm Trooper
as your companion
For a six hour drive,

Lighting a bowl
in a middle of a *** &
Go carwash,

Being my bright ball of
light, when I  
needed it.

The parasite latches onto
that happiness,
laughter, and
soul of yours.

Spits all of it  
onto the floor,
letting it evaporate
in the air.

That little parasite
clinging on to
your mind
haunts You.

You’ve taken
medications,
shook your head,
and dreamt.

But the parasite’s will
is greater than your
mind.

You can’t see
who You truly are
any longer
but I can.

You’re
Strong
Stronger than anyone
I’ve seen.

You’re
Brave.
You could’ve ended
It all. But You
didn’t.

So, You know what?
You’ll get rid
Of that parasite

And live the life
You were meant to
live.

I hope You do.

Because
You
deserve it.

Always.

I'm sorry
you feel broken.
I'm sorry
you feel bruised.

I encourage you
to forgive. But that
depends if you
are willing to
decipher your
darkened soul.

You see the world
as how it HAS
treated you.

Internalizing
such suffering; the
trauma consumes
your soul.


Are you willing
to forgive? Forgive
mother & father, who
coerced you into
a 4-year?

mother & father
who neglected to give
you the strength,
to overcome the scars
on your legs, arms?

mother & father
refused to see
that you wanted to voice
your future?

mother & father
struggled to understand
your input about college,
how you did not envision
a future in this life.

mother & father
sprung their divorce
on you, neglecting to
explain how will their decision
affect you, affect
your vision of the world?

mother & father
neglected to
coach you in this
strange, challenging
world.

mother & father
never disclosed that your
voice defines your sense of self.

mother & father
never granted
permission for you
to discover your
hopes,
dreams.

mother & father
embedded many thoughts, to
which has created
a non-believer out of
you.

mother & father
coerced you
to attend a birthday party,
which you
begged,
screamed,
cried,
refusing to go.


I am mesmerized
how your pain,
suffering, devours
your soul.

Leaving you hollow.
Leaving you narrow-minded.

I understand the
most important human
is yourself.

I know you, deeply,
passionately
love me. With all your
heart.

But my questions
to you are:
Have you taken the time
to understand my thoughts?
My feelings? My neglect?
My love to you?

But I'm struggling to grasp
that you refuse me
to glance into the
raw, blackness of your
soul.

I am not afraid,
fragile,
scared,
alarmed, as to
what you illustrate
to me.

I want you to
give me the chance
to understand;
not judge,
not criticize.  

Your pain,
Your suffering,
doesn't define you.

You, yourself
define how you
feel,
think,
see,
the world.

Trauma shouldn't defeat you.
Your resilience should,
empowering your soul.

Not your mother,
Not your father,
Not myself.

You define the power within
You.

I would like you to
believe in
yourself. But that
depends on what
you feel deep within.

I don't want
mother & father, the
coercion, neglect,
to allow you to feel
powerless. I wish you to
forgive your detrimental
past.

Because I know,
I believe,
You have the will,
might, strength,
resilience,
to change it. To what
You deserve.

Truly
deserve.


I love you.
With all my heart.
Always.

When the music
rises up through
the cords to the
earbuds, encased
in my ears, with
the bass tingles
From my head
to my toes.

My head falls back
I close my eyes
And remember a time,
when Blurry flowed through
my Santa Fe’s speakers.

Driving on Highway 151
through empty fields,
slightly turning to
their harvest color.
The sun shimmers on
the blacktop.

Its haze blurs the road
but the memory is clear.
Driving through the gold
Feeling rich as ever.

Take me back to the days
when the winding roads
are surrounded by gold.

Every time my earbuds
are tucked in my ears,
the music radiates out of my chest,
goosebumps forming.

Age is just a number   it does not have      rhyme or reason    just a number determined by what year      a person was born    minus what year it is      now.  

Age has no boundaries     no limits.    People mature   at their own pace.     Heartbreaks     death    moving      anything    plays a role      in who a person is.      What one may learn       along the way,   life lessons,    facts,     opinions,   may advance      or slow progress        in themselves.

Ourselves.

Age means nothing.       I am twenty four   and I feel          nothing years old.    Nothing defines age.        Age shouldn’t outline what you can       and cannot do.

Age is freeing.        Let the nothing define you.

The darkness consumes your
heart
when life gets
tough.

A dark, cloudy sky
can cover
the twinkling
lights.

Can't see through
to the light.

The feeling like
a piece a garbage
no one cares about,

The feeling of attempt
to get the lazy self out of  
bed because lazy holds on to
the tiredness and weakness,

The impending thoughts
attacking the mind;
the you’re not good enough’s
and nobody wants you’s
pile on to the trash
that’s already there

make the cloud’s
haze grow thicker
and thicker.

One day
The murkiness will
lift

And

The garbage,
The attacking thoughts,
The gripping weakness,

GONE.

Glaring up
at the night sky,
everything becomes
Clear.

Glaring up
at that sky
the little specks
of light peering through
the darkness,
barely illuminating
the path ahead.

the list keeps growing       it never ends   once one item gets checked off    three more are added on   at this point    I wanna drive away    rip up the list       and start anew       maybe in the mountains somewhere   skyscraper evergreen pines       massive mountains    with their tiny, white covered tops   weaved into the horizon           silence is the only voice   and calm fills my body   sitting on a patio      side by side     with the one person      that means the most      to me      overlooking the view    the ultimate dream     where the list doesn’t exist    only  
serenity
me
And
love