There were always lights
and people.
Familiar strangers,
but nothing more

and the drinks always overflowing
gripped tightly
in each's troubled hands

Each dialogue I feel
is a waste to write.

But for a few hours
you're able to feel

infinite,

and interested,

while it's still in your system.

like that feeling when the seasons change

or when you can remember how the places felt

around you

at that particular point in life

almost tasting the air.

and it hangs

it hangs so heavily in your stomach

suspended there

with no release.

it used to be such an eccentric feeling

and i wonder

if i’ll ever have that same feeling

walking through empty houses

down busy streets

in the car

or with someone else.

No direction
no cigarettes
no money
nowhere to go,

stranded.

No sleep
I watch the people walk by
I watch the cars
and the rain

People go home to their families
people go home
and want to die.

Nostalgia.

Sunlight pours through the haze
for a moment
and sinks
away

I think of you
often
maybe too often

You’re ******
just like me
all me do is drown,
drown,
drown.

Lust drunk *****
waiting,
waiting to destroy
unintentionally destroy others
then theirselves

and weep
for the past.

There’s strangers everywhere
watching
questioning my motives…
a man at the table next to me give me the eyes

All I want
is a cigarette
one **** smoke.

Ah, God, I lost the notion
strangling,
tangling,
growing roots to my sick,
sad,
soul

The people I witness
coming into shopping malls
are like rabid animals

Wild eyed and gazing
targeting their next material purchase
to try to fit into society
killing off humanity with selfishness,
selflessness

Scared children,
holding their mothers hand
growing up to be fools
to fit into this place

With eyes like knives,
awaiting your presence
to rip your insides out onto the pavement
and ******* eat you alive.

In the car
watching
the leaves thrash the pavement
the breeze is hollow and unforgiving

I think, and I don’t want to be here
when the cold front blows in
and releases it’s chaos.

I’m so ******
half dead,
like the light in your eyes.

This is how people become homeless
This is how people make it big.

i’ve got a friend
her name is speed.

i’m raging 100 miles per hour
and she pins my
eyes open when i
try to sleep.

she makes me thirsty
and causes me
to clench my teeth.

i can’t ever eat,
it’s not allowed.

my tongue is a cactus.
my tongue is a cactus.
my tongue is a cactus.
my tongue is a cactus.

I’m bleeding tremendously down my face
I almost escaped.

It’s 5am, we walked the streets and had a cigarette
You tell me about yourself, “God”
It seemed so innocent, only walking

We left with no words
Such harmless individuals with no intentions
We were just happy and free

That’s not my name- I lied.
Cause you pigs are just trying to make bank  
at the end of the month.
So close to making it.
I’ve got dirt grinding between my teeth
And my face is
soaked a crimson red
pooling under my eye
dripping into my mouth
“Call paramedics!”
“but I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’m trying to cooperate now.
You must think I’m ******* insane

There’s no panic in me
only sorrow.
Up against the car
ambulance head lights
******* blinding me.
You’re already in the back of the car
the overhead light casting onto your face
you mouthed the words so calmly
“It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay”
I tried to believe, I tried to cry.

Back up arrives
******* ******* are having
a ******* fiesta.
But the paramedics are nice
just stop taking pictures of me, please.

I collapse onto the ground
against the vehicle
with my vision spotted
so close to passing out.

They decide we can ride in the same vehicle.
“You like to swim, God?” you asked.
“When I was a kid.” he’s blunt.
“Why not now? It feels just as good as it did
when you were 10.”
But he didn’t answer.
And the sun is lighting the city that I love

There’s massive sliding doors
they crash so loudly
the sound ricochets off the cement walls.

We’re escorted inside
I still haven’t shed any tears.
We remove all jewelry
un-weave  all that’s tangled in our dreads
“They want everything in this ******* bag.”
the policeman said.
they cut the strings from my ******
christmas tree shorts

I’m given beige sandals
my soiled feet are too small.
I take a seat on the cement bench
filthy old ***** eyeing me up and down
grinning freakishly.
I look ******* haggard.

I see the counselor
then attempt to use the bathroom
to open the door on
some old **** ****
taking a ****.

Infomercials drone
obnoxiously.
I hate television.

You take a seat next to me
wearing the hideous sandals as well.
So cold, the alcohol is wearing off
you hand me your paisley flannel.
I bleed on it.

If only we had stayed behind that building
smoking our cigarettes
sharing our minds.
Only 4 more minutes till
the paper would have burned to the filter
would have made all the difference.

I see the nurse.
I’m re-bandaged trying to hold back
my shutters of pain.
His kind words and soft speak
bring me to my first tears
“I’m not like this, I just want to sleep…
in my bed… with my cat.
And my family… Oh my Godddd!”
I’m bellowing as quietly as I can.
And he tells me stories.

I’m allowed to make my phone call
and it’s your turn with the nurse.
Mother.
I’m wallowing into the phone to her
I’m frantic and self-loathing
And she’s coming to save me.

Escorted to your waiting cell
I’m alone now
I feel completely alone.
I’ve lost myself somewhere
between bottles and spent cigarettes.

Taken to the waiting cell
it smells putrid like a public bathroom
which jolts me.
I take my seat on the repulsive floor.

There’s an older obese woman
curled into a ball in the back corner
sobbing.
And everyone looks ******.

The clock is creeping to 8am
******* let me out.
I watch the lazy pigs
******* cackle and stand so proudly
like they earned another
notch in their belts.

Close to 10am I receive my “blues”
and yet another photograph
You in your cell,
give me comforting smiles.
******* **** hollers,
“Awh **** baby! You tried to run!
I’ll bond you out!
I gotcha baby!”
****. Off.

The blond woman takes us upstairs
through metal detectors, crashing doors,
coded rooms, surveillance cameras.
And I’ll never forget
her spidery eyelashes.

I drag my mesh bag on the floor
it contains my blankets and toothbrush…
#36.

I’m lost, everyone there
has been there before.

I just disappeared
no one knows
what happened to me
when they awake.
I let everyone down,
including myself.

The lunch food is served
I want to *****
I’ve been awake for
23hrs and the alcohol is
wearing off completely
I feel like a walking corpse.

#36…
Through the slit of window
I can see you, mother
oh, mother.
please don’t leave me here

I try not to fall asleep
because I could miss the intercom
announcement to release me.

That steel door clicked
and opened
my mother and father stood up
and I had never been happier to see them
It was silent other than my sobbing
and everyone stared
wild-eyed and confused
as I exited to false freedom
and sunshine

i think, and i realize

how far can i go

*******

******* up

getting ****** up

and then not be okay with things anymore.

when will i wanna change?

and will i know how?

i need new scenery. everything is too worn out to me.

always blame the season.

i don’t remember how to feel anymore.

but i do remember how it felt.

and i keep spending time with people who

don’t know how to feel either.

and we just dig holes with each other.

it’s ultimately ******.

and the reason we don’t ever mean that much

to each other is because

we’re ****** up.

but that’s all we want, we say.

the right amount of insanity or else they get the boot.

it’s no fun if they’re completely sane.

it’s no fun if they wont damage their brain with you.

always trading lovers in, fading out.

people are beautiful

the crazy people are beautiful

with their slightly broken smile

daily fixes

and unruly speak

they all forgot how to love

but lust all the same

breaking at the seams

of how things used to be

thinking it was better before

we got here.