What does a lover want to hear, that you kept me alive even when I
Wanted to die I wanted it all to end
I didn't want to **** myself but sometimes that sneaking dark crept up on me

I wouldn't have fought

But it's not true, I kept me alive
I made myself trudge forwards and I cried, I was a waterfall of hatred and salmon swam upstream they left half-moon scars beside moles,
Their tails were the silver nailcippers in my skin lashing furious obsessed
(i told the kids to wait a second and watch tv while i found their nailcippers)
(i doused them in peroxide and rubbing alcohol)
(i told their mother my aunt i cut myself while shaving)

it was

          not an accident


i could say you kept me alive but it was me, i kept me alive


what do you do?

i can say only this:

in your mind i find someone i respect
in your arms i find the sleep that eludes me
daily


it is not love it is

                                                          


                                                        More.

MIDNIGHT revelations, or-
Not much so midnight as 5am,
(The darkest before the dawn, they say)
but I say MIDNIGHT because it
is softer on the ears, but less fuzzy in the head it reeks of
time still to spare, of cheeks tucked onto pillows of
a morning denouement, a chance to feel resigned and better even
if it is with puffy eyes and salted lashes but,

the truth, there will be no stolen hours of sleep I
am awake, that makes these MIDNIGHT revelations that
steal into my mind, set my heart racing, dry my mouth
much more sinister, yes,
and twice as telling as true as true can be
as hard as that blueing sky, the same color as
the snow, dizzying, dazzling,
those minutes of potential resolution ticking away
(but you must know) that these thoughts are the resolution
you have thought a thing, it is real, this is your ******
stolen in that slip of daydream between the dawn and the night
where the country lies sleeping but for those who are too troubled
to rest, they have bigger fish to fry
this is your night, your day, your comfortable bed to make
your MIDNIGHT, these thoughts,
like ice water over a shivering set of shoulders

I feel
(worse)
with every passing day


Maybe in another lifetime
Another phase

The smell of your chest both
Comforts and sickens
Me.

If I was not me
I would not believe all the things that have happened to me
Happened.

I would call myself a liar.

I love you and we've
Been together for a million seconds, two years, countless silent
Minutes but I
Am confused and I
Wish there was answers
If there are
(don't) tell me them and

Written in the stars? Maybe
It is

Maybe

I'm floundering
Like a fish
Headed to the ***

I love you and we've
Been together for a million seconds, two years, countless silent
Minutes but I
Don't think it will work I
Don't think it's written in the stars.


I know, at some point,
It was.

HEY you have to BREATHE
in- stealing that oxygen and aether
your ribcage is a fox trap, in it lies that pesky hemoglobin that
begs and cries for sustenance, nurture those peripheral tissues
focus on the undulation of the diaphragm, the sticky heartbeat
the reddening cheeks that
scream that blossoms and bursts in your throat
but don't
let it out
the night is fragile. air crystalline. those icicles are counting on you
so forget
it get over
it just stuff it
down deep down and
breathe, OK
quietly
a warm wind thru an empty canyon a
billowing sail a
knife

And I never told you how I feel
Poisoned, like a tired old thing which has
Died and been magicked back to life in the same
Lumpy, raggedy body
Sawdust at the seams, eyes dull from rubbing
A velveteen rabbit worn to skin, fit for the fire to
Wash away the contagion and stink of sickness

I convince myself this is not the case I
Convince people around me this is not the case but after the
Parties are done and the work is gone and the exams are finished I feel
That weariness in my bones that this is who I am
A dead thing that pretends to be alive

You called me silvertongue once,
‘You could sell beans to a bean farmer,’
Let me do you one better, bud,
I’ve been selling beans to myself knowing
That they will never grow
I spit them around me when I feel the grit in my mouth like
Malformed pearls, nuptial gifts to myself
The ultimate scam, they build and build around me, they balance on each other
Higher and higher they pile, pebbles on rocks until they wall me in and I think
This time with fear
What if they grow? What happens if they grow?
Is this what life is? Am I doing it?

Red electric blood
I thought of you again I
Bit skin off my lip in recoiled
Shock the reminder of you like
Buzzing of neurons, the missing limb
Fresh and shocking, both the
Absence and Presence
(alpha and omega)
That you exist in scope of me, you were here and
Now you aren’t you
Don’t