You are depressed
And I am anxious
We are a headcase

And when you're crying,
I am swearing and probing
And when you're suicidal
I am angry and empty
I offer you no sympathy
And you ask for none

You offer me no comfort and I
Endlessly demand it.


Your depression (like an uncertain vice)
Squeezes around my life.
(i don't care if i live or die)
(an unintended pregnancy will be swiftly stopped with the death of its host)
(cancer may be met with a compliant body)

My anxiety (like a wet blanket)
Smothers your indifference out.
(you are nauseous with worry)
(my unending talk about cancer and pregnancy ***** the remaining life out of you)
(You love me but hate my conversation)

And now whose to say that
I am depressed and anxious and
You are anxious and depressed and
You're gone for the summer and
I'm home for the summer, wishing on blood.
We are a headcase.

And when you are worrying I am indifferent
And when you speak of death I listen without repulsion
And when I am anxious you are egging me on
And my Plan B is suicide (is it your Plan A?)

We're not okay, Lovey.

I feel(t) my prettiest with sunken cheeks and
A dragon spine and
A suggestion of ribs and
A coffee stomach
(disappointingly swollen)

I turned in the mirror
And slowly painted
Away with dark circles
Away with premature wrinkles
On with the perfect skin the
Black eyeliner the
Huge eyes
(i see everything, you *****.)
(post pictures on Yahoo!)
(oh, a seven.)
(disappointing.)

There was no food in the house
(she bought coffee with the $20 I lent her)

I hungered for nothing but
Cavernous blue eyes (my own)

I hungered for nothing but
To have fun (i can prove it)

I turn the pages of my diary and there
Is nothing but song lyrics (they made sense to me)

Somewhere
Testament to my weakness is where
I say I want to be loved.
(there's nothing left)



(i was living when I was running on coffee)
(i wish i could go back)

After exams in 2012

-My darling,

I
Lost all our friends because I don't keep my promises.
I try to convince us, both
-You and me, it's for the better,
-I mean
They were all too self-obsessed, annoying, frustrating, sprayed with
So much perfume that you'd see plastic
Flowers and kiss your pain-free head
Goodbye (to them.)
And I told them (except one)
-I love you.
I loved them.
She said I had nice curves that I
Had a nice
-****
And for that day I didn't starve
But she still did.

-Please.

When I left him, after his
Vow of eternal silence and
Infuriating stubbornness and
the way he misused words like
blood, nightmares, hell
In an effort to conjure suspense to
-Get me to care
I didn't.
I didn't care about him, I
Couldn't care about him.
-That
And the fact that he now acts as if I humiliated him,
Slept with his friends (you were his friend)
Clawed his shirts, killed the family cat, ran a
Neat black sharpie down the line of his ribs and sliced, then
Red-handed, copper-scented,
Plucked his heart out
And
-I
Dress it in a top hat, then
Divorce him.
He wrecked it for himself he
-Wrecked
Something I never felt.
She chose him, my,
-Our
Best friend with the asymmetrical hair chose him and

You chose me, thank you.
Thank you,
I'm scared of being alone again, I'm scared of neat sunny
-Comfortable
Rooms
Of the lonely summers of
Me facing myself just me and no
You.
^Give me hope.
-Group
(s)
May be better for prancing
Frolicking
******* off the owners
-Of
Luxury cars.
You are better for kissing,
Loving, listening,
Cuddling on the side of the
Hill.

They were our
Partners in action when we
Defiled
The David Schwimmer tape and
they were our
-Friends.
When we mooched off you and they
Brought
Me out of a
(dark)
Place but
(No buts)
I know you won't say it
-I wrecked it.
-I am sorry