It’s day 247 and you’re still breathing. You tried to cheat the game of life, but it punishes you for trying to avoid the rules of the game. You tried drowning your sorrows with pills, but woke up in a hospital bed to the beeping of your heart. That **** noise haunting you because your heart's still singing the melody of your life. You tried hanging yourself in your haunting closet, and woke up in the same position with a progressing bruise around your neck. Still depressed, still alive.  You cut your waist into pieces but your body sewed the pieces right back up. You’re left with the scars, and they just remind you of  how hideous you are. The voices in your head get off on your pain, and all you’re doing is feeding them while starving yourself. They want to see you struggle, they want to see you sad. They know you have a long while till nature diffuses your atoms, and they want you to suffer. They want you to never enjoy your life because they never get to live besides through you. Quit starving yourself and starve your depression.

As soon as I awoke, I felt as if needles were being pushed all throughout my body. I’m facedown on the side of a cold, gravel road. I reach up my hands to wipe the crust from out of my eyes, and am astonished when blood trickles on my fingers instead. It seemed as if the pebbles on the road had more color to themselves than my lifeless body.
I look around to catch a glimpse of where I am, but I can not even remember my name. I scream for help, but satan’s hands wrap around my neck to keep me in silence. I’m lost. I’m alone; and can’t even remember a place to go.
With what little strength I have left, I limp down the road with only one shoe on. I feel as if I’ve traveled down this road my entire life, but it just doesn’t look the same anymore. I walk as far as I can until I stumble upon my own legs and tumble to the ground.
I lie there in pain thinking this is the end. In a warming sunflower field my body rests, and my breath sings along with the wind. My heartbeat dances to the song nature is singing. Before I close my eyes I notice a lonesome shoe on the road. This must’ve been the beginning and is now the end. I close my eyes for permanent this time, and whisper my last breath; “Death is the most peace, I’ve ever felt.”

I am from the stars in the night sky
A child of the cosmos
I am from the hands of the creator
At one with all his creations
I am from the void
For its tears poured me down
I am from my own breath
Giving me the very life I live
I am from the woven fabric of the universe soaked in love
So forever I shall love and be loved

From the beginning
To the end,
Every flesh and bone is bleeding of complicity;
Complying in the devil’s work of
To be and not to be.

A paradoxical impression
to be a conspicuous painting,
While given a restriction of colors
Consisting only of
The grey shades on each lost souls tombstones,
Pure whites like the snow that goes up an addict's nose,
and the dull blackness that posses a smokers' lungs.

Society pushes one to be beautiful
Defining beauty in the dullness of originality.
Daring souls search for the rainbows,
While the others
Pull air-tight bags around of the heads
Of those who no longer desire
the breath of flames beyond their feet.

The devil sits on both of my shoulders. The right side thrives off each of my insecurities, while the left side guides me down bottomless pits, putting me in never ending trouble. My demons crawl under my skin, possessing my each and every thought and action. I try to fight it, but the possession takes over my feelings too. Making me enjoy the pain. Enjoy bringing people down to hell, because of how lonesome it gets.
I will manipulate you. I’ll tell you how beautiful you are, while I’m possessing pieces of your heart. I’m going to take each and every piece besides one, so you will still be able to feel the emptiness you have after I stole your heart. Please cry to me, and tell me how much I hurt you. The sadness I caused you turns me on more than you ever did by taking off your pants. You always scream how much you hate me, but my interpretation is more valuable than those three disgusting ******* words: I love you.
I’m ripping you to sheds turning your life into a very hell, while you keep coming back. Pleading for your heart, where I have it stashed with all the others. I never cared about the first one, the second, and so on up to you: and I will never care about the other ones continuing my game after you. You turn into the devil when you let your demons take control, thriving off the suffering of others while you’re locked up in Hell. I can’t care about the pain of others because I’ve been numb for so long.  I’m the  paradox of being the heartless girl with too many hearts.

They did this to me. Do you hear me just take a ******* look at me. I used to be normal I swear I was. I lived in a modern house with a beautiful family; I was beautiful, I wasn’t always this ugly.

The thing about “normal” is that it’s just another stupid label from society. You’re “normal” if you live a life for the pleasure of everyone besides your own good. I was tired of this repetition. Living a life demonstrated around the successful people of society. To clarify when I say successful I mean wealthy, not happy. Maybe it was the unsatisfactory that did this to me, but that unsatisfactory was caused by THEIR standards.

One day It all just snapped. I was staring at a mirror looking into the eyes of the devil. His perfect, clothes, his perfect hair, just all of his perfection. Without any recognition my fist defied gravity and flew in the air, straight into the mirror. Straight into his ****** grin. I sat there laughing. Laughing at the blood on my hand. Laughing at my now externalized pain I’d been holding in for so long. Laughing at my insanity.

I couldn’t play the role of normal after this, so they caught on to me. They feared me because I was a display of their darkest fantasies. However they wouldn’t admit it. Now here I am locked up in an asylum declared insane, all because I questioned the rules of the game.

I woke up like I did every morning. The pores on my skin crying rivers to me for all of the vandalism I put in my body. The nausea in my stomach for all of my unsettling actions. I try to rush to the bathroom to ***** out the rest of the remains, but nothing comes out. Nothing at all. I feel nothing at all.

There’s always been this void inside of me. I tried to distract with the devil himself: drugs. I remember smoking **** in the sixth grade, and telling myself this was the only drug I would ever do. By the time I was fifteen, I had more ******* in my system than I did dopamine. Months went along where I was covering my problems playing in a field full of snow, but it never gave me the justice of feeling whole.

Substance after substance, I failed every time to fill the emptiness gouging inside of my chest. The only thing I experienced out of this catastrophic path was drug addiction. I’d say it was the drugs that made me numb, but I’d been living lifeless beforehand. The drugs were never enough, but this realization never stopped me from going.

I was so tired of living in an infinite nighttime, that I drowned my sorrows with pills this night. I never gave myself the chance to wake up and see the morning sun. Not even death could separate me from my addiction: Filling the Void.

That ****** crooked smile spitting lies while I’m interpreting it as music to my ears. Your beautiful melody singing me farther into a trans. Your touch takes me higher and I’ve been feeling so low without the brush of your warm hands. The sweet scent of cigarettes on your breath making your kisses feel like home. You were so vulnerable in the mornings, pulling me closer to your body and kissing my precious face. I wish you would’ve showed me behind your mask more often. It was the times I saw behind it, when I realized how beautiful you truly were.

You had a heart torn in pieces and refused to put them back together. Instead of letting me help you, you protected yourself from even letting me touch a piece. I came so close every time, but you were always one step ahead of the game. Putting up traps that I’d fall into every time, taking my eyes off the prize. You’d spit how much you hated me, while your eyes were pleading me to kiss you. There were too many clouds for you to see the light.

I couldn’t help but to tell myself, “actions speak louder than words.” You crushed every ounce of hope I had left in me. Hope that you would forever put down the mask for me. Hope that you could see the beauty in love, despite the pain. I hope one day someone gets to help you, but I don’t hope that's me.

physically our paths parted months ago,
but I can still feel our fingers intertwined as we walk hand in hand along the astral plane

The sun shone his light down on me and took me to a place where we were alone;
He told me how he'd guide me forever, his presence will never remain unknown.
His power is no longer his, but one we share.
For I am the sun, I am all creations.
We are part of something higher, never traveling on our own.

A Friday night and I sit alone in my basement.
alone with a bottle of jack.
I always reminisce on the things I used to love,
the social skills I used to acquire
and wonder what the **** happened.
I went from friends with everyone to having myself.
I  only really had  people to distract me from this feeling.
Well right now i'm lonely and need a distraction
because I've pushed away every thing that was both good and bad for me.
I know I'm supposed to be strong and come to terms with loneliness.
but lately it's been eating me alive.
so here's a shot for myself;
and another shot for this bottle.  
I'm just gonna drink it till i'm empty because right now I have no one left.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning and our old memories keep playing in my head.
I'm in love with our collection of good memories, I'm not in love with you.
I believe it's the past that keeps us tied down to a lost loved one,
because we look past the bad moments and see all of the times that made us fall deeper in love.
We remind ourselves of what we had, and let our minds wander away from the present.
If memories didn't last, we'd be able to move on;
I'm not saying I haven't moved on from you, because believe me I have.
I just don't love you, I loved what we had.

I'm sorry I couldn't love you back the way you did me.
I'm sorry for leading you on, when I only wanted the feeling of you instead of you.
I'm sorry for breaking your heart into pieces, because mines beating just fine.
I'm sorry for exposing you to the world, and then abandoning you before you could see it all.
I'm sorry i could no longer be you're grounding, because i'm watching you fall apart as time goes on.
I'm sorry I took away your happiness, but I hope you find a way to grow off heartbreak.
But most importantly i'm sorry that you'll never hear these things from me, because I don't know how to express my emotions to anyone besides my self.

I'm clenching my jaw so hard to pronounce three simple words:
I want to pronounce "i love you"
but i'm spitting up blood instead.
How do you know if you truly love someone?
and that's what scares me the most..
When I think i've already felt the deepest admiration,
I feel it a little bit more.
so maybe "I love yous" are pointless,
because none of us truly know what love is-
and if what i've felt isn't love
I never want to feel such a thing.

You only say you love me when you're kissing down my body;
You only give me attention when you want something not because you need me.
We all do things for the ones that we love,
Yet some only love what we can give them.

I've been killing myself lately
and waiting on you to notice;
The ways my eyes
hold no color,
Besides the black and blues
under my eyes.
Id scream your name,
if I could,
But I bit my tongue off from
holding back on
all the words I should've said.
I carved your name in my wrists
in order to catch your attention;
But you found it
as an act of love.
I was killing myself,
waiting for you to save me,
giving you all the signs
my body could;
However, you were too busy
looking in the mirror.

You brought out the best of me
but now your no longer here
to instruct me
from my rights
and wrongs.
but everything you did felt so right;
I guess I just was blinded
by your imperfections.
I tried to tell you how much I loved you
without saying
those three forbidden words;
"I love you,"
but you were too busy
paying attention to my actions
not the meanings behind them.
I wanted to pull you into me,
the way each kissed we pulled away from
left us wanting more.
I wanted the image of me
laughing or looking genuinely happy
to burn your mind
in all of the worst ways possible.

Instead I'm the one who lives
with the feeling
of drowning in you.
Without knowing it
you pulled me into
the depths of you,
where each laugh
we shared came from.
Every night I close my eyes
I see the burning image
of your smile
and it drives me mad.
While I was trying to give you
the feeling of
dying in my arms
I lost myself
and most importantly;
you.

my life consists of a constant nightmare.
whether my state is conscious or unconscious, every part of me seems to be living in hell.
living, I am, with the feeling of being dead before actually dying.

EVER SINCE YOU LEFT ME THERE'S BEEN THIS CONSTANT  STABBING PAIN IN MY CHEST AND I'M LEFT CLUELESS OF RIDDING IT.  
I WAS TOO IN LOVE WITH YOU TO REALIZE YOUR PLACING OF KNIVES IN TO MY HEART. AS I FELL DEEPER INTO YOUR TRANS YOU INSERTED THEM FURTHER INTO THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART.
THIS PAIN WAS OBLIVIOUS TO ME UNTIL YOU LEFT, YOU ARE MY DRUG AND I HAVE AN ADDICTION.
THE ONE THING I FEEL I NEED I CAN'T HAVE.  I WOULD DO SO MANY THINGS TO GET ONE LAST TASTE OF WHAT I HAD.
NOW ALL I HAVE LEFT ARE THE BRUISES YOU LEFT DOWN MY NECK AND UPPER CHEST.  YET OVERTIME THESE MARKS WILL ABANDON MY SKIN AS IF NOTHING WAS THERE NOR EVER HAPPENED.
WHAT ONCE WAS A SENSE OF PLEASURE NOW BRINGS ME DISCOMFORT AS TO WHAT I'VE LOVED AND WHAT IV'E LOST.
I GAVE YOU MY ALL BUT THAT WAS NEVER ******* GOOD ENOUGH.
ALL I AM NOW IS A LIFELESS BODY LEFT OF BRUISES AND BATTLE WOUNDS.  THINGS FEEL AS IF THEY'LL NEVER HEAL BECAUSE YOU ARE MY CURE YET GONE.
DAY BY DAY YOU STRENGTHEN AND LIVE YOUR LIFE OBLIVIOUS THAT EACH OF THESE DAYS I BREAK AND BLEED A LITTLE MORE.
THOSE KNIVES YOU LEFT  MAINTAIN THEIR PLACE IN MY HEART AND AGGRAVATE MY WOUNDS AS TIME GOES BY.  I COULD TAKE THEM OUT AND LET MYSELF HEAL BUT ITS ALL I HAVE LEFT OF YOU AND I'VE ALREADY LOST ENOUGH.
SOMETIMES THE PAIN IS WORTH IT AND LOVING YOU WAS THE BEST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT.