I grab words from you

They are precious to me

I want to keep them folded

Safe in my pocket.

*But
I hang on to the end of your sentences
Like a starved man holds a crust of bread

I know that you are too beautiful for me to hold
Too precious and rare to belong to me
I am the humble farm boy
You the long haired princess

...the boy who hides in the garden
Just to hear you sing

I don't deserve you
Long legged  and delicate

(Keeping a butterfly in a jar
With a single stick to rest on
The hardest thing for the scientist to do
Is unscrew the cap
And let her float away)

My Almosts

1.
You were drunk.
I was naive.
You were older.
I fell for your charm.
You took advantage.
Too bad you’re going nowhere.
You could have been great.

2.
We had a blind date.
You brought flowers.
I stayed blind.
I forgot to see that we were awful together.
You’re a stupid ginger.

3.
You caught my interest.
We saw a bad movie
and giggled together the whole time.
You put your arm around me
in the uncomfortable movie theater seat.
Bad kisser.
Too short.

4.
We got hot and heavy.
Nostalgia stuck around for years.
You didn’t.
You kept leaving and coming back.
I wanted you so badly.
I loved everything about you.
You didn’t.

5.
We bonded.
We had things in common.
You made stupid jokes
and I laughed sincerely.
We picked out kids names
and wedding colors.
So close...


6.
We met at work.
I was loud.
You were shy.
We took it slow.
You treated me with respect.
We made a solid foundation.
You never let me go to bed angry.
I might marry you.
Almost.

With the cloudy sky reflecting in the drops of dew
we made love in the grass,
the passionate entanglement
left green in our crevasses,
and yellow flowers braided themselves fragilely into our hair
what an uncomfortable experience!

Oh, but, one Ill never forget-
you, always so clean, now covered in green, and me laughing away, red red roses stuck between my teeth as we tumble down that hill, and into the neighbor's yard.
Its full of bicycles, new and red, shiny and broken, small and old
and he says he doesn't mind if we take one for a ride, as long as we fix our clothes and get out of his yard-
Take a shower, he said, you look like you
could blend in with the trees and the buttercups-
and don't come back until you do!
Get rid of that green, and that yellow, and
the red red red stuck in your teeth,
you wouldn't want the any of the real flowers biting your toes,
impostors aren't welcome in a field of daffodils, you ought to know-

So, we took our bikes, rode to the river, and we jumped-
SPLASH!
The colorful droplets fled downstream, and joined the trout-
weren't the fishermen surprised when they pulled in a blue fish,
green fish, and yellow and red!

I can't have kids.
Now that I said it just please accept it.
I could lie to you and say I was in some sort of horrible accident that rendered me sterile.
I could lie and say his ***** is slower than fish swimming in a barrel.
I could lie and say we wish for such a miracle. but we don't.

at the end of the day my mind is rattling. in the morning it never wants to start. when I try to think about happiness then an arrow deflates my heart. nerves and worries are like sparrows nests in my head. i cry for those that lived, i cry for those that are dead, and i cry for myself because my mind has never tried producing enough chemicals to make me happy. it's not the run of the mill stuff, it's deep **** treading through and it is rough.

I see no reason to bring a kid into this place. If it were diabetes or heart problems people would respect my decision space. without children i feel no sadness. it's one less soul that doesn't have to see my mind's madness.

As I look back on the past year
I realize my mistakes
are blessings in disguise
Falling from the skies
like the leaves off of trees
to be buried by Winter's snow
and in the Spring
to regrow
making my brilliance shine
when it becomses Summer time
and when its Fall
again
the leaves will fall again
creating new blessings from above
for future mistakes to come.