there was once a myth
that was told to me
about a little town
that bordered south seas

a town of right minds
with enterprise and gold
where thoughts of innovation
and imagination had been sold

this town was  small
quite quaint indeed
where unique animals were born
and new creatures were to breed

in the town there was a tinker man
who some had become afraid
had gone quite mad
as he did sound insane

he hid in his shop
and let not a citizen around
until his annual sale
in which there were no sounds

some felt bad for the man
who was born to tinker
so many would hover
stare and linger

“i created terrific creates!”
said the tinker once more
until one day he ran
from his little tinker store

the lady marilee came
to observe this strange being
as though she was not phased
by any animal she’d been seeing

by then it was gone
this creature disappeared
along with all others
when new townsmen appeared

“it disappeared so quick," the tinker cried,
i couldn’t take a look,”
it croaked and crawled
and it shivered and it shook!”

the lady Marielle
hindered at his story
and retained her shock
as she glowed with full glory

“your eyes mr. tinker !”
theyre as white as a ghost
surely the creature made you ill
maybe tetnus at the most!

but it did not bite
nor did it sneer
and marbile ran
to the tinker man near

"did you find the creature"
she asked so soft
but as soon as he turned
he was taken aloft

"why marible look
your eyes are as mine
but i do not feel sick
i feel finer than fine!"

all the townspeople were frightened
as they walked into town
and threatened to banish
in an uproar sound

soon they were driven out
with their pearly white eyes
and all creatures stopped breeding
every shape every size

since then the creatures of this town
have been gone along with some
who encountered the tinker man’s
unique little one

where did they go
or where did they fall
nobody knew
except those who had saw

legend says
that those with white eyes
had possessed a soul
so much greater in size

watch out for the pearly eyes
for they will turn back
these creatures are evil
and have created a tact

they collect all the souls
and **** out their lies
while giving them all
but shiny white eyes

all those who banished
these innocent victims
were stricken with bitterness
unfortunate delirium

now there is a law
given by the state
that no man can enter
or they must face their fate

i never believed
until i walked to the border
and there stood a line
of warning signs and a police order

memories of the people
are still told in all ways
and those of their ancestors
never enter the town today

there was once a myth
that was told to me
about a little town
that bordered south seas

have nothing on me
as I watch with blissful anger
at how beautiful it used to seem
if life speaks tragedy
I’ll scream at the top of my lungs
to drown out the uselessness
of the moon and the sun
they mock me so violently
but still take my breath away
they yell and they whisper
to go on another day
I hate you and I love you
moon and sun in between
they will always be more beautiful
and to them I will always be seen

you are simply
the beginning and the end.
i am not morbidly mourning my own self destruction,
but i had forgotten my priorities when i first had laid eyes on you.
simply, the innocence of my being had been lost because every pore had been filled with the presence of yourself. it is incredibly challenging to explain the exasperating and overwhelming draft you add to the room.
like a casting call
for your own role - identity.
god i could play it over and over again.
like a torn up passion
sprinkling its own grace over the particular stereotype.
like those films and stories of love and deep movement.
you are simply the blindness that i feel
to all of my surroundings
that inevitably keeps me from recognizing
the beginning and the end
of myself.

i remember the night
my soul left my body
in utter agony

like thousands of
tiny pin ******
driving into every nerve
of my body

i gripped my hands onto my chest
to feel my heart racing
and my blood running cold —

i buried my body into the
bed i used to share with you
and i poured tears
onto my pillowcase
and let the sheets run damp
for days —

i picked myself up
after those days turned into weeks
and i vowed to never
let anyone in that close again

i would never wish that pain
on anyone except back onto you

because you shattered me

i was left with nothing
while you had everything
i was left with nobody
while you had everybody

and i will never get back
the part of my soul that you
stole when you walked away

you still make my
stomach turn
and now that she finally has you
after digging her claws into me
and finally ripping you away
i hope they all realize

every lie you told
is laid out in front of them
so they can finally see

that when you called me crazy
it was really you all along

and i ******* hate you

i

hate you

your words flow thick
off of your tongue
sweet molasses and all of
what nature had to bring you

like a dew fall dripping down
your “not so humble”
pure persona that was once
whispering ghostly phrases
of happenstance and
good fortune
in my ready ear
as you
attained what you pleased with
no shame in your
dirt worthy hands

black like charcoal; your soul

you walking away from what you know
only now with a more guilty conscience
I’m sorry I was naive enough
to take dew fall as
the end rather than
the beginning
my mistake to feel right?
because why beg for sincerity
when chivalry is far more an
act than a much deserved victory
for mankind

you tear me apart you know?
the kind that satisfies you
and makes my bones chill
and yours feel like
muscle as you puff out your chest
in some half gracious attempt to feel
“strong” like a ReAl MaN!¡

to me, you were the beginning again
and all I needed was
the dew fall

and i do not know how to describe it
their doors are decorated with
wreaths and flowers
like a welcoming symphony
a philharmonic of hospitality
their lights are always on at the right time
and it seems that they are friendly to the environment
because
their solar panels gleam like a diamond
catching the light at the perfect time
they pile into the car in the morning
with three beautiful children
prim and proper
the husband looks as if he is
something out of a magazine
and his wife
resembles themis
carrying daily
the flames of passion
but the neighbors next door look sad
maybe it's just me
but when i wave, they do not wave back
they do not even smile
the neighbors next door seem rude
to those who pass
but i understand because
everyone wants to talk about the
neighbors next door
when they don’t realize
that
they are the neighbors next door
too.

the uncanny feeling wells up inside
my chest
bursting along with a thousand butterflies
this is not a happy day, and we knew this
was creeping
crawling
awaiting to arise in the
awkward silence and steadiness of the
night
you’re gone

to know and to be certain that you exist
in someone else's world
minutes or hours away
is incredible - yet completely illogical.

to know and to be certain that someone thinks of you
when you're not there is an absurdity - and yet entirely wondrous
even then, still, your fingers ache to grasp the intangible reality
of revelation as to when and where your two worlds will collide again when you are apart.

and upon that collision
will there be time to stand and watch the seasons change?
or will it move like lightning - in seconds it is gone
and you have missed it.

will days be weary from verbal abscission or will hours be shortened
by love's implicitly?
furthermore, will night's be stormy from words left unsaid
or will minutes be lengthened by confluence of two souls?

those moments
when souls are bonded
when their eyes find yours
when your breath catches
when your voice falters in your throat
those moments
when their lips press against your skin
when your eyes close
when your hands clasp
and your heart hammers
those moments when

you cant tell whose heart is is synching with who's -
those are the moments you crave.

there is nothing more innocent than someone who can stop you in your tracks with a wave - and take your breath away with a smile, jumpstart your heart with a word, and ignite a fire in your stomach with a kiss.

the absurdity of those moments is incredible - yet completely illogical.
so tell me, what does it really mean to be certain?

i visit the lake at night.
darkness of the hour engulfs me &  casts shadows upon
the painful silence.
invisible waves
                   crashing  
is unsettling yet
welcoming


                                       home.

an addictive aspect lives within me as i stand
willingly, accepting the change of scenery that i
inevitably
experienced  three hours before.
what had occurred in those three hours was painful
the innocence of daylight
laughing lovers, seagulls
they are gone now
but i stand willingly
                    accepting


                                      my mother.

calls me to come back
she is worried.
but i stand
                  willingly

this morning i looked at myself in the mirror
i still had makeup on from the night before
my hands were cold
my feet were grounded
its funny, ive never been able to see through other people
but as i stood, alone, in silence
i heard the buzz of the bathroom light
and i saw right through myself
---  the only one who really knows me
--- the only one in the whole entire world
that i can see through completely
and i didn't know if that was terrifying of beautiful

i often fail to conceptualize and compartmentalize the past
it so willingly invades my present and makes a reality here

the heaviness of my heart
collapsed upon your arrival
and welcomed itself
back into my arms
upon your absence

i am selfishly lost in my own dictation and imaginary metaphors.
i have blatenly forgotten to thank you
for making me feel the essence of innocence that has been so eternally masked behind my insecurity of loneliness.
the way you express your body language,
as if it were a puzzle -
a mystery to keep away the longed clarity.
unfortunately, the tactics you hold to be true about yourself, have been unraveled. mistakenly poured out into the air, and
have landed into my arms.
my whole being is engulfed in the comfort of
the warmth you so willingly radiate.
I promise to hold onto it.


oh
and
thank you.

my house is not my home
until those who I adore
fill the space I so genuinely
despise when it is
empty
just as a body may exist
to be a home for paradoxical
heartbeats - human and souls perhaps -
as they coexist to mold experience
all locked up in memories
a time capsule of individuality
a genuine tribute to wisdom as we grow
all unique and beautiful

but most importantly a memoir of the most subtle happenstances
the perfect collage

my body exists in my house
but it does not live until human experiences
all locked up collide together
they make it home
we say “its the little things”
dents in hardwood, a broken door hinge

(youll fix it one day)

they make the space less expensive
the collage more understandable
less extravagant, more extraordinary
I hope and I pray that when my eyes wearily
open on a Tuesday morning
and I pull at my hair while looking in the
mirror
that I can recreate the feeling of wholeness
one day of a true home for myself
that is not simply physical  

I will forever laugh at the mess
I will be honored to clean it up
how lucky am I to have something so
beautiful because

at the end of the day
we are all just
walking
each
other

home

cloud vs. a silver lining
important not only in daily life
but through sickness and health

my mother sat down on our living room couch and looked me dead in the eyes after her chemotherapeutic shot. she told me she sat down in the oncology patient room, waiting for her round for the month. she said it depressed her. she said the nurses were anything but compassionate when they loaded her up with medicine. a painful sting coasting through her veins. she never unlocked her eyes with mine, until she told me that the nurse smiled at her and said, “at least now you can get a new set of *******”! I can tell she was hurt. she couldn’t do this, her health wouldn’t allow for it. she told me she was crushed, that it was a cloud. I thought about this for a long time. I thought about the clouds that others added into her life. “at least they caught it early”, “at least you’re alive now”.

I looked for a silver lining. something to let her know that clouds pass. that winds blow away the grey. that the weather is never unchanging. that she was strong. I looked her in the eyes once more and told her I loved her. not that I was happy that she was still here. not that one day she may be able to watch me walk down the aisle, or hold my child. not that I was sorry or felt for her. just that I loved her. and she smiled at me, a genuine smile. not beaming with happiness, but a little spark showed through all kinds of pain.

love, that’s her silver lining. so that’s mine too.

I loved the way you held out your arms
when we hadn’t seen each other in awhile.
waiting for me to jump into them
embracing you, drowning me in your presence.

I’ll miss that you
innocent, wide eyed, happy.
You’d whisper in my ear.
you’d make me laugh.

I don’t recognize you anymore.
I can’t remember your voice.
but if you ever need me, I’m here
waiting for you to jump into my arms.

I’ll always embrace you
I’ll always drown you in my presence.
and God, I’ll always be happy.

there is a place i dream of
with fields of green
weeping willows
wallowing words of wisdom
lullabies of the greater presence
those backroads
where time is slow and the
wind whispers wonders
of a
greater tomorrow
tranquil silence just
loud enough to hear yourself think
a thought that you took too quickly
a peaceful nothingness
i dream of clarity and answers
in this place and i hope that
maybe one day i will not
have to dig into my mind
marveling over minutes
that have not yet passed
to make it through the day
but dreaming this dream
and longing for these trees
that will only grow in
my least wakeful moments
reminds me that
one day
i will wake up and be there
dreaming once again for
one
more
breath

they say you die twice
once when your heart stops
and twice the last time you are remembered
by someone

its most like
hearing something you weren't supposed to
and nobody knows you heard

but you still think you'll die once then
and maybe thats for the best
because for you
other peoples memories are just
ghosts
and you didn't really want to be remembered anyway
at least, not in the way they did

you make me feel unworthy of love.
incapable of fulfilling
manipulative expectations.
you make me feel lonely.
half instead of full.
you make me feel
like I am not good enough.
for you and others around me.
you make me feel terrified
of other’s intentions when
I couldn’t give them a chance myself.
you make me feel like I am inferior.
that you stand on the top of the ******* world
without even knowing it.
you make me feel like
I am unstable.
and that others notice it too.
you make me feel sad.
you make me feel small.
you make me feel like
I can never be touched by another.
adored by another.
cherished by another.

you make me feel unloved.
and it feels wrong.
but without you
I don’t feel.
you make me feel.
just not in the ways I
deserve to.

sometimes, the body suffers.
and the once warm and undoubtably
skin caressing,
hand held goosebumps cover the surface
of porcelain skin.

but, much like a clock and its gears,
if one piece is missing,
the heart cannot work.
and if the heart cannot work,
sometimes the body suffers.

cold for no reason other than the
pocket of regret.
but,
fortunently, the amazing thing
about the human body
is that
it heals itself, painfully, slowly through time.
these times are forbearing but
sometimes, the body has to suffer.