of hurt that i feel alone in the middle of the night
is mine anymore
i know it's not yours
or yours that you inflicted on me
nothing that belongs to me belongs to you anymore
this kind of hurt runs deeper than this
a hurt that is permanently encrypted
into the cracks in my soul
i want to scream because it is
one that i know i
cannot fix
one that i cannot
even put into words

and i can put
anything
into words

this morning i looked at myself in the mirror
i still had makeup on from the night before
my hands were cold
my feet were grounded
its funny, ive never been able to see through other people
but as i stood, alone, in silence
i heard the buzz of the bathroom light
and i saw right through myself
---  the only one who really knows me
--- the only one in the whole entire world
that i can see through completely
and i didn't know if that was terrifying of beautiful

they say you die twice
once when your heart stops
and twice the last time you are remembered
by someone

its most like
hearing something you weren't supposed to
and nobody knows you heard

but you still think you'll die once then
and maybe thats for the best
because for you
other peoples memories are just
ghosts
and you didn't really want to be remembered anyway
at least, not in the way they did

to know and to be certain that you exist
in someone else's world
minutes or hours away
is incredible - yet completely illogical.

to know and to be certain that someone thinks of you
when you're not there is an absurdity - and yet entirely wondrous
even then, still, your fingers ache to grasp the intangible reality
of revelation as to when and where your two worlds will collide again when you are apart.

and upon that collision
will there be time to stand and watch the seasons change?
or will it move like lightning - in seconds it is gone
and you have missed it.

will days be weary from verbal abscission or will hours be shortened
by love's implicitly?
furthermore, will night's be stormy from words left unsaid
or will minutes be lengthened by confluence of two souls?

those moments
when souls are bonded
when their eyes find yours
when your breath catches
when your voice falters in your throat
those moments
when their lips press against your skin
when your eyes close
when your hands clasp
and your heart hammers
those moments when

you cant tell whose heart is is synching with who's -
those are the moments you crave.

there is nothing more innocent than someone who can stop you in your tracks with a wave - and take your breath away with a smile, jumpstart your heart with a word, and ignite a fire in your stomach with a kiss.

the absurdity of those moments is incredible - yet completely illogical.
so tell me, what does it really mean to be certain?

I loved the way you held out your arms
when we hadn’t seen each other in awhile.
waiting for me to jump into them
embracing you, drowning me in your presence.

I’ll miss that you
innocent, wide eyed, happy.
You’d whisper in my ear.
you’d make me laugh.

I don’t recognize you anymore.
I can’t remember your voice.
but if you ever need me, I’m here
waiting for you to jump into my arms.

I’ll always embrace you
I’ll always drown you in my presence.
and God, I’ll always be happy.

your words flow thick
off of your tongue
sweet molasses and all of
what nature had to bring you

like a dew fall dripping down
your “not so humble”
pure persona that was once
whispering ghostly phrases
of happenstance and
good fortune
in my ready ear
as you
attained what you pleased with
no shame in your
dirt worthy hands

black like charcoal; your soul

you walking away from what you know
only now with a more guilty conscience
I’m sorry I was naive enough
to take dew fall as
the end rather than
the beginning
my mistake to feel right?
because why beg for sincerity
when chivalry is far more an
act than a much deserved victory
for mankind

you tear me apart you know?
the kind that satisfies you
and makes my bones chill
and yours feel like
muscle as you puff out your chest
in some half gracious attempt to feel
“strong” like a ReAl MaN!¡

to me, you were the beginning again
and all I needed was
the dew fall

cloud vs. a silver lining
important not only in daily life
but through sickness and health

my mother sat down on our living room couch and looked me dead in the eyes after her chemotherapeutic shot. she told me she sat down in the oncology patient room, waiting for her round for the month. she said it depressed her. she said the nurses were anything but compassionate when they loaded her up with medicine. a painful sting coasting through her veins. she never unlocked her eyes with mine, until she told me that the nurse smiled at her and said, “at least now you can get a new set of *******”! I can tell she was hurt. she couldn’t do this, her health wouldn’t allow for it. she told me she was crushed, that it was a cloud. I thought about this for a long time. I thought about the clouds that others added into her life. “at least they caught it early”, “at least you’re alive now”.

I looked for a silver lining. something to let her know that clouds pass. that winds blow away the grey. that the weather is never unchanging. that she was strong. I looked her in the eyes once more and told her I loved her. not that I was happy that she was still here. not that one day she may be able to watch me walk down the aisle, or hold my child. not that I was sorry or felt for her. just that I loved her. and she smiled at me, a genuine smile. not beaming with happiness, but a little spark showed through all kinds of pain.

love, that’s her silver lining. so that’s mine too.