Flighty, exciting people do more for me than
coffee dates, 6 months together, here's a heart shaped necklace.
I want you to kick me when I'm down and do nothing to help
so that when I stand I have skinned knees and a scratched face
smiling up at you. Kiss me and tell me to pull myself together
because all the ribbon has been used to tie together boxes for me
that contain coal, cat litter, razor blades and ****.
All the tape in our house has been used to keep my mouth shut
forcing me to tear it off and scream
for you to kick me down again
and have me stand on my own.

In March, I'd like to call you
and calmly speak into the phone,
asking, "Have you been my rapids
while all this time
I have been a stick of gum?"
My flavor shocking your tongue
wrapper strewn
on the sidewalk.
Just an hour later, you stuck me
to a telephone pole,
and continued on with your day.

Several times, I spoke to you and said that your arms are my home.
The eviction notice came shortly after, coffee stained and stapled to my forehead.
My house still stands and I have a warm bed to sleep in,
so isn't it lovely how I can build a new home in my head?
I tried this summer to find the meaning of what that should be
and happened across your outstretched arms
only seeing in hindsight that I had pried them open.
You were meant to be a kind word, never soft skin.
Sitting at the bottom of a snowy hill,
yelling to the top
I realized home is where I've been heading.

Sometimes I turn it into a game to see how many boys will promise to teach me how to swim, since my swimming lessons never stuck and I never bothered to learn when I grew enough to touch the bottom of my aunt's pool with my tippy-toes. Sometimes I like to count on my hands how many times I've been told that I'd be taken ice-skating in the winter and that, because my body is like a ballerina's and I can't dance, maybe I can skate and be brilliant at it. I've never seen a panda bear in real life, although we had made plans to go to the zoo over the summer. Skinny dipping is still only a silly idea to me since the water was "too cold" and "we might get caught." The movie Pulp Fiction was skipped for ***. So was the trip to the mall, playing video games, talking. My sister taught me how to ride a bike. I want to thank her.

What you say consists of
fifty percent the sound of your voice
and fifty percent the words.
Why is "dreamed" a word
but "nightmared" isn't?
When you have cancer, I don't dream,
I suffer with you
because however unfortunate it may be
your heart is tied to my hip
like a hand bag
that I keep nothing in
except a lighter and
a gum wrapper that you took the gum out of.

I want to write this for a future lover
if there ever is one:
You have the universe in your eyes, dear,
and the ocean is in mine.
They'll collide miles above us
so the explosion doesn't blind.
When you're introduced to my parents,
shake my father's hand and say
I know your hands caused harm
but I'll love your daughter all the same.
Her bruises are a ticking clock
until they fade away,
her voice is now my life's alarm
to keep sadness at bay.

This is the way the earth curves
while gravity keeps you away from me.
I'm in Chicago, you're in Shanghai
with not even a minute to say goodbye.  

And this is the way the world turns
as I love you and he loves her
in running shoes and perfect hair.
I couldn't be here and you weren't there.

This is the way the ground shakes
with tiny quivers then giant quakes.
It splits up the land in smaller bits
as I lay here and my chest aches.

And this is how we fall apart
with promises and beating hearts.
I laid you down to go to sleep
but you did not even dream of me.

This is the meaning of life itself
to learn, forget and repeat the pattern.
This is why I love you so
with breaking bones and blood all splattered.

And this is why I can't let go
no matter the cutting and breaking of ropes.
My body stays tangled miles above
and the life within stays filled with hope.

This is my breath upon your face
as we slept inside the summer air
This is everything I've given you
to lose a love yet still think it true.