I have residue in my blood of every lover I've ever had,
pulsing through my veins,
making my head swell,
making my legs shake.
You call me Siddhartha
Siddhartha Gautama
I am The Buddha, you say.
Understanding everything is connected.
At total peace, gone to pieces as
my heart pumps blood so hard my legs shake to the beat.
Om above my bed,
every of the seven chakras jumbled because
I have trouble letting go.
More often,
I have trouble holding on.

One, I grip your shoulders and bite my lip.
Two, I hold you close with my mouth open,
breath upon breath.
Three, my head tilts back and I let out a sigh.
Four, I grip your shoulders and bite my lip.
Repetition repetition repetition.
"Don't fall too quickly."
I don't fall at all.
My head tilts back and I let out a sigh.
It is you that I want, I look for you in their eyes.

Sometimes I forget that people feel alive all the time.
When I am swishing the smoke of a black and mild
around my mouth til my tongue gets sore,
making rings with the smoke
that I wish could be circling
around your nose,
people feel alive.
This hollow in my chest is heavier than anything that once filled it.
And so I inhale
and take pleasure in the feeling of being punched in the lungs,
destroying the breath that was once used to say "I love you."
And I take pleasure in destroying my body
by the boy who is fully convinced he loves me because
I told him how my father hit me and how I always feel numb.
I take pleasure in destroying my mind
by sleeping all day and smoking all night,
because this is the only thing that allows me
to take pleasure in destruction.
I take pleasure in the thought
of building myself
all back up
for you.

There is nothing
left in my lungs
lingering on taste buds at the tip of my tongue  
underneath fingernails, toenails alike
caught between follicles skin cells or pores
nothing that’s hidden
not anymore
no fragments of letters or commas or ink
no residue, evidence that I could once think.
From the backs of my knees right up to my chest
there is nothing
no evidence
not a single bit left