i got drunk out of my mind and i remember feeling dizzy and nauseous and then i broke into tears and i knew it was because i was thinking of you and i just couldn’t stop crying for two hours straight and i kept on asking for you because all i wanted was to hear your voice, i wanted to call you and hear you tell me that you cared and that i meant something to you.
i got drunk out of my mind and no one around me understood why i just suddenly started sobbing like a child and even i don’t understand all of it but i guess you just control so much of me that even when i couldn’t think straight you were the only thing i could think of. everything around me felt surreal and blurry and you were the only thing i was sure of.

we ruined each other
we broke each other
and we each handled it differently

you found shelter in the arms of someone else
i held myself with nothing but alcohol and my own two hands
i couldn’t bring myself to touch anyone else
because it felt like betrayal

you found comfort in the arms of someone else only 90 days later
i kissed a boy no less than 13 months after i’d kissed you
i couldn’t bring myself to touch anyone else
because it felt like betrayal

that summer, when i kissed him, i had to stop for a second
to rid myself of the guilt i knew was creeping up on me
knowing i was letting him touch me in places you’d never seen before

i felt guilty
can you ******* believe it
i felt guilty that i was letting someone else touch me

after you ruined me yet again,
i kissed that same boy and i did not hesitate a second
he tasted like cigarettes and alcohol and i’d learned to love it
because it was nothing close to the way you tasted

we ruined each other
but i learned to live with myself, to deal with the person looking back in the mirror
while you are stuck holding on to someone else because you are terrified of your own reflection

you don’t tell me you love me but you make me feel like you do
you make me feel like the entire world, like there is nothing you want the way you want me
like your life doesn’t make sense without me
you make me feel like i’m the only one you’ve ever wanted, that every girl in between was just a distraction
but if you wanted to be with me, you would be

you don’t tell me you love me, you say everything but
you whisper sweet nothings in my ear and leave lingering kisses a little too close to my mouth
you make me lose control and like it
you make me lose control, if only for a moment,

you make me settle for less than all of you
because i can’t have you the way that i want
and so i take what i can get
because i’m tired of not having you at all.

you don’t tell me you love me but you make me feel like you do

so tell me you love me, if you really do, and walk away if you don’t
stop telling me ***** midnight secrets over the phone and a bottle of whiskey
unless you’d still mean them stone cold sober the next day
so stay in or out of life
because i deserve more than someone who is only in love with the idea of me
i deserve more than someone who only begs for parts of my body instead of fighting for all of me
love me like you mean it or don’t love me at all

i never believed the whole “the devil was once god’s favorite” idea, or that the villain in reality doesn’t come dressed in a cape, he comes as everything you could ever want.
i always just assumed you could tell the bad people from the good.
i always thought i could read people well enough, to know who deserved the benefit of the doubt, or who just didn’t deserve the time of day.
i couldn’t have been more wrong.
we were kids and he was good and innocent and sweet and i don’t know how much of that was real, if any of it.
but things got messy, and hard and i thought it was just that. messy and hard. and to a certain extent, maybe it was.
but he made a choice, he made the choice to be with someone else. he made the choice to do that but still not let go of me.
and i thought it was just history and memories, keeping him attached.
but it was lust and greed and selfishness. it was ego and pride.
he loved knowing i still cared, i still had feelings for him, i hadn’t been with anyone else.
he loved knowing he was the only boy in my life, he loved knowing he’d defined my experiences.
he loved knowing he was the reason i made certain decisions, or had certain habits.
he loved knowing he had some sort of power over me.
it was lust and greed and selfishness. it was ego and pride.
he made the choice to be with someone else, and once he watched me learn to live without him,
he made his way back and did just enough to get me hooked again
he knew what made me tick, he knew what i was addicted to and he used every single one of my weaknesses against me
everyone around me told me he was toxic but i refused to believe that the boy i’d fallen in love with wasn’t in there somewhere.
i wanted to believe that i could have the fairytale i wanted
i wanted to believe i could be one of the 5 people in every thousand who end up with their high school boyfriend
i knew i was being naive, but i wanted to take a chance anyways.
i wanted to believe we had a real chance at being together, against all odds
i wanted to believe in the whole it’s us against the world idea
i wanted to believe he was the one for me, that we would have to go through hell and high water but that we’d find a way back to each other at some point
i wanted to believe that all this hurt would be worth it in the end
i wanted to believe that the boy who basically saved my life, could be mine forever.
but it was lust and greed and selfishness. it was ego and pride.
he lied to me and to the girl he is supposedly in love with
he played me and he played her. more than once.
and looking back, i feel so stupid for believing him. i feel disgusted at the thought of ever being so unconditionally and pathetically in love with someone like that.
i gave him everything i had and i never got anything in return. he hurt me so many times, and always justified his actions with “i don’t mean to”. he makes himself the victim of his own mistakes, saying he’s so ****** up that he can’t handle consequences. he makes you pity him. he makes you want to console him, instead of it being the other way around. that’s what an abusive relationship is.
i saw it coming the last time, but he said all the right things and i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, i wanted to believe a part of him really did love me, and that he was still a good person at heart. i saw it coming, but it shook me nonetheless.
i never thought he could be someone who would purposefully hurt me.
i never thought he could do something so casually cruel.
because villain doesn’t come dressed in a cape, he comes as everything you could ever want. i never believed it, until now.
your prince charming is an abusive *******.

his opinion does not define you
your worth is not measured by the number of kisses he’s left on your neck or
the number of times he’s asked to see you naked
your worth is not measured by the number of boys whose lips you have tasted
your worth is not measured by the number of times you have been called beautiful or hot
your worth is not measured by the number of relationships you’ve been in
whether these numbers are deemed too high or too low
your worth is measured by you and you alone
you are more than just a person, you are an entire world within human skin and
there is so much out there for you to experience and
you should not
you cannot
let yourself be defined by what a boy thinks of you
you are so much more than what he can fit into the palm of his hand
your purpose is not to please him or entertain him
your purpose is not to satisfy his cravings
your worth is not defined by how well you satiate his hunger
your worth is yours to define
your purpose is yours to find
you are an entire world within human skin
you have the ability to create life,
you have the ability to change the world
you have the ability to be the most successful person on earth
you have the ability to be anything
to do anything
that you set your mind to
his opinion does not define you
your worth is not measured by how fuckable he finds you

the problem with a boy who doesn’t know he’s beautiful
is that he has no idea that he can stop you in your tracks
he has no idea how mind blowing he is
he doesn’t know that he makes your heart skip a beat
he doesn’t know that he is a diamond in the rough
he has no idea that he is a ray of sunshine
he has no idea that the reason you don’t believe his compliments is because you can’t fathom how
someone like him can love someone like
you
he doesn’t know you fall asleep every night thanking god for him
and that you have nightmares where he walks away
he has no idea that when he holds you, you melt in his fingertips
or that his lips taste like handpicked stars
and that his kiss is more intoxicating than *****
he doesn’t know you can taste the charm at the tip of his tongue
he has no idea his smile can make you weak in the knees
and he doesn’t know that his chocolate brown eyes hold the answers to all your questions
the problem with a boy who doesn’t know he’s beautiful
is that if he did, every single one of your nightmares just might come true

seeing me is never easy for you
i make you question everything
everything you think you’re sure of
i’m always there in the back of your mind
you know my habits
you know my mannerisms
you know my features
my voice replays in your head
you’ve memorized my curves
you feel them on your fingertips
you wonder about me
about whose lips mine are crashing into, instead of yours
you think about who i’m drinking with
because we’ve always talked about getting drunk together
you wonder about me
knowing i’m probably wondering about you too
no one knows you like i do
there is no one you are more vulnerable with
i am your comfort zone but also your biggest fear
i am your hell and your high water
i am your calm but also your storm
i am the darkest but also the dawn
i am the tunnel but also the light
i make you feel at peace but i drive you insane  
you and i are a series of contradictions and paradoxes
you and i are an infinite amount of arguments and kisses
our love is simultaneously a masterpiece and a work in progress
we keep trying to draw lines, but we cross them the very next day
we keep trying to shut each other out, but we keep letting each other in

i am tired
i am tired of feeling like your sometimes
i am tired of feeling like the secondhand smoke
you’re inhaling, wishing you weren’t because the air is cleaner somewhere else
i am tired of feeling like an old middle school trophy
something you used to be so happy to have
but now is just there because you can’t be bothered to move it or throw it away
i am tired of feeling like i was not good enough
like i am not good enough
like i’m not pretty, smart, kind, adventurous enough for you
i am tired
i am tired of feeling like the flip side of an exam paper
just when you thought you were done
you have to handle more of it
i am tired of feeling like a chip on your shoulder
the one everyone knows exists
but everyone pretends doesn’t for the sake of convenience
i am tired of feeling like the second beer bottle
the one you don’t really want but drink out of habit
i am tired
i am tired of making homes out of temporary people
i am tired of making homes out of people who don’t
even have the decency to say goodbye
i am tired of making homes out of people
who take my presence for granted
i am tired of feeling cracks in my ribcage
i am tired of feeling like my lungs are punctured
i am tired of feeling like my heart has been on the wrong side of a fistfight

i’ve been told i love you and i’ll always love you
by someone who is making his way out of my life
while i am here trying to rip him out of my heart
but not being able to because he is stuck to every fiber of my being
so when my friends tell me they love me
i tell them i don’t want to hear it
they think i’m joking and say it anyway
i pretend i don’t hear it
because people leave
people
always
leave
i have so much love in my heart for the boy who broke it
how twisted is that
but i have even more love for those who’ve helped me
put it back together
if i could,
i’d tell my friends i love them twice in every minute
the first time so they know
the second so they don’t forget
but you can’t do that
so instead
i call them idiots and number them off
i can’t call them cute names
because the last boy i called baby
doesn’t respond anymore.
i say
text me when you get home
i hope you’re doing okay
i say
i saw this and i thought of you
i’m eating at your favorite restaurant and i miss you
i say
i know you kicked *** on that test
and even if you didn’t it doesn’t matter,
you are more than your grades
i bring them coffee
i bring them cookies
i bring them gifts when i travel
i send them letters
i send them birthday gifts and birthday wishes
i write long texts because i’m too far to reach them
so i hope my words touch you because my hands can’t
i have so much love in my heart for the boy who broke it
how twisted is that
but i have even more love for those who’ve helped me
put it back together
so i find a million ways to say i love you
one from every piece of me.

sometimes i feel helpless because all i have is a necklace, four year old letters and a few text messages.
i have no proof we were real.
we don't have pictures together, our love doesn't seem tangible. like it was a figment of my imagination.
i feel like a child insisting santa is real.
i have no proof we were real.
it’s like i’m hallucinating and making up our love story in my head
the you i see is not the you everyone else sees. because i know you in ways others don’t
i know you don’t lie to me
i know you’re honest with me
because you don’t know how to be honest with yourself or anyone else
i know how hard it is for you to find people you trust
that’s why you can’t let go of me
i know all of this, no one else does.
i feel like a child insisting santa is real.
everyone insists that you are horrible,
you played me,
you hurt me,
you don’t really care,
you didn’t really mean what you said
that i deserve more
i feel like a child insisting santa is real.
because i have no proof that the you i know really exists.
i have no proof that a part of you is attached to me
because you never show me, you only tell me
because actions speak louder than words
because i am screaming about you and you are
only whispering about me
i feel like a child insisting santa is real
because i love you when i’m in the middle of an exam
i love you in the middle of my work out
i love you when i’m tipsy at 5pm
and when i’m drunk at 6am
i love you when i’m sober as hell
i love you no matter what
but you don’t know how to love me,
not really
you don’t know how to let yourself love me
you only love me when the lights are off,
when the curtain’s drawn
you can’t love me to my face
because i scare you to death
you can’t love me in front of a mirror
because your reflection terrifies you
you don’t know how to love me
you are afraid to love me
so you pretend you don’t
and no one believes me when i say you do
i feel like a child insisting santa is real
i cannot keep letting you walk in and out of my life
it’s like i’m 8 and i’m finally being told
that leaving cookies and milk out was for nothing
that santa isn’t real
i realize that
i cannot keep letting you walk in and out of my life,
and that santa doesn’t sneak into my apartment on christmas eve
but i still keep my door unlocked for you.
like a child insisting santa is real

you saved my life, in the very literal sense.
so i foolishly thought i could trust you with it.
stupid me.
you completed my life, in the very literal sense.
so i foolishly thought i could trust you with it.
stupid me.
i put my life in your hands and you let it slip between your fingertips
you let it slip between your fingertips and break into a million pieces
a few years later, i am still picking up the pieces.
every so often you make your way back in and
i tell you everything i’ve been holding in
you say all the right things
and i foolishly believe you.
stupid me.
i let you in again.
stupid me.
the last time, i was paranoid and terrified.
but you say all the right things
and i reluctantly, foolishly believe you.
stupid me,
i shouldn’t have.
and now for the first time in four years,
i blame you.
i am still unlearning blaming myself.
but i recognize it’s your fault.
i recognize that you were someone i could trust,
and that it’s not my fault that you changed.
stupid me.
for thinking it was.
eventually you are going to make your way back in or so some part of me seems to think.
and i will tell you everything i’ve been holding in.
and i will make you earn my trust if you want it.
see if you’ll actually fight for all of me. not beg for parts of my body.

but i know now that denying your existence in the depths of my heart
will do nothing but harm me.
i acknowledge everything that happened between us
and i will be honest and admit that i do still hold you in my heart.
but now that the chapter of my life with you in it is over,
i can only turn over a new page and
move on with my life.
accepting the changes you have made in me.
because hurricanes have nothing on you,
you swallowed me whole and spat me out like i was poison to your lips.
you are still a part of me.
but you are not the only part of me.
i am more than just in love with you.
i am in love with art
and i am in love with the honesty it conveys.
i’m in love with sunsets by the beach,
and watching the autumn leaves change.
i am in love with the cities i’ve been to
and the cities i’ve lived in.
i am passionate about more than just making you happy.
i am passionate about seeing the world
i am passionate about taking care of the one body i was given.
i drink more than just the words that poured out of your mouth,
i used to drink alcohol to forget you and
coffee to make up for the sleep i lost over you.
but now i drink all that and so much more just because i want to.
i no longer want to look good for you, i want to feel beautiful for me.
i am more than just your ex girlfriend,
i am my own person, and
i am a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend.
i am an artist, a writer, a reader.
there is a fire inside me and it would take more than a boy to put it out.
i will become good enough for myself
instead of beating myself up for not being
pretty, smart, funny, adventurous enough for you.
i will do things because they satisfy my soul
and not because they would satisfy yours
i will find a way to be complete without you

i want to call you and yell and scream and let it all out
i want to throw an empty bottle of ***** at your head and hear it hit the wall in a million pieces. i want you to hear the sound of glass shattering so you’ll never forget how much you’ve affected me
i want to cry my eyes out and i want someone to hear me do it
i want you to pay attention to what you’ve done to me
i want you to notice the person i’ve become

but
i want to be calm and collected

i want you to see me dancing with someone else
i want you to see the smile on my face and wonder who put it there
i want you to see me kiss another boy and i want you to feel insanely jealous
i want you to see me in that dress and picture yourself taking it off
i want you to want what you can’t have and feel the insanity of frustration boil inside you

i want you to ache someday like i ache right now

but
i couldn’t bear to see you in pain

i love him despite his imperfections.
i love him despite the mistakes we’ve both made
i love him despite how much we’ve hurt each other
i love him unconditionally because that’s what i promised him
i love him because i know that what we had can’t be replicated
our love wasn’t easy or simple or straightforward
it was insane, and it was an absolute force of nature: destructive at times, but when it was good, **** it was great
we made each other happy
despite the arguments and the fights, we loved each other so much it hurt.
we were a couple of children but god it was magical
i love him because he said a part of him would always love me
i love him because he said that if it weren’t for anyone else, we’d still have a chance
i love him because i believe in what we had

i kissed a pretty boy whose mouth reeked of cigarettes. i hate cigarettes.
i kissed a pretty boy whose tongue tasted like alcohol. so did mine probably.
i kissed a pretty boy who doesn’t really care about my feelings. it’s not like i give a **** about his.
i kissed a pretty boy. because he was there and you weren’t.
here’s the thing. we were kissing and he bit my neck and my lip and his hands were all over my body and at some point, i almost felt guilty that i was letting someone touch me who wasn’t you. but then i remembered that somewhere else you were thinking of her and touching her and not feeling guilty about it.
so i stopped caring, drank some more and kissed the pretty boy. because his lips left my skin burning. because he was there and you weren’t.

everything.
i genuinely love everything about you,
i love your gorgeous hair,
your chocolate brown eyes i always get lost into,
your ***** dropping smile,
your terribly kissable lips,
your wonderful body,
your hands on my hips,
everything.
i love your laugh, it chases away every single one of my bad dreams.
i love the way you scrunch your nose sometimes when you make jokes.
i love that you tell ***** jokes because you know i love them.
i love the way you say my name.
i love your subtle and sweet compliments.
i love that you’ll keep insisting i’m beautiful when i say i don’t believe you
i love your honesty,
i love that i can talk to you about anything.
i love that you cry when you see me sad even though it breaks my heart.
i love that you tried to keep me alive
i love that you saved my life
and i love that you did it like it was second nature.
i love the way you care about me.
i love the way you give a shy smirk before telling me you love me.
i love the way you say it like you're exhaling it like it’s ingrained in your breath.

he’s sensitive. god he’s so sensitive. don’t push jokes too far, he’ll get offended.
he’s thoughtful, he’ll remember every important day and everything you’ve ever said.
he’s dedicated, he’ll do everything to make your relationship work.
that includes staying up late to talk to you,
but giving you space when you need it.
he’ll do everything and anything to keep a smile on your face.
he’ll write letters when he can’t find the right words to say at the right time.
he’ll hold you when you cry and he won’t let go, ever.
he’ll tell you everything you want to hear and he’ll compliment you to no end,
especially when you don’t believe him.
he’ll give you a long romantic speech about how much he values you
but he’ll also tell you everything he wants to do to you.
he looks like a god without a shirt on, and his lips taste like handpicked stars
he’ll make you his priority, don’t take him for granted.
he loves being reminded you care, even if it’s a random ‘i love you’ in the middle of the day.
don’t use his past against him, he’s trying to move on.
he loves being given a window into your soul, open up to him.
he’s terrified of failure, remind him that he’s good enough.
watch him play football. he'll show off for you and his *** looks chiseled by the gods in those shorts.
he loves you for your personality, but he’ll appreciate seeing what’s underneath every once a while
he’ll get jealous, reassure him he’s the only one you want.
he loves it when you wear lace underwear and his favorite color on you will be navy blue.
he’ll want to show you off, let him.
he’s going to try and make every moment perfect, let him
love him unconditionally, he’s not perfect, but he deserves it.
he’ll treat you like the whole world, return the favor.

i’d never thought about it. the word wonderful. it literally means full of wonder. and i’ve called you wonderful plenty of times. and i mean it. you leave me in awe, always. you are kind and sweet and caring and you have a heart of gold. you are full of life and energy and your smile lights up every room you walk into. you’ve known insult and injury and you’ve become indifferent to whispers because of it. you’ve known loss and pain and you are so strong, so humble because of it. you’ve known unconditional love and unrequited love and you fight for what you want because of it. you treat the ones you love with delicacy that makes any girl swoon. you treat the girl in your life like the princess you see her as. you’re wonderful in the way you walk, talk, the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you kiss. you’re wonderful in the way you show you care. you are a diamond in the rough, the most precious gem i have ever been fortunate enough to encounter, you are the world’s 8th wonder. you are my world’s first wonder. you are, in every sense of the term, wonderful.

holy ****,the thought of you, with her, makes me sick to the stomach. she’s beautiful and so sweet. and i’m sure she’s everything i’m not. and god, i hope she makes you happy. i hope she knows how lucky she is. i hope she looks into those chocolate brown eyes of yours and gets lost in the beauty of who you are. i hope she kisses you and tastes the charm at the tip of your tongue. i hope she doesn’t make the same mistakes i made. i hope she knows how to love you the way you deserve to be loved. i hope she thanks her lucky stars every night that she has you.

they’ll ask me ‘what happened’
i’ll think of
every minute you spent looking into my eyes
i’ll think of our fingers intertwined
every lingering hug.
and your hand on the small of my back
i’ll taste your lips on the tip of my tongue
and i’ll think of every time you made me laugh until my stomach hurt and
every time you whispered ‘i love you’ like it was second nature and
and it’ll all wash over me
but i’ll still just answer
‘it didn’t work out’
even though i don’t have the faintest recollection as to why it didn’t,
because it could’ve and it should’ve.
but it didn’t.

you will fall in love so many times.
or at least that’s what i’ve been told.
and i believe it.
you will fall in love so many times. at age 8, or age 18 and even at age 30.
and a few in between.
but one day, be it at age 12 or 20, you will fall in love with someone who’ll make your heart stop and your world spin and who will make you feel like the sun is shining even on a rainy day. someone who’ll stay up all night just to talk to you and who’ll lose sleep just thinking about your smile. someone who will call you beautiful and mean it. someone who will come up from behind you and grab you by the waist and remind you they love you. someone who will send you a good night text even if you haven’t spoken all day. someone who will write you letters telling you all the things they love about you. someone who’ll write you letters full of everything they can’t say out loud.
and then it’s going to end and it’ll destroy you and you are forever going to hold other guys up to that standard even if you know it’s unreasonable.
you are forever going to hold this person in your heart.
and sometimes you’re going to fall back in love with them,
sometimes they’ll love you back,
but other times, you’ll be falling on your own.
and you’ll reread those love letters looking for the character trait they didn’t mention they loved

i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i didn’t fight for you.i’m sorry i didn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved, i’m sorry i didn’t care for you the way i should’ve, i’m sorry i was probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. i’m sorry things happened this way, i’m sorry i still love you. i’m sorry i got your girlfriend upset. i’m sorry you had to hide our two day friendship from her. i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to keep. i’m sorry i wasn’t worth fighting for. i’m sorry i live too far away. i’m sorry i wasn’t pretty enough. i’m sorry i wasn’t smart enough. i’m sorry i wasn’t funny, sweet, adventurous enough. i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to keep. i’m sorry i wasn’t worth fighting for. i’m sorry i’m not her. i’m sorry i stopped kissing you that day. i’m sorry i freaked out. i’m sorry i didn’t kiss you 3 years ago. i’m sorry i wasn’t a better girlfriend. i’m sorry i wasn’t a better friend. i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to keep. i’m sorry i wasn’t worth fighting for.
i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry

and just like that  
we’re back where we started
you have this uncontrollable power over me
and you manage to tear me apart without even trying
you cause the kind of scars band aids can’t fix
you cause the kind of pain aspirin can’t numb

and just like that
we’re back where we started
i’m left here hurting like hell
i’m left here with an ache in my chest
because of something you said

and just like that
we’re back where we started
you’re probably not even thinking of me
because you didn’t even think twice
when you spoke those words to me

and just like that
we’re back where we started
you put me out like i was
your five minute cigarette break
you lit me up for the slightest instant

and just like that
we’re back where we started
you have this uncontrollable power over me

if i ever get so incredibly lucky
as to have another chance with you
i would never let you go
and i’d constantly remind you of how much i love you
and i’d kiss you till my lips burn
and i’d leave red lipstick stains all over your body to remind you that
you’re mine,
you always have been,
always will be.
if i ever get so incredibly lucky
as to have another chance with you
i’d photograph you because that’s what i do
and you’ll become my art
even though you already are
a masterpiece all on your own.
if i ever get so incredibly lucky
as to have another chance with you
i’d show you everything ive ever written about you,
starting with my first diary entry about you from june 2011
to what i’m writing right now,
i’d show you all i’ve written about you so that you know that any given moment
in the past 4 years you were a part of me.

sometimes i think of him for a while
then i become consumed with the thought of him
the thought of his hands around my waist
his lips crashing into mine
overwhelms my mind
and i become consumed with the thought of everything
we’ve been through
and i ache.
i ache at the voids in my body he used to fill,
i ache at the pain in me he used to numb,
i ache at the missing parts of me
that will forever belong to him.

i don’t want to live without you.
it sounds pathetic
but i really don’t
i don’t want to live with
the emptiness of my world without you
i don’t want to live with
this hollow space in my ribcage
where your hands used to hold me
and your love used to fill me.

i’m happier now
but some nights are harder

at the last party
we all took a shot
we danced and had fun
but as i felt the tequila burn my throat
i wished i could always feel my pain
like this
because i’d rather it burn
than rip me to shreds
because i’d rather it burn
than tear me apart

and if you think tequila burns you should try living in the dark
if you think tequila burns you should try wanting someone

if you think
tequila burns
you should think
of the last time someone held you

if you think tequila burns
try thinking of every beautiful moment you’ve ever had
relive it in your head
go through the motions
and go take another shot

i mean
we can talk about
the weather or
summer plans
we can talk about
our families and
our schools
but
i would much rather talk about
life and death
and everything in between
i want to
spill out all my secrets to you
and i want to
know my way around your mind
i want to
tell you how i feel about things
and i want to
hear what you have to say about the world
i want to
hear you rant about your friends
and i want to
tell you what i do at 3am
i want to
reach the deepest parts of you
and i want you to
break down every wall i’ve ever built around my heart
i want to find intimacy
without it putting me
in a constant state of anxiety and discomfort
and i want to
find it with you

don’t get attached
because
if you think boiling water hurts  
and if you think fire burns
than you’ve never grown attached
to someone
who’s ended up whispering goodbye in your ear
without giving it a second thought
i promise you
it is going to burn more than a third degree
it will go deeper than your skin
and your bones
and you will lose track
of where it spreads in your body
and long after you’re gone
someone will find the flicker of a flame
in the midst of your ashes
and wonder
what could have possibly been
powerful enough
to ignite a fire
so long lasting

i put pen to paper
and the ink started flowing
like your name rolling off my tongue
and i began writing about you
and i wished she could talk about
the way your lips feel against mine
with the taste of alcohol and candy
but instead
i can only talk about
your big brown eyes.
the kind of eyes you could get lost into.
and i guess i did

we talked about addiction in my psychology class
and my teacher said
that you can't compare getting over love
to getting over an addiction
because you don't go through withdrawal the same way,
because you don't get cold sweats and nausea
that may be true
but i don't think he realized
that losing someone
can drive you insane and
sometimes you're left like a crumpled paper on the floor and
you can never be smooth again and
it leaves a permanent mark and
you're just so utterly alone and
so incredibly hurt and
sometimes,
even a few years later, it could be tuesday morning and the smell of your coffee brewing reminds you of saturday mornings in bed with him and
you miss him so much your hands start to shake.

i wish i could write something that touches the deepest parts of people
the way you touch the deepest parts of me.
but i will never make anyone feel the way you make me feel.
because you don’t just touch me, you wreck me.
and you fill in every blank and every crack in my heart
and when you leave
the space that remains is twice as big as it used to be
i wish i could affect someone the way you stir every emotion
and every thought in me
and i wish i was capable of forming an adequate sentence describing what you do to me
but i can’t
because i am merely a flower
and i do not know enough words to describe a garden

i’m sorry
that he did this to you,
that it happened this way,
that he made you feel like the entire world,
that he bailed on you.
i’m sorry.
but there’s nothing you and i or anyone really, can do that’ll change what happened.
you have to come to terms with the fact that it did
that things will change
that it will hurt,
but also,
that you will be okay.
you will make it through
every monday morning waking up to coffee alone,
you will make it through
every tuesday night crying yourself to sleep,
you will make it through
every thursday sunset and every friday sunrise
you will make it through
every weekend and every week day,
without him.
you were born alone, and you will be able to live alone.
you are a stronger being than what his actions have made you believe,
your vulnerability is but temporary
the way you feel at this moment is not the way you will feel in a few months.
you are not the person you were in the fall,
and as the summer approaches,
you will no longer be the person you are now.
you are your own
you are not the person he’s made you to be,
his words will no longer strike a chord,
his eyes will no longer pierce your soul,
his laugh will no longer echo in your mind.
the cells in your skin will regenerate
and you will have a body that he hasn’t even touched
and it will be yours to keep and cherish
and with time and patience
you will be the wonderfully joyous person you were made out to be.
i’m sorry
that he did this to you,
that it happened this way,
that he made you feel like the entire world,
that he bailed on you.
i’m sorry.
but you are yours before you are anyone else’s