i got drunk out of my mind and i remember feeling dizzy and nauseous and then i broke into tears and i knew it was because i was thinking of you and i just couldn’t stop crying for two hours straight and i kept on asking for you because all i wanted was to hear your voice, i wanted to call you and hear you tell me that you cared and that i meant something to you.
i got drunk out of my mind and no one around me understood why i just suddenly started sobbing like a child and even i don’t understand all of it but i guess you just control so much of me that even when i couldn’t think straight you were the only thing i could think of. everything around me felt surreal and blurry and you were the only thing i was sure of.

we ruined each other
we broke each other
and we each handled it differently

you found shelter in the arms of someone else
i held myself with nothing but alcohol and my own two hands
i couldn’t bring myself to touch anyone else
because it felt like betrayal

you found comfort in the arms of someone else only 90 days later
i kissed a boy no less than 13 months after i’d kissed you
i couldn’t bring myself to touch anyone else
because it felt like betrayal

that summer, when i kissed him, i had to stop for a second
to rid myself of the guilt i knew was creeping up on me
knowing i was letting him touch me in places you’d never seen before

i felt guilty
can you ******* believe it
i felt guilty that i was letting someone else touch me

after you ruined me yet again,
i kissed that same boy and i did not hesitate a second
he tasted like cigarettes and alcohol and i’d learned to love it
because it was nothing close to the way you tasted

we ruined each other
but i learned to live with myself, to deal with the person looking back in the mirror
while you are stuck holding on to someone else because you are terrified of your own reflection

you don’t tell me you love me but you make me feel like you do
you make me feel like the entire world, like there is nothing you want the way you want me
like your life doesn’t make sense without me
you make me feel like i’m the only one you’ve ever wanted, that every girl in between was just a distraction
but if you wanted to be with me, you would be

you don’t tell me you love me, you say everything but
you whisper sweet nothings in my ear and leave lingering kisses a little too close to my mouth
you make me lose control and like it
you make me lose control, if only for a moment,

you make me settle for less than all of you
because i can’t have you the way that i want
and so i take what i can get
because i’m tired of not having you at all.

you don’t tell me you love me but you make me feel like you do

so tell me you love me, if you really do, and walk away if you don’t
stop telling me ***** midnight secrets over the phone and a bottle of whiskey
unless you’d still mean them stone cold sober the next day
so stay in or out of life
because i deserve more than someone who is only in love with the idea of me
i deserve more than someone who only begs for parts of my body instead of fighting for all of me
love me like you mean it or don’t love me at all

i never believed the whole “the devil was once god’s favorite” idea, or that the villain in reality doesn’t come dressed in a cape, he comes as everything you could ever want.
i always just assumed you could tell the bad people from the good.
i always thought i could read people well enough, to know who deserved the benefit of the doubt, or who just didn’t deserve the time of day.
i couldn’t have been more wrong.
we were kids and he was good and innocent and sweet and i don’t know how much of that was real, if any of it.
but things got messy, and hard and i thought it was just that. messy and hard. and to a certain extent, maybe it was.
but he made a choice, he made the choice to be with someone else. he made the choice to do that but still not let go of me.
and i thought it was just history and memories, keeping him attached.
but it was lust and greed and selfishness. it was ego and pride.
he loved knowing i still cared, i still had feelings for him, i hadn’t been with anyone else.
he loved knowing he was the only boy in my life, he loved knowing he’d defined my experiences.
he loved knowing he was the reason i made certain decisions, or had certain habits.
he loved knowing he had some sort of power over me.
it was lust and greed and selfishness. it was ego and pride.
he made the choice to be with someone else, and once he watched me learn to live without him,
he made his way back and did just enough to get me hooked again
he knew what made me tick, he knew what i was addicted to and he used every single one of my weaknesses against me
everyone around me told me he was toxic but i refused to believe that the boy i’d fallen in love with wasn’t in there somewhere.
i wanted to believe that i could have the fairytale i wanted
i wanted to believe i could be one of the 5 people in every thousand who end up with their high school boyfriend
i knew i was being naive, but i wanted to take a chance anyways.
i wanted to believe we had a real chance at being together, against all odds
i wanted to believe in the whole it’s us against the world idea
i wanted to believe he was the one for me, that we would have to go through hell and high water but that we’d find a way back to each other at some point
i wanted to believe that all this hurt would be worth it in the end
i wanted to believe that the boy who basically saved my life, could be mine forever.
but it was lust and greed and selfishness. it was ego and pride.
he lied to me and to the girl he is supposedly in love with
he played me and he played her. more than once.
and looking back, i feel so stupid for believing him. i feel disgusted at the thought of ever being so unconditionally and pathetically in love with someone like that.
i gave him everything i had and i never got anything in return. he hurt me so many times, and always justified his actions with “i don’t mean to”. he makes himself the victim of his own mistakes, saying he’s so ****** up that he can’t handle consequences. he makes you pity him. he makes you want to console him, instead of it being the other way around. that’s what an abusive relationship is.
i saw it coming the last time, but he said all the right things and i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, i wanted to believe a part of him really did love me, and that he was still a good person at heart. i saw it coming, but it shook me nonetheless.
i never thought he could be someone who would purposefully hurt me.
i never thought he could do something so casually cruel.
because villain doesn’t come dressed in a cape, he comes as everything you could ever want. i never believed it, until now.
your prince charming is an abusive *******.

his opinion does not define you
your worth is not measured by the number of kisses he’s left on your neck or
the number of times he’s asked to see you naked
your worth is not measured by the number of boys whose lips you have tasted
your worth is not measured by the number of times you have been called beautiful or hot
your worth is not measured by the number of relationships you’ve been in
whether these numbers are deemed too high or too low
your worth is measured by you and you alone
you are more than just a person, you are an entire world within human skin and
there is so much out there for you to experience and
you should not
you cannot
let yourself be defined by what a boy thinks of you
you are so much more than what he can fit into the palm of his hand
your purpose is not to please him or entertain him
your purpose is not to satisfy his cravings
your worth is not defined by how well you satiate his hunger
your worth is yours to define
your purpose is yours to find
you are an entire world within human skin
you have the ability to create life,
you have the ability to change the world
you have the ability to be the most successful person on earth
you have the ability to be anything
to do anything
that you set your mind to
his opinion does not define you
your worth is not measured by how fuckable he finds you

the problem with a boy who doesn’t know he’s beautiful
is that he has no idea that he can stop you in your tracks
he has no idea how mind blowing he is
he doesn’t know that he makes your heart skip a beat
he doesn’t know that he is a diamond in the rough
he has no idea that he is a ray of sunshine
he has no idea that the reason you don’t believe his compliments is because you can’t fathom how
someone like him can love someone like
you
he doesn’t know you fall asleep every night thanking god for him
and that you have nightmares where he walks away
he has no idea that when he holds you, you melt in his fingertips
or that his lips taste like handpicked stars
and that his kiss is more intoxicating than *****
he doesn’t know you can taste the charm at the tip of his tongue
he has no idea his smile can make you weak in the knees
and he doesn’t know that his chocolate brown eyes hold the answers to all your questions
the problem with a boy who doesn’t know he’s beautiful
is that if he did, every single one of your nightmares just might come true

seeing me is never easy for you
i make you question everything
everything you think you’re sure of
i’m always there in the back of your mind
you know my habits
you know my mannerisms
you know my features
my voice replays in your head
you’ve memorized my curves
you feel them on your fingertips
you wonder about me
about whose lips mine are crashing into, instead of yours
you think about who i’m drinking with
because we’ve always talked about getting drunk together
you wonder about me
knowing i’m probably wondering about you too
no one knows you like i do
there is no one you are more vulnerable with
i am your comfort zone but also your biggest fear
i am your hell and your high water
i am your calm but also your storm
i am the darkest but also the dawn
i am the tunnel but also the light
i make you feel at peace but i drive you insane  
you and i are a series of contradictions and paradoxes
you and i are an infinite amount of arguments and kisses
our love is simultaneously a masterpiece and a work in progress
we keep trying to draw lines, but we cross them the very next day
we keep trying to shut each other out, but we keep letting each other in