It is just ***.

Mind blowing, face numbing, intimate, electric, (just) ***.
The initial love bombing has been slowly replaced by 2am 'u awake?' messages. The every-other-day phone calls are replaced by no-contact, unless you're *****.

And I came to realise that for you, it's just ***.

But the way you flirt with the coffee girl, the way you look past me when we're around anyone else, the way you treat me like a one-off fling instead of something special like you did at the start, is starting to hurt.

So I need to keep reminding myself, that it's just ***.

Keep reminding myself not to get attached to this emotionally immature man. This man who 'doesn't do commitment'. This man who flirts with every pretty woman he sees. This man who can't keep his **** in his pants for anyone.

It's just ***.

You fed me the dream on a golden spoon
Empty promises of a future, of love unknown to me
Began basing my worth on your touch and the words you spoke
Sprinkling fake love on me like tacky confetti
Getting it stuck in my hair, my clothes, my heart
Until I can’t clean it off
It still clings to my skin and I scratch myself raw
Blood dripping down my legs as I try to tell myself I was delusional
That the words that fell off your tongue weren’t that deep
But it’s not fair
That you made me feel hopefully and wanted and cherished
And then disappeared when I needed you the most
Not to hear from you for weeks until it was convenient for you
The hour long conversations turned to passing comments
The gentle affection turning to meaningless *** in the back room
I turn from your muse to your toy
Because you know you’ve got me hooked and I can’t walk away from you
And I hate it
This love bomb you dropped on me without sticking around to clean up your destruction has destroyed me again
And I’m left to pick up the pieces of my heart and stick them together again haphazardly
So that maybe
Maybe
One day
I will believe someone’s promises again

These thighs will not part like the Red Sea for a man who thinks he is a god.

These thighs, this stomach is too large, too soft for men to appreciate
That they are my body.

They are what keeps me alive.
My thighs carry me.
They carry this precious body where it must go.

My stomach nourishes me,
Keeps me full and sustained.

I have stopped making everything about me an apology.
This body is mine,
It is me.

Although it often feels fuckable and but not loveable,
I have now stopped longing for boys who only loved my skinny and started longing for better.
This body was not made for a man.

It was made to support my through my success, comfort me when I cry, hold me when I am weak.

I am still learning to love my body, but I no longer accept unsolicited comments on how I am ‘soft’, and ‘cuddly’.

I am getting there.

I hang the flowers he bought me from the stems when the petals turn brown.

They slowly lose their colour and shrink in size, collapsing onto themselves.

The slightest touch could turn the petals to dust.

Maybe I am a dried flower,
Fragile,
Dull,
An unremarkable memory,
Purely kept for decoration and nothing more.

Kind eyes,
Gentle hands.
A smile that could melt the ice caps,
A voice that could calm a storm.

He is my happy place.  

I am not worthy of his generosity, his affection.
I am always three steps behind him, but he lifts me up and makes me feel whole again.

He is everything I have ever dreamed of, that fairytale love you wish for.
I want to linger on his pages a little longer.

Fire lives in his kiss, and he smoulders on my lips long after he has touched them.

Loving him is the most natural feeling I’ve ever had.
In his arms I blossom, and together we are wildflowers drenched in sun.

He is the type of man love songs are written about.
His purity is too good for this world, too good for me, yet I am blessed to have him as my person.
The one I will love forever and grow old with, the one I will watch the seasons change with.

He is my one,
The only one I will ever want.

I don’t understand my brain.

I have grown up with so much love in my life, I have been taught to be strong, independent, confident.
Yet I am always hunting for validation.

I place my self worth within other people and how I can make them feel, what I can do for them.

I know in my heart that I don’t need a man - I don’t need anyone to be happy.

But my heart just desires affection and intimacy and I cannot stop it.

I can feel it happening - I start overthinking their reply times, overanalysing change of tone. Wondering if they’re thinking of me - or another beautiful girl.

I just crave love and warmth, and I hate it when I hurt myself by setting my expectations to high. I break my own heart over and over again, because of someone who just doesn’t like me that much (and has no real reason to either).
I get so attached so quickly and it stings,
Burns my brain and dissolves my heart like battery acid.

I need to learn to give myself validation - I do know my worth and I love myself.
But somewhere deep in my subconscious I am screaming for someone to love me.

Maybe I just want someone to make me as happy as I make them?
Or maybe I just know what I deserve and it hurts to be treated as less.

I want to be a priority.
I want to be a best friend.
I want to be a confidant.
I want to be a lover.
I want to be a muse.
I want to be somebodies happiness, somebodies sunrise and sunset.

A,
It is so hard to explain how much I really do love you.
You will forever by my soulmate, my best friend, my confidant, my partner in crime.
You are an absolute blessing, and have made my life so much brighter every single day.
I am so proud of everything you have done, do, and will do in the future.
You are living your dream and I am so happy to see that, and to be able to call you my sister.

But I hope that in the future, you will find someone that loves you as much as I do and nothing less.
Someone that loves you unconditionally,
Who supports everything you do,
And makes your life better.

I want you to find a love that makes your soul say ‘oh, there you are. I’ve been waiting for you’.
I want you to find a love that reminds you what butterflies feel like, that that reminds you that you can be homesick for people too.
Like a friendship on fire.

Someone who is 100% for you, always.

You are not an option, you are not a second choice.
You are the best anyone could ever have, and they only deserve that if they love you as brightly as the sun burns, as gently as the ocean kisses the shore, and strong as the mountains stand.

You deserve everything good in this world, and you should never settle for less.

I know that you know your worth, but let me remind you. You are an absolute catch.

You are beautiful. You are kind, generous, exciting, adventurous, funny, fun, empathetic, strong.
You love so deeply and care so much.
Your spirit is so fully and pure.

Any man would be so lucky, so ******* honoured you call you his.
You are the one for someone, and it hurts to see you go through so much heartbreak to find them.
But eventually you will, and it will be the greatest love the galaxies have ever seen.

The love that is meant to be will not pass you by, and what will be, will be.

You have everything this universe has to offer, and until you find someone worthy of your soul I will be here, steadfast, to love you.

-L