I used to believe in innocence until I lost it.
Life isn't lonely but I am alone.
I used to be in love and full of love until I cut my chest open and watched butterflies come out then turn to rust.
They say if you're burned at stake, you're a witch, but what are you supposed to do when the nonbelievers finally believe and untie the knots from your stomach but you're still burning alive on the inside?
These thoughts run deep into my brain and down my spine and I'm thinking that maybe if I pull all the content out
and throw it into the lake where all my dead friends are staying afloat, it'll sink to the bottom where my hollow body is stagnant and put out the flame.
How am I supposed to sing the words of life to your songs when I don't even know my own? How selfish.
I am trying to be the bigger man but I am burning to the ground and my time is running out.
You said "there's no such thing as dying from a broken heart."
Well the next day I proved you wrong when I turned that graveyard into a garden.
It's easier said than done when you're not the one screaming into empty jars so your voice is muffled.
At least that's what it feels like.

I've traded in hearts for habits
for using those who let me in
And allow me to wipe my feet on their fresh wounded hearts like welcoming mats that collect dirt in old broken homes
Who welcome me to build my house into a home
Made out of sticks rather than stone because let's face it
I've never been good at being home
And like lines in white drugs
I've grown habits to use them like I use you
Like we use each other
And I like the way that it makes me feel
I like the way that you make me feel
I like
the way
it feels
So I stay where I am
As you undress my clothes
Undress my childhood memories
Undress my parents vacant home
Promises we've kept to ourselves
That we'd never speak of love and only stick to the things we know best
Things we always wanted to accomplish
Whispering at night while the walls sweat with secrets meant sleeping all day and making daylight our rehab
With love, comes fear
So I ran with a heart that dried up and buried it in foreign soil
And maybe once spring comes again it'll grow like we once did and my heart will be sober again
My addictions have become acquainted with my daily routines because lately it seems like this never ending road is a path straight to hell
But maybe I don't want to leave
Maybe I'm too comfortable where I am
And while we're being honest, if we're being honest at all
I dont remember what it's like to be my old self anymore

I can tell you all about betrayal
And heartbreak
Just ask about the time I spent alone on your birthday at your headstone
Let's talk about our car rides
And the way you ripped up the map
Then set your destination to the insides of my chest cavity
And how you expected it to be perfectly paved to your veins
Or when you thought
my soul was the key to your north node
I wanna talk about how every time I watch a star die out
It's just a reminder that memories don't last forever
At least ours didn't
Or maybe this is me trying to forget you like you forgot me
Id give anything just to speak with you one last time
And ask you to teach me how easily it was for you to leave someone you once called home

I placed my phone beneath my pillow

Hoping that you’d call 

Just to tell me how you watched the sunrise this morning 

And how you’ve been homesick 

So I can tell you to come home 

And welcome you with open arms 

To let you know

That even if it were five years from now
It’s always been you

I saw you in deep shades of yellow and gold
now I think of suffocating smoke and dead fields of flowers
when I try to remember
your face

I am constantly stuck in a place between awake and sleep
And it makes me wonder
How I ended up here
And when I arrived
I am constantly interrogated by the sound and motion of my thoughts
Mainly where I am questioning why the change of heart
Or lack thereof
And why I was sentenced to confinement when proved innocent
These continuous motions have left me seasick
Ever since you took the map and made me walk the plank
And watched along with your pioneers
As their waves crashed into your brain
When you saw it as a cleansing
And welcomed it
Like you assured with my trust
Between your silence and your actions
The only difference is the volumes
Within your actions
They could crack sidewalks
Keeping afloat on my back
Something not so uncommon
I am straying away from your vessel
Slowly but surely
Where I can be found between your constant state of awake and sleep.

It hasn't stopped raining since the day you left.
Pouring.
I've been waiting for you to walk through that front door.
Home.
And I'd be lying if I said I've compared and mapped your every freckle to the stars in the constellations.
But there just wouldn't be enough time in the world to intake something as so beautiful.
Especially when you sailed away so long ago and left me to buoy with the tiger lilies
Until I finally sank to the bottom.
Drowned.

I am the product of two naked bodies
That no longer intertwine but are now
Only seen as broken vacant homes and empty parking lots.
I grew up in shells as big as mountains and bathed in salt water tears of grief
Hoping that my loose skin would hold tight and dehydrate
And then maybe for once I could put my thoughts aside and sleep at night.
I've been haunted my whole life except when I close my eyes and dream of you and all soft and vibrant things that relate to you.
My body is a broken vessel that I've been piecing together by other broken shipwrecks and tattered rags that I'm still learning how to use.
I'll keep on drowning because you sailed away with my heart and I was never good at swimming from the start.
The machines in my mind are getting tired of the dreams where you and I are on rocks and we intertwine with veins like naked bodies that are only seen as broken vacant homes.

Every morning I'll wake up shaking from the things I lack in life.
So I'll add ***** to my coffee to help forget.
I'll mix my anxiety with more stimulants to help preoccupy my mind.
A million thoughts racing but you make it a million and one.
I don't think about him the way I think about you.
I still remember the way your hands would shake whenever they were placed on my hips and the way you kissed my neck never felt short of feeling unsure.
When the tips of our fingers graze each other, I still remember how hesitant you were to touch a square inch of my flesh.
Your absence left me nervous and that's become my new identity, but even though we've been acquainted before, we became close friends.
Afraid of letting go so we grew together instead.
My hands shake just like yours do and I still add anxiety to my liquid courage and pray that I wake up the next morning hoping to drink my coffee alone and maybe then I can tell you the reason why I am intertwined within his sheets and not yours is because he made me feel like someone wanted me, and that's something you could never do.

For three years we spent walking around the fall leaves talking about our dreams
As if the leaves themselves were crumpled up notes with our dreams scratched on them
You'll never know how hard it's been
Constantly wishing for a 'tomorrow button'
To restart and restitch ourselves at the seams
We have the same holes in our hearts
But maybe I'll finally be able to wash your blood off my hands and keep them clean
And keep ourselves from falling apart
I spent this past summer transferring from trains
Collecting nickels from city sidewalks to keep whatever left of sane I have in me
And for every dollar I should've saved
I could've bought a newfound love
Not for us
But for myself
I spent this past winter learning what "cold" really meant
That no blanket, no heater, no love could ever warm
I insisted on falling in love with glaciers almost my whole life
But eventually I made friends with the sun
And remained enemies with no one but myself
Because I allowed you to feed me lit matches
As you watched my paper insides go up in flames
and now all that's left are the ashes of my memories you claim you no longer know
being swept between the living room rug and couch
where our lips used to perfectly align together
But we both know we can't make homes out of abandoned places
So that's why our love continues to collect dust with our furniture
Somedays it's still summer and the window's open and im falling asleep to the sound of the cars outside your window
But I wake up every morning hoping that you'd call so I can finally ask "in what year does our spring never come?"

I am flame that is burning out.
I am a match that you struck that you refuse to put out.
I am kindling wood dancing like the ghosts of my past in a paper house.
I am
burning
burning
burning
Inhaling the smoke but no way to breathe.
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic
I am to my mind, that there is no quell for.
I left you behind but you always seem to make yourself known within the packs of my empty cigarette cartons.

Because I love you
I'll take interest in the things you're fond of.
Because I love you
I'll cancel my scheduled Tuesday night plans just to see you for an hour.
Because I love you
I'll purchase all the ingredients to make one perfect intoxicated night because you asked me to.
Because I love you
I don't tell you about the things you do that bother me.
Because I love you
I'll strain all my other relationships.
Because I love you
You threw down eggshells and glass and told me to walk, so I did.
Because I love you
I stood still while you raised your hands because you told me you loved me afterwards.
Because I love you
I asked you once, twice, three times, "who is she and why?"
Because I love you
I stayed.
I stayed for the glimpse of hope you gave for every other half sorry you told me.
"You can't leave me, you're not allowed.
Because I love you."
I sunk deep within my thoughts.
"You'll never find anyone better than me.
Because I love you."
Because I love you
I sought for every reason why my denial was justified and stayed within the fine lines of my ignorance because it was bliss.
547 days later it hit me harder than a ton of bricks, that I found comfort in knowing that every seven years all the cells in our body are destroyed, and that one day I will have a body that you will never have touched.

They say a persons eyes can tell a story
that's why I never looked away from yours.
I wish you could read mine
they would tell you about my admiration for you.
they would tell you to pay attention to my words
like the dozens of times where I've said "you deserve to be happy"
I meant you should be happy with me. they would tell you about all the times I've ever written anything about you and how my word
*****
has been
consistent.

I drove past your house the other day
Where you and i
Would lay for hours
On top of the old roof
Where the sunlight would kiss your face
As the sun set itself to sleep every night
Old friends share greetings with beer
And when the alcohol
Starts to course itself through my veins
Like a blend of colors mixing in a river bend
It helps me numb out the memories of us here
To temporarily mend
Some days
I forgot my sadness exists
And it doesn't hurt when you don't call
But sometimes
I get choked up
Over the sound of your voice
When I replay your missed calls
Like the old broken record
We found in your house that one time
The one that I drove past the other day

I took the road most familiar to get back home.
The sky was silent and black and cold but I looked up and saw my reflection staring back at me in the brightest star.
"Who are you?" I tried to get acquainted.
"Well I am the one most forgotten.
You see, everyone knows the moon, Jupiter, and Venus.
But I am only remembered upon request.
I am the light that guides you home when you are lost."
But I found comfort in calling my suitcase home years ago when my paper well burned in flames like red devils dancing  and mama no longer found use in me for her steady high.
I am familiar with the backseat of my car during the coldest of winter nights in between screaming voices and frequent tears of frustration.
I can no longer decipher reality from dreams or nightmares because I am constantly ******* screaming,
Screaming and nothing is coming out except dry heaves between every other gasp for fresh air.
But I can tell you they are loud and they are deafening but only at night when traveling the familiar road because only the brightest star hears it.

I thought about the way you used to say my name and I am tired of your voice.
I am tired of the constant deafening ringing in my ears when I hear them speak of you.
I am tired like old abandoned buildings creeking, waiting to collapse.
I am tired of empty promises
And the endless calls you said
That you wouldn't forget, like how the
Elderly in the old folks home wait by the phone just to hear a second of reassurance that they haven't been forgotten about.
I'm tired of the way you say my name.

The first time I saw you, you walked past me like a crack in the wall. You were as tall as a skyscraper and for a brief moment I felt rocks in my chest when your eyes made a connection with mine and strayed for a minute before you disappeared into the crowd of people. You look both ways before exchanging I love you's and as we hug goodbye I feel you scanning the empty room with your eyes as if the walls themselves had eyes and ears and mouths that could give you away. Curled up on your lap with mismatching breaths you wondered how someone who looked like they carried mountains could crumble so easily into your arms like the tornado in my mind finally came down and crashed and burned. Rubbing the tips of my fingers down your arm like reading Braille carved into your skin binding them together forming the perfect metaphor and you'll hear it playback with thoughts in your head at 4am when your head runs wild with thoughts of me. I set fire to your insides with hushed breaths between kisses planted perfectly on your lips and make you wonder how dangerous it is to play with fire when your whole body is made out of paper. You'll stare god right in the eyes and tell him if loving me was a sin then you want no place of heaven with him because of the way my lips fit perfectly on your neck is a type of paradise you'll never want to forget.

Between the blades of grass I watched our field of flowers wilt.
There are no more sweaty palms or tango hearts in between our conversations.
You were like helium filling my head with empty promises as if I was a balloon trying to float away in the wind as you kept tugging the string.
Every night is a cold sweat about you. I've been dying to cut this chord wrapped around my neck but I was hoping maybe you'd **** me first.

I used to trace the veins in your arms like an old map that's been paving the way back to a vacant home where I find myself wandering back to between the hours of 2 and 4am.
In my dreams I feel the warmth of the sun hug the exposed parts of my skin. I feel the rust of the chain link fence scraping against the tips of my fingers and I catch you holding my hand as if we were those innocent kids in the park again.
Every dream starts off the same and then I start to remember where you hid all your demons in the nooks and crannies into scattered pieces of my soul.
The song we used to sing in my car plays in the background and gives me the feeling of a thousand sinking ships with a thousand helpless people begging to a God who refuses to listen to their cries.
I wake up in cold sweat with a pounding heart and remember that everything about you was just a nightmare that I never wished was real.

I looked at the broken porcelain doll beneath my feet
as my sister started to sob
and questioned why I had to throw it away
and all I could think about was you
and say
"some things aren't meant to be fixed
or last forever."

I thought i had nothing to say
But i decided to stay a million times
And you have a million eyes
And mine are brown sometimes
But sometimes in the right light they look green too
Just like yours
Sometimes I have dreams about you and me
But it’s not the same ones they used to be
I needed you to tell me that you see your future, that you’ll see me later
But I think deep down there was never any future
At least not in this lifetime
And I think I’ve always been Tom and you’ve always been Summer
Or maybe Sid and Nancy
Metaphorically speaking of course but it still hurts just as bad
I think I must’ve died a hundred times
You said you wanted my collar bones
So I gave them to you
Because out of all the things I’ve grown out of
You were never one of them
Sometimes i lie here wondering how you remember me
If you think about the songs that played the way i do
How sometimes Kele Okereke comes on shuffle on the way to the gas station
And i have to go home on empty

How am I supposed
To feel anything
When all I see is colors
In black and white