This day every year hits me hard
it makes me feel two parts nostalgic and
Three parts miserable

i'm just a little bit ****
a little bit shaky
a little bit to achey for you

Or maybe i always was
the insatiable appetite i have for you is killing me inside
Slowly and painfully
i never thought it was this painful to miss someone so much
I think the reason i cannot detached these feelings i have for you is because
You are the only pure, true happiness i've ever known
you're the only light i've ever had
If i were ever to stop feeling that for which i feel for you i think i would feel
empty
I am Empty.

You are detrimental to my health
especially my mental health
because it shouldn't be healthy to feel such a
Cocktail of emotions all at an instance
for one person
that's what causes heart attacks
You are a bus traveling at 50 mph with no intention of stopping
and i am in the middle of the road
You are a blood clot in my brain and you are much to close to an artery
you are water that rushes into my lungs and
weighs me down
I am Unconscious.

That date was and always will be the first time i ever felt something break within me
and the day you find someone else
And you look happier then you ever did with me
my heart will break again, in 4 parts
you left me there in my own mess
It felt like a shot coursing through my veins
it's similar to the first time you fracture a bone
or when you cannot get the toy you want
When you see an animal die in a movie
it can't physically be your heart breaking
but it sure feels like something has shattered
Inside you
and for some time afterwards you still feel the pieces of whatever has damaged still in the place
Where it broke
you carry them with you in hope they will dissolve quickly
They cause internal injuries and you bleed from within
But all of a sudden, you feel nothing
nothing at all
I am Numb.

                      *******! you stole my ability to feel!
I cannot show affection for anything anymore
that container is empty
maybe one day the ink that fuels my sentiment for you into these words will run dry
And i can regain some sort of feeling besides emptiness
|100%|
longing for you
|94%|
bitterness
|90%|
Can it subside?
it's just odd how i can have all this inside me and to you it's just words
If writers write about the things that are haunting them then your ghost is still here
in my head
Living a comfy residence where it is not welcome
i look for you in everyone
there is no longer a woman inside me
Just this tiny little thing that shouts all the time and only wants one thing
true in her devotion
She wants you and she wants to know why you gave up and left me when i needed you
you're still inside of me like a disease
And i am still here surviving solely on your memory
everything reminds me of you
Everything
i have died and come undone at your hand
I am Heartbroken and in Love
with you.

You are elements in my chakras
funny because you're a pisces
and what are you doing in my fire silly fish
Sometimes i want to turn on the flames and rid myself of you for good
the thin line between love and hate
Keeps on flickering
for you
such feeble human emotions those are.

I'm sure that if i were to erase all of my memories of you i'd come across this absence and emptiness
i've been torn apart inside because of you for so
Long now i don't know how i'd feel without that thorn in my side
you once drew me a beautiful rose with the morbidity of a poison inside
Do you remember that?
you must
you are the beautiful rose and i am the dangerous thorn.

Your hands like tiny pocket knives
all crashing into me at once when your skin meets mine
Your eyes like ice water being splashed upon my face and forced into my nose
fluorescent amber stones that **** me
Your hair like the comfort of a protectant blanket
with it's cool touch almost hovering above my reach
A magnet in the form of an innocent teddy bear
your words akin to the sounds you so desperately want to hear to break a silence
To me like a drug and lately i have gone into relapse from their sheldom return
my heartbeat like that of a hummingbird
You, like a shot of adrenaline.

'cause i feel like i've been torn into four sharp pieces
when i saw that i didn't know how to handle it
I thought this day wouldn't come this soon and i have got to tell you my dear you have succeeded
in breaking me once again
The only way i can explain this particular pain is if someone were to take the shard of glass left in me
by you and then continue to put it back in deeper
I just want to scream and cry all whilst telling you how much i miss you and the terrible
ache in my chest has grown
My beautiful little heartache
has a name.

That name resonates in the drum line of my chest and boils my blood until i feel as if i were to pass out
I want to hate you so passionately
as much as i love you,
the tightrope i am balancing on keeps on tilting
From side to side and it won't make up it's mind
will it let me fall already or stay up in the air
watching everything i care about from below
Slowly dissentigrate into oblivion
oh no darling, i know you do not care
or wish to here my helpless plead
For you to see just how much i want you
my little muse
the fire within my brain.

Don't think i want to write about you anymore
you don't deserve that power any longer
or the power to hold this grief over me
I need to get this leash off of my cerebral cortex
but alas i write so i am not a sobbing mess
my most beloved downfall
I loved you first.

Je veux juste vous dire que je vous aimerai pour toujours.

There's alot of things that i think about now
that sends signals of pain to my head
When they pop up in random moments
fleeting moments of significant memories
I once held so dear.

But i can't think about them anymore
I'm not allowed to remember.

Remember how much i miss the color of your walls
deep red
And how long i spent looking up at them when we layed in your room
The way the sunlight came in and bounced off the walls
Giving your room an eery red glow
even though you never let me part the curtains.

Remember how much i miss your bed spread
how much comfier it was then mine
The amount of time we spent entangled in them watching movies and playing games
Kissing
touching
I feel you most when i'm alone
I feel your ghost still around.

Remember how much i miss having my fingers tangled in your hair
Or the way you were scared of being alone when it rained hard
When we went to the theme park for my birthday and we got on the ride i was terrified of
But you were so excited about it and so brave
so in some way
I enjoyed it more with you.

Definitely not allowed to remember when you took me on our first date
you made me try your salad and i almost puked
You got overexcited and tipped the waiter too much
Or the first time we ever met
on that really awkward double date and the awful
Photobooth picture with them
we were in the background of 2/4 of it
And i'm pretty sure that was my favorite worst picture of us ever
I wish i still had it.

That's right; I miss your euphonious voice in my ears
I miss the time we spent together
even if it was ephemeral
It was the best year of my life
I miss the corny photo we had that so many people thought was oh so charming
Every photo of us was really
we looked so clinquant next to each other,
Even though that was all just chimerical.

I miss it all
I have dredged up that word about you so many times it's almost sickening
How i've wanted only one person for so long the mere idea of someone else touching me makes me
Want to throw up
I miss your smile most of all
so much
It lit up the once so quiescent soul of mine
I feel like this longing for you will be sempiternal.

Can you miss someone so much it starts too circulate in your veins?
I guess sometimes someone gets under your skin and as much as you feel you must tear apart that part of yourself
No matter how many years have past
you feel if you ever did that you'd lose a part of yourself.

Well that part of me died a long time ago.

It's funny how memories play out in your mind
like you could almost see them in 10 second clips
Usually of your favorite bits and pieces of them
over
and
over
again
Wishing you could slink them out of your head and put them to play on a projector
Blissfully watching what was your happiest moments.

I think my head is overflowing with cassette tapes and miles and miles of film full of you
You and your face and us,
all of the things we did that were so memorable to me
Which was a lot when i think about it
they rewind in my brain so many times during the days and no matter what i can never get them
Out
or press stop
And sometimes i think that maybe in some way i don't want them to go astray
They make me who i am and who we were.

All together i think it's almost two years worth of memories
And all together i think it's three years worth of feelings
I've had for you
and i've been submissive to all the memories no matter how much pain they cause me
Of course i remember the bad ones to,
the ones we spent arguing and feeling inadequate for it afterwards
Even the bad ones had passion in them
no matter the fact we were so young and didn't
Fully understand how much a relationship like the one we had required understanding and common
Sense and maturity.

You cannot have that amount of passion for someone if you did not feel the upmost of love and Care that we felt
well
at least what i felt for you
Rooting from within the core of my brain where the memories are stashed is such a potent and concentrated mix of love
That no quantity of hate that i could try and spur up could water it down
Even now, with the countless reasons i have to forget you and yank out those memories and bash them into the ground and light a fire
I can't
because when i look at you i feel the most powerful emotions any human possesses;
Love and hate.

I didn't know they could be mixed in such equal amounts
And i pray to a god that i don't believe in that i someday feel one more than the other
To push the scales off the balance they stay
So i can walk away from you
your memory
Every last trace of you in my system
because i know for now at least,
that loving you is a one way street now
And the only thing it'll be of use to me
is to hold together every last tape, film, cassette, picture,
video,
and written word that embodies you.

They're funny things, human memories.

I turned you bitter, you made vinegar flow in my veins
I burned when you touched me, you spit acid at me everytime we talk
I am a withering flower in a decaying atmosphere without you
You are blooming into your true form without me.

I gave you a scar across your cheek
on accident if i can recall
In your dark complexion it scarred
lighter than your skin tone
And i guarantee if you look right now it'll still be right where i left it.

Why don't i have any scars on my body from you?
why couldn't you leave something so permanent
On me like i did for you so many times
these words are permanent
Like your memory in my brain
where you tattooed it when i showed you my thoughts
I wish every time i said i loved you
it burned like alcohol in your cuts
I wish every time you read my name
it burned like beer down your throat.

You flow through my capillaries
and when i kiss him all i see is your face
All i taste is my regret
every time
And quite frankly my dear, it makes me sick
get out from under my skin
When all you want to do is be under another girl's
because quite frankly my dear, it makes you sick
I just want to paint an accurate picture of you
for everyone who reads this.

An emotionally inept soon-to-be adult
boy who makes a mockery of love
When he used to feel it all so well
a shell of someone who used to be so interesting
Now blends in with every other boy his age
am i describing you correctly?
Do you feel proud in how you pushed back your inner most feelings down into the smallest corner of your brain?

Because I admitted something to you that my pride only wanted to shove down into my stomach
Acids never to be seen again
manipulate me how you used to do so well
Into believing that i don't love you anymore
erase your every touch from my nerve endings
Until i can no longer feel what you did
when i can no longer feel your presense
you're the 10th letter from the alphabet that i can
No longer read without a sharp pain induced
i want you to read this and see how you influence me
God, i loved you, i love you you idiot
it's the way that you fake it i know it's too late for that
Your interest in me is so insincere.

Who's brave now?

I don't want to be held by someone and secretly wish it was you
I don't want to wonder who you're giving all your rewritten compliments to
I want you gone

You said we were poison love,
you're like lava in my veins
You're the only one that can heat up my emotions and melt away every little speck of common sense I have.

We were sickening love
We were flawed in every way
But, you're everything I could ever want in a person
I love every flaw you have, even when I hate you.

Even the ones in your personality
That made me jealous and made me feel like ripping my feelings out with my bare hands
I didn't know you could hate someone as much as you loved them
until you.

My mind goes to very dangerous places
when i think of you
like deciding to have *** while someone was asleep in the other room
or walking around at 3 in the morning
and screaming because we're having so much fun in each other's presence

Writing out our inner most feelings for one another on paper and letting each other see what our insides sound like
with raw emotion

Holding on to things we were supposed to let go years ago
because repressing emotions was never easy for me
not looking up into each other's eyes when we kiss, even while we're in the middle of letting our naked bodies touch

Talking to you when i should be trying to erase your memory from my mind
thinking about how i would give anything just to be held by you again when you hugged me so tight after an absence of that long

Accidentally giving away more then you wanted to.

I'm sorry every distorted metaphor I possess whispers your name
pathetic
I'm sorry I ever told you I loved you
I'm sorry I let you manipulate me for so long
I'm sorry I told you all my deepest secrets
I'm sorry I cared for so long when you stopped
I'm sorry I pretended to believe you still loved me;
I'm sorry I lied to you
I'm sorry I wanted to hurt you as bad as you hurt me, and I did
I'm sorry I was such a mess
I'm sorry I let my emotions get the better of me
So many times.

I'm not sorry I loved you as much as I did, and still do
I'm not sorry for all the wonderful moments we shared
I'm not sorry I tried my hardest at the time to make you happy, because I really wanted to
I'm especially not sorry
for swallowing my pride and admitting to you how I feel, even if you didn't care.


*I find myself saying '**** this' at the end of every try to write the feelings i have for you into readable literature.

You make up my anatomy
You're the specks of color in the iris of my eyes
They remember the way your smile looked
Little microscopic pieces of you flow in my blood from when you were there before
You're the bruises I used to find in a quick glance that I didn't know were there.

Your scent is sewn in my brain and frequently makes spontaneous trips to my nose and causes me to grimace in nostalgia
But mostly pain;
You're the taste of blood in my mouth when I try to kiss someone else
You tasted that way when we last kissed.

You put your dagger in my heart when we were together and when you left
You took it with you, leaving the gaping hole that is always hurting
It's all that's left

I wish the tiny microfibers would grow and repear the tear to how it was before you
But it's too deep and still fresh even after two years,
And my antibodies aren't strong enough to rid you out of my system.

Let me tell you about the first few times I knew I could love you.

The first time I came over to your place and we sat on your couch and just held each other
And I fit just right in the nook of your chest and neck.

The first time we talked on the phone and it was so natural and it felt like I'd been talking to you all of my life
I felt like I could talk to you about anything and everything, and you'd still be there listening without a doubt.

The first time we made out on your bed,
you were all smiles and it was comfortable and you looked at me with such a gaze that I knew exactly what you were feeling
the reassurance was there in your eyes.

That first time
I was unsure of myself at first
I was a mess and my heart was thumping against my chest
I'd never felt anything like it before
But I wanted it as badly as you did
I wanted you entirely
and you calmed me down
you didn't say anything cliché
like anyone else would've done to try and convince me
You simply told me if I felt the moment was as right as you did
then it was ok.

And all throughout you kept telling me you loved me
Even though I didn't need you to
It was when I knew;

That I could never feel for anybody else what I felt for you
I could start fires with what I felt for you in each of those moments.

That was when I knew,
everytime.

The day we met,
i fell in love with your eyes
and the way they were never completely open
unless you were really happy
with me

I came to love
that smirk you had
because you didn't want to show teeth,
but my god, did your smile light up the room
and my love for you

The way your hair got into your eyes
and how you used it to hide your expression
that stupid look your eyes made when i was around
made me go insane

Most of all,
i loved the way
you made me love you
without really doing anything
at all.