‘til then, I’ll continue to attempt
to retch my heart up on a plate
while a river bed forms on my face
from my inner corner, up a hill, then down
the well of my ear
green foliage and flowers would in time surround the banks
and I’d have earned the grace
to bask in the beauty of it all

it feels wrong to attempt
writing a poem using a pen
but there’s a sense of peace
in knowing that some things
cannot be changed

I trace these shapes
risking ruining it
but does it matter
I’ve turned it into rats
and ghosts

rewinds and close-ups
choreographed dance steps
sparkles and music
is anything ever childish?
or is everything else just boring?

I feel envy when i see you
be so unapologetically yourself
so shiny, so different
from me

I feel envy when I see her
laugh at jokes that I don’t find remotely funny
being so awkward
but so okay at the same time

it makes me look forward to the time
I can fall in love with myself
in the same way

I can only blame my mother
For being interested in what I have to say
Leading me to grow up thinking
That everyone is the same

I got sick of things quickly
I always did
The mechanical scooter my parents gave me for my birthday
My obsession over sneakers
My hobby of playing the piano
I was even afraid I could never love cause I would just throw the person away as soon as I got what I wanted
Then you came along
And you proved me wrong
I couldnt get enough of you
Months, still felt the same
And I was relieved
Cause finally,
finally there was something I didnt get sick of
And yes, i didnt get sick of you
But
You
You got sick of me

even if you slapped him in the face
with the most radiant bouquet of sunflowers
there was no way he could fathom
what had hit him

nevertheless, never mind
it's not your fault
it never was
but neither is it his

he was raised to believe
that he did not deserve
kindness or care
or beauty in whatever form

forced to grow up,
not knowing what any of it was
or what any of it meant