words that describe my moms life but more so my own

I dont have any cloth or a picture to base the end product on

I dont have justification or reasoning or understanding

So why

Why cant I live outside the idea I need a physical representation of what it is to be family if I know family is more than that

I know all of this

Discolored youth in a rose vignette nostalgia I can't help myself im only human

I'm going to need this pain to end
And its not the kind felt daily, which is the problem itself

Numb against wishing for numbness

I want the homeostasis of a life with two parents

I can't hold each piece of myself in both hands hoping to make something of it if I'm constantly tearing them apart

I need you and youre gone.
I needed you and you left.

The pieces I hold dont even reflect a full picture, you took those pieces with you.



the most important in some cases; my youth

I hate you but youre not here
I love you but youre not here

How can I feel so much for someone I can't touch
Someone whose touch I can't even remember

In fifth grade I wanted to play the saxophone because I didn't know what a trumpet looked like. But you weren't there for my first concert or to fix my mistake.

When people say I'm reminded of you the sun comes close to my face but I burn up. I feel the warmth before it destroys me and I remember you're not here and you won't be back.

i thought you were supposed to protect.
How can this much pain be explained with an "I did this because I love you"

if you love me so much give me an explanation.
why

why is this hole in my soul everpresent

im officially an art major with a poetry blog, wincing at the weight of cliche