I had again this dream
Of the past, haunts my present:
Vivid eyes of blue.

I have a place I long to be
Yet can't ever seem to get there
My weakness keeps me where I am
Holding me down with chains of shame
Others make it there victorious
Achievement and pride beams from them
While I sit here, stationary
Never going forth, I just dream
Don't doubt it hovers me always
Rains down drops of self-loathe and shame
I deserve no pity; no love
For an ugly failure I am.

You and I play games
Which hold no joy or pleasure
Games of love gone wrong

I sit alone; insecure and silent.
I am not who I want to be.
My fingers tremble, empty and frightened,
The world surrounding seems worry-free.

And I feel cold and lost and unnoticed;
This is not how I wish to live.
Trapped by their confidence- my enemy,
I feel I have no good to give.

Joy and laughter is what I see: but me,
I am unhappy with my life.
Haunted by abuse, panic and anger,
My soul's one friend is blood and knife.

Am I intended to be jealous?
Should I have such contradicting emotions?
You confuse me, dear love.
“I love you”, is your claim,
But I am tangled, twisted, feeling tiny-
Like a bump on a twig, grown out of a branch
Among all the branches of your large tree called concerns.
It is not pleasant;
It is not right to be this way.
You are hurtful, my love.
Why are you not the happy thing they say you should be?

I have longed to find in us what I believe is joy.
So I try my best.
But your actions cut my confidence;
Your words burn my hope.
And still I stay close,
As though on a chain.
It’s a leash you’ve created with your manipulation,
Your way of leaving me without self esteem
And your false cadences of affection.
So this is how you wound me.

And now I resist.
I hold my shaking hand up and finally declare,
“You can not make me feel this way.”
Did God give you this right?
Did He entitle you to my heart,
And along with it present to you authority to do as you will?
I dare say no;
I dare say he gave to me that place.
So at last, I will not let you do as you have any longer.
I refuse to be so small.
I end this.
And I dare say I am allowed to find real happiness now.