a lot of us have lost so many, age 6 i lost my nana now i know that's not too bad, we get back from the funeral within minutes of walking in there's a knock on the door, the police? were sent to our rooms my brother sister and me,  i sneak down the stairs to the hatch in the wall where the living room sits on the other side, the policemen are sat there explaining how my fathers son had died, my big brother was dead? surely not true, as my nana has just gone not my brother too? hit by a train? he jumped you say? well why would he do that? just take his life without much reason one day? then age 7 i lost my great nana which wasn't too bad then a gap to age 9 where it was rather sad, the day went like this.. firstly my dad said we didn't have to go to school today, he took us to my brothers where we asked to go swimming, 'we will see how you feel later' my dad said then it hit me, my dads stress the day of school talking about feelings "who was dead?" i thought quietly somewhere deep in my head, i dismissed the idea without much more of a though, we drove home, me and my sister jumped out the van and my dad shouted for us to wait and come back as we ran towards the front door, we came back i looked at my sister the huge smile on her face, my dad? his face looked solomn, full of concentration, his eyes full of a deep sadness, the summer air breezed past us leaving silence in its path then my dads deep voice cut through it 'i need to tell you something.' and my sisters smile changed to a face full of confusion, 'you're mum is gone' he continued, a small tear run down his face,  i looked at the young fair haired 8 year old next to me, the disbelief on her face as she asked what he meant and he then went on to explain how she had passed away the night before my sisters face had gone from happy to confused then twisted with pain in a matter of seconds she was on her knees at his side where he held her squirming body and wiped her tearful eyes, i went inside found my half brother and started to play fight, i knew i needed to be strong, are you not upset my brother asked me and i answers simply with, well of course i am, my mum is dead but i'm strong and i have you lot and a very clear head, and with that sentence i managed to land a punch in his ribs, i didn't cry once not shed one tear, i saw in my sisters face over the next few weeks that pure look of fear and i knew what was wrong as we now had to grow up with no mum, so that day i made a silent vow to myself that i would be there for her as long as i could. now lets fast forward.. im 13 in 2 days! im getting exited now my dads come down stairs 'no school today', wow how could this get any better eh? well maybe not better but maybe just worse as my nana died just this morning, the tumor took over her head and that was the end and with that i simply said, i wanna go to school today dad and so i left went to school and stayed distracted all day acted as happy as any teenager at school may. lets fast forward again 17 in 2 weeks! just got ready for a road trip with 2 of my brothers by now i'm a tear away like them, earning money to blow and smoking far too much **** were leaving at 6 and i've come down the stairs woke my dad up on the sofa to tell him to go to bed, were packing the car almost ready to leave my dad comes downstairs a distraught look on his face, 'my dad died this morning' he mournfully said and with that we all looked at his tired bowed head we all went inside made some cups of tea my brothers friends ringing where are you they say, he politely tells them whats happened said he would ring them when we sort our heads out, i look at my brother not knowing if hes feeling up for driving about... my dad tells us to go it will all be okay my younger sister still in bed i send her a text before i left, 'keep an eye on dad, go talk to him when you wake up make sure he is okay.' i don't tell her whats happened it isn't my place to say, a few hours later and i tell all the rest so that while i'm away there are people there for our dad. now i look at myself only just 17 years of age, i'm much more wiser than most that's just my own age i grew up quiet fast looking after the young and have learnt from others mistakes as i have as well with my own, there is other stuff too with drugs violence and more but ill leave that for another day as my brain is becoming quiet sore.

drugs,
they course through your vains,
leave horrible marks,
not only marks where they enter,
marks in your brain,
they can leave you going insane,
like my brother,
he did them too young,
ended up killing himself,
the drugs messed with his head,
*** he was in the wrong environment,
thats what they said.
but ive taken them too,
i enjoy them but only occasionally,
i smoke **** nearly everyday,
even go out and sniff coke with mates,
but i do know my limits,
and will soon stop someday,
but im young and im dumb,
theres so much fun to be had,
after all im only 17 years of age.
some say i should know better as they killed my mum too,
for me drugs are not a get away,
i dont use them to cover any sadness up,
thats how i know when i take them im okay,
because im happy when i take them and they make me more so,
but im happy all the time so they wont stick like they say.

violence
i watched my brother get his legs nearly chopped off,
attacked in the night by a man all in black clothes,
look out of my window and just down the street,
theres a man with a machete slicing through his knee caps like meat,
accross the road my other brothers are there in safety of a shadow but i can make them out clear,
the man leaves my brother on the floor covered in blood,
a woman runs out the house with towels and a phone,
shes doing something with his legs,
anyway turns out she saved his life,
the ambulance came congratulated her and took my big bro away,
his knees now made of metal,
and his shins made of plates,
he barely leaves his house,
hes scared he will never find peace,
hes been stabbed 7 times and shot 3 times on top,
basically the bad things seem never to stop.
the fun thing about it is when you get your own back,
my big sister did that when her boyfriend was an abusive old ****,
she beat him up in the garden when he pushed her down the stairs,
it wasnt because of that though it was *** he had called her a *****!!
i grew up with 7 brothers so i seem pretty tough,
but when i fight i get unbelievably rough,
sometimes i cant stop once ive started,
so i try to steer clear of confrontation and stuff.

Death
well ive seen plenty of that,
ive seen people die,
ive seen people come close to dying,
but the people ive watched have always died fighting,
even if that fighting is with themselves,
not one of them gave up without a fight,
death is..
cold.
unfair.
destructive.
but its also...
beautiful.
peaceful.
and even sometimes wanted.

inspiration comes from everywhere
in our hearts
in our dreams
in our hopes
in ourselves
in our surroundings
people we meet
people we love
people we lose
people we loath
people we seek
places where we've been
places where we've never been
places  where we've seen
places where are hidden
places where are shown
emotions we have
sadness
anger
happiness
love
guilt
inspiration can come from within
inspiration can come from an exterior source
but we will always find inspiration in anything we're given
its one of few things that can never be taken.

the past is what is behind us,
whether it be good
or bad
or even messed up
or sad
its gone and done
never changing.

the present is what we live for
whether it be
friends
family
party
love
we live for it now
forever changing.

the future is what we can look forward too
whether it be
family
love
money
dreams
hopes
its what we aspire to make happen.
never fully interpreted.

i'm scared to tell him.
i'm scared to miss him.
i'm scared to be with him
or without him.
i'm falling for him,
but does he feel the same?
i'm scared to ask him.
i've known him forever,
but only spent a week with him.
i grew up knowing him
but only now truly know him.
he's only just left,
yet i already want him here,
i can still smell him on my pillow
hear his voice in my head.
i want all of these feelings gone.
the feelings feel so right
but then really really wrong.
i cant tell him but feel i should.
he's hundreds of miles away
maybe i could?
no i wont tell him,
i simply cant,
now i'm lying awake,
just wondering if maybe he feels the same...