avant, à ta poursuite
aux pays du désert
où le soleil brûlait et
dévorait tout en vue

je me contentais de
suivre ce fameux chemin
des miettes et méandres,
des traces de ton sang

pendant des années,
j'ai traversé ce terrain aride,
la course sèche la journée
des balades noyées la nuit,

je buvais que de ta tristesse,
j'avalais ta faiblesse entière,
mon propre corps infecté
par tes batailles malades

affamée, assoiffée, puis morte
pendue par mes pas sans fin,
ma persistance m'a gagné
un aller sous la terre

une fois revenue au Paradis,
tes plumes m’appariassent,
légères et sales, chez les autres,
un départ irréel de ton Enfer

ton Phantom silencieux,
tes ombres brumeuses,
flashent à travers leurs yeux
alors que j'ai arraché les miens

aveugle, la danse royal éternelle,
les fleurs vivantes me caressaient
une partouze de l’Ambroisie et ses amis
j'ai absorbé le Bonheur comme une éponge  

les lunes ont pleurés et décédées,
& tu te présentés à ma face,
portant ce vase ancien & abordant,
comme un cadeau bien attendu

pourtant, je vois mon reflet dedans
& comme c'est étrange
que tu ne pèses plus rien

english translation
not quite as good
the mirage,

before, when in pursuit of you
I found myself in a land of deserts,
where the sun burnt &
devoured everything in sight

I contented myself to
follow this notorious path
of crumbs & curves,
of the blood you left behind

for years upon years,
I crossed this arid expanse
running dry in day
drowned ramble at night

I drank only of your sadness
I swallowed your weakness whole
my own body became infected
by your diseased battles

ravenous, athirst & finally dead,
hanged by my endless trek
my persistence brought me
a trip beneath the earth

once safely returned to Paradise
through others, your feathers,
appeared to me filthy & light,
an impossible withdrawal from your Hell

your mute Phantom,
your foggy shadows
danced in their eyes,
so I tore out my own

blinded, an endless royal dance
living flowers touched my flesh
an **** of Ambrosia & her friends
Joy permeated my skin like a sponge

many moons wept & died
& you arrive in front of me,
carrying this forgotten, overflowing vase
as if it were a long lost gift

yet, I see my own reflection inside
& how odd it is
that you no longer weigh a thing

f

oh you bored baby boys,
how many times have I
gotten myself lost inside
of you & your endless mazes?
never enough, once more

oh you’re such fine young men,
weighed down by pockets
of paper that doesn’t bear
your name & a guard to
rival that of the Queen

so **** boring, so ****
silent, i’ll project my mind
on to you & romance
myself alive through this
fragmented Narcissist’s mirror

oh so blasé you guys, once,
twice, now thrice i’ve thrown
my sanity to the wind &
stroked my mania to love you
the world over & back again

oh & you all **** it up royally
infect me with your ennui,
i push my boundaries & leap
forward, leaving you stagnant
& rotten in settling dust

oh you lost boys, the return
“baby i was a fool, i had
no idea that was boiling
inside of you” now just words
from a reformed Prince with
an empty belly & no spine

let the line drop dead
& return the favor elsewhere

your skin is so young

almost like you’ve never

been to those places

your eyes tell me of

fg

Nourris ta misère & je ferai pareil

Me faire gonfler sous cette peau douce

Prendre du plaisir dans la douleur : le Paradoxe

Au moins que ça remplit ce vide saccagé

Au moins qu’il mangeait des fleurs

Ces Fleurs du Mal et de la mélancolie

Comme rien n’est laid lorsque l’on ignore la Beauté

there’s something about those tiny teeth
decorating that infinite black canvas
drawn like a curtain at the day’s end
that enhance the chemical persuasions
I give into when yesterday calls itself today

Moonlight breeds a fleeting, false clarity
that the Sun devours ravenously by mid-day
& so my hands often hold nothing but a
pouding headache and throbbing regrets
But I can’t say I know what remorse feels like

retour au blanc
au banal
au bon sens
au commun


j’ai pas pris
de plan
je connais
le terrain

months ago,
when you left,
why did you leave
all the doors open ?

why did you not
shut the windows,
or look behind you ?
you were still welcome

I followed you, your path
until the crumbles
became so scarce
that I could go no further

I turned about & retreated
but your smoke still lingered
& your presence hung about.
the hope was suffocating

& now a draft haunts
my room, it gets cold
but I cannot bring myself
to turn the lock & shut you out

for hope, that maybe you’ll return
for fear, that you likely won’t

I am cigarettes, chocolate & cotton
The things that melt, not what freezes,
I have no patience & I won’t spare your feelings,

My skin is a canvas, it’s never empty
Bruises in water color, blood in ink,
Grace in the day, destruction at night

Selfish, megalomaniac & narcissistic
Not a shred of sympathy but empathy that’s endless
I have spent my entire life trying to get out of my body

Live outside my mind at all times,
repression, displacement, denial : defense
my anger consumes me & i can't see why

I have spent the last decade puking
my sexuality is twisted & it’s always been about power
tug of war, to keep the upper hand & keep them down

In the mirror, I see myself at 2 years old,
singing & kissing my sister on the forehead
& then pushing her into Christmas trees

I am open, gentle, loving, creative & kind.
A picture of fragility & resilience
So blinded in the light of this life

Forgive but never forget
& such grudges kind of weigh me down
I’m just scared they’ll all do it again & I’ll be the Fool

My mother has only slept, ate, drank, spent her way through life
When I’m really strong, I’ll let her off for that but right now,
I just can’t

I have always wondered why I was not like the others
& then I decided I didn’t want to be
they are puddles & I am a lake:

I’d rather swim, & risk drowning
than never see the depths of my being

i want to give you what lies inside

of me : a raw, dying hell cry

seeks its way to the Light



call it forth with a glance,

coax it with the force of your hand

submit myself to your whims



lay me down in the coldest cold

extract all of the dancing demons

that haunt this carbon frame



only in the most violent caress

can you set fire to the pulverized

ruins & rubble that cage me

prickly little amoeba of a person
with no spine & skin that never molts

my passive-aggression falls flat
on dead ears, on dead eyes

this entity so empty, indifferent
nonsense eagerly conquered the front

my projections slept neatly in his vacuole
whilst i spit my repulsion on his flacid corpse

If the world weren’t divided
by the East and the West,
I’d be able to tell you that
my love was endless
Like habitual summer rains
that eclipse the afternoon sky

Maybe I’d be more a storm
and less a drizzle
Maybe I’d rattle your windows
and leak in through the roof
But I’m forever collecting as drops
as the morning dew does year-round

But as the world turns
So does my mind
And I wouldn’t ask for it to halt
I wouldn’t dare to ask

oh ****, well it happened again,
I let it run off of its leash
but let’s not pretend it hasn’t
already been wreaking havoc
for weeks on weeks on weeks
I’m only just admitting to it now

this **** habit coaxed out
like a snake to its charmer
by thoughts I can’t control
& the more the beast dances
the more it wants from me
& the faster the song must go

I’ll **** myself trying to keep up
**** this rhythm, **** this speed
this mad consumption is draining
the pathetic reserves of all I have
& it won’t be much longer before
the beast swallows me whole

Did I speak too soon?
Because here I am,
back in the mud
of emptiness
Will I make mountains out
of mundane or I have
learnt better?
I now know the world
is nothing but kingdoms
of bad men
and their rules,
how they restrict
and constrict,
exorcising gasping breaths
like a python to power.

Famished,
I picked the fruit
of the dead men's orchard
in a dream-like landscape.
They told me to come back
down to earth
and finally, I could no longer
pay the toll of the cloudy road
so I obliged.

But then again,
here, I am low.
and how it comes & goes
the feeling of nothingness.
Jesus christ, can you even imagine
what I see I close my eyes
I wish you could know the ways
in which my mind splits,
how many atoms I dare to split.

I contain, contain it all.
in the rise and in the fall,
and I hate how you try
and make me feel small.
Leave me to my ascension
and quit  weighing me down
by shoving reality
down my throat.
I swear to God,
one day I'll just quit breathing.

Your objectivity isn't real
that ******* you insist upon
reeks of nonsense
it's such flimsy gravity
I'm not afraid to say it.

Watch me explode, for
I am a supernova nebula

I was born twice,
once when the moon
was burning up
and then again,
when you whispered
my name for the first time.

I pressed a flower
in a book
to mark the date
when you hung
words, lost
somewhere in
my shelter.

I felt then
alive
for the first time
since I took that
primordial breath
and  lungs expanded,
I was hoping
you’d stay.

They say,
all that glitters is not gold
but your new wave voice
sent shivers down my spine
and I spent
what seemed like
an eternity
trying to shed my skin.

But then,
I was nothing
if not a bundle
of nerves & ashes
and you let me
exit.
Mind the door,
lest it hit in you on the way out

one day, when i’m a woman
& more than an angry girl
i’ll let one of them love me
as i suspect they could

but now i am too busy
trying to put black
butterflies in black bags
& wasting all my time

trying to swallow them whole

spikes in my blood sugar,
in the statistics,
when you come through,
on the daily, almost…
yet I never lost any sleep,
not even a wink,
& i still dream of cannibals

we all spoke of fragile Fire,
& it made me feel
so sad
‘cause mine have
burnt out & you just
can’t reignite that ****
on demand

i hope you’ll play Lazarus
& exorcise the Phantom
i still see it when I drink
i still see you here & there

do you still despise your father
because he had another woman,
& left you & your brother for her?
"oh no, now, no one will ever care"

do you still resent your mother
because she turned a blind eye
& collasped with shame when it came to light?
"oh no, I'll be more unyielding than that"

& so it is no small wonder to me
that when you gaze at  yourself
you must see the ***** that you are
you still take his money after all.

that sort of self-disgust must be
pretty hard to swallow, digest.
no wonder, you're always hungry & hollow
oh you'll consume anything he pays for

(I, myself, must admit I made the mistake of
finding an abyss inside a void)

but spaces are not always places
aches are not always pains
I loved you once

now i live in Paris
& content myself with
sticky solid chocolate
hash , that **** ain’t as
good as the dank
i was smoking
when I lived on the river
with 3 boys & a ****
& le désespoir totale

we slept at dawn
together in beds
spread out like lions
on the savanna
they never laid a hand
on my quiet body
they always laughed
at my jokes & held me
when i needed it


my eyes were like
wells
when i drank whiskey
out of cups & when
i loved that melancholic
cowboy who came
from oil, with so much
money he didn’t
know where to buy
happiness

the pride dissipated
my love & the drinks
remain & well the cowboy
still cheats on his wife
now i smoke spliffs
& leave behind the crystal
smelly  mota

i don’t get as high
but i sure as hell don’t

**get as low

No, I let them come & go,
consistently riding that
endless wave of ephemerality.
Parade on in,
Provoke! Provoke!
I’ve got hours upon hours
to spend, delicately tracing
the hopes & hard-ons of young men.

By midnight, the cathartic compostion
is unravelling or rotting
& I’ve got my hand
down his pants,
hoping to call forth that
Saint-Lazarus sleeping at my core


Oh yes but how I do like you so,
said I, drowning in clouds
& flying through the bottoms of
sticky plastic cups
It wasn’t the truth
but God knows, I wasn’t lying

I would love to love you
I get utterly intoxicated
when you let me swallow your smile,
whilst you’re sleeping in my eyes.

It’s just that,
I only know to project my dreams
and lie awake,
melting beneath the cowardly heat.
Oh it lives on, the stiffling tension
of a fool with a thousand feelings
and a limited vocabulary.

Beware,
I must admit
there isn’t much beauty to be found
as I left my courage far behind,
in spring,
in a bedroom,
inside some other vacuole of desperation
and he fed it to the birds.

These days,
my declarations are dosed,
I keep my tongue on a leash
and my chest begets a cage.
I crawl inside my mind
and close many a door.

des espoirs,

toujours nombreux,

dans sa tête,


des regards,

souvent curieux,

dans ses yeux,



des clopes,

toujours une,

à sa bouche,



des verres,

toujours vidés,

dans sa gorge,



des angoisses,

toujours présents,

dans son cœur,



des papillons

parfois volants,

dans son ventre,


des pensées,

souvent gonflées,

à son sexe,


des mains,

jamais ses propres,

sur ses cuisses,



des trémoussements,

toujours violents

au niveau de ses genoux



de la danse,

toujours frappant,

prend ses pieds



la guerre prend lieu

sans approbation

dans son corps



des tensions,

et la détente

en bataille éternelle

In a haven of cotton and chiming clocks,
I whisper to you that there will be time
& time again, to talk of our troubles
that hang around like ghosts
in the back of an empty apartment.

You leave empty jars
scattered amongst the books
and unlikely photos that remove you
from the stiffling four walls
you’ve come to call home.

You dream of certain travel
in faraway lands where
they do not speak your tongue,
whilst your own, buzzes and breaks
like electric cables in a summer storm.

I have precisely one thousand questions,
and a hunger to know what haunts
you when you are left to your mind
and it’s scheming devices
but I find the back of your hand
too soft to think of anything but touching.

I taste your lips on the back of my neck,
not knowing whether my body trembles
because of the night’s intruding cold
or rather that I am anxious
for this velvet moment to last,
having never felt such tender thoughts

Your emerald eyes scream urgency,
and I whisper to you that there will be time
& time again to talk of our troubles

Here, we are alone, here, we are each other,
Intertwining like vines in the sun,

You’re not holding back, not even a little bit,
You unravel, you come undone

We count the scars, not the seconds,
As we shed our skin & become one,

I have the found proper placement,
Here in this moment, in my submission
To all the things I’ve kept suppressed,
& my weakness is glorifying & free

Orange peels,
an overstuffed ash-tray,
empty wrappers,
for those capsules
that wake & then
those that hypnotise.
Swallow smoke.

That bitter black drink,
keeps me confident,
that I’m alive.
My heart rattles
in its calcium cage.
Despite the voice
that beckons
“Why go on?”

The looking glass lies
I feel like holding my breath
until I burst…
I feel like wasting away.
Let me shrink
Let me fade away.
Or pass in some
spectacular manner

Orange peels,
Cigarette butts,
Missed phone calls.
***** sheets.
Trembling up to my fingertips.
A seamless motion-
hand to mouth
Always hand to mouth

These are my props,
this is my performance
in permenance.
Oh how I grow tired
Of singing the same old song.
Oh how I grow tired
of singing

i want you to tell me why
when all has been said & done
you’ve said nothing at all

Young man
Words tumble out of your mouth,
sloppily,
Please, show some restraint

The bitter gave birth
to budding trees and
now I’ve come to know
the color of anguish.

Oh,how now,it tastes so shiny,
like iron, 100 shades of silver
Your lips are burning like a shell.
but I simply cannot fill you.

Love, you already know this,
I suppose this is why,
in your mind’s eye,
You see me folding neatly into your box.

Don’t bend me,
I won’t break.
Springboards or slinkies,
The bounce will bruise your baby-face.

Teeth, flesh, scars and pupils,
You expand and gasp for air,
feeding the fire.
I fear it may engulf you entirely.

I have no roots.
Clip my feathers,
Cover my eyes.
I could salt your garden.

Have you ever seen glass shatter ?

You’re stepping over me,
head fixed towards the sky.
All while staring straight through my skull,
and telling me I’m beautiful

But you won’t even look at me

He’s stumble-hungry,
& ****** to the sky
manifest destiny
in her naive eyes

Yet amongst the
ethanol mirrors
and heavy smoke,
this sharply curious
array of odd pieces
begs the question:

I am not vestigial, am I ?

Posing some lovely injury,
he bares his hands-
& in his silence,
he admittedly fails to ratify

*I am,  I am

I dreamt
& in this dream,
I was happy.

Rivers flowed,
& the magnetic
poles of the earth
were not switching

Things were calm.

I should have known
a storm was afoot.

I dreamt
& in this dream,
you appeared.

Pinching me
at the waist
as you always did.

With those shining white
American teeth.
& those laughing eyes
Laughing, smoking, complaining.

Come back to me
Come back to me


You made me want to swim upstream
despite having already smoothed over
one hundred thousand river rocks.

I dreamt
& in this dream
we were happy.

It was but a dream, I know

you & your small eyes
that peak & glance & glimmer
most, in the moment when
I undress & let you feast upon

the things that sleep inside.

you come & go leaving behind
marks & traces of a fiery
consumption: always satisified but
consistently craving more

in my hand, you feed upon the
meager scraps of the last
two decades’ harvest & you
swallow the crumbs whole…

as if you were tasting for the first time
as if you were going to eat to your full.

always most eager, your tongue,
searches mine & the body of many others
saveuring the reciprocal break-fast
& satisfying your appetite for the sacred

*with petite pieces of the profane

Come, chase me down
butterfly the Atlantic
& land in my bed
I’ll catch you up
on the past 5 years

Feed you the distance
Taste your vulnerability
Exercise the fatality
you expelled in to me
when I was still open

the Power
the Control
Now, I’d love to
swallow you whole

my friends & their worries,

they carry them like back-sacks,

from town to town,

checking in & checking out

where they know not

the faces of the inn-keepers

-

but they stay nonetheless,

taking shelter is a stranger’s world.

in a stranger’s word, the safe place

to lay down the heavy things

to which they have never given names,

with which they turn their bones to powder

-

my friends & their worries,

my friends & their woes,

my friends who go places no one will ever know

when the mail came
unmarked
I said I don’t want it-  return to sender!
I do not want this ****, again.junk mail is for the birds
I read books & letters, I do not open up
unknown packages for fear of ingesting anthrax
like that American did
a few years ago.

but it showed up once more
this time patiently waiting on my doorstep,

what
admirable
persistence

I thought to myself this must be a sign
of something good inside
(like the loving people that never give up on anyone else, ever)

intrigued by the beautiful wrapping,  I took it inside
& let it sit on my table  
for a few weeks,
half expecting something to happen, but
it did not want to make itself at home amongst
my masterpieces

so I moved it about,
looked for its place

it did not fit.
so I threw it on the shelf

Surprised by its lack of weight.
this **** thing must be empty !
why had I not wondered what was inside before?
(I’ll rip open that ******* & see what it’s made of)

but instead, into the fire I threw it
& the ashes disappeared shortly afterwards



the shelf remains empty
my hands warm,
the dust still unsettled
but by what ?

The way things were when
sunlight started to terrorize the morning
and then eventually, the evening sky.
My chest thumped at a glacial pace.
A slow hibernating thaw.
Those days I slept quite easily
whilst my mind ran away with the time.
Taking time with clowns & thieves alike.
Sponges indeed, sponges after all.
You crept in one night, hanging moons beneath your eyes.
I had exploded.
I closed.
On the loom, black lace then white cotton.
In my room, a screaming then a humming.
Cigarettes scattered the floor like sacrifices to some distant deity.
Who must have heard my prayers.
Something about all your silence
threw blankets on my lungs
and off my bed.
In your youth,
I feel soft.
Joy, I want more

i spotted
black cascades,
on a concrete canvas
in that southern twist
that kinks me like desert trees.

i wanted to lick your eyes
when I first saw you
& then,
i don’t know where it came from
but i began to feel like a spider,
when i shouted
"you’re beautiful,
you must sleep in my bed”

when I grabbed your hand,
you followed
starry-eyed.
I knew I was going to taste
every single inch of your body,
so i applauded nonexistent gods
in my heavy laughter.
(did they frown upon my intentions?)


your lips,
they’re red like mine
but you don’t know what to do
with your mouth.
i do,
i’ve been there and done all of that
in the season of orange peels,
it was sticky and it’s only just now
that i’m no longer stuck.

you spoke to me in tongues
i’m not sure you knew
that you took me back
to places I haven’t seen
since the last time
i made a claim
at the Lost & Found
so i still haven’t added you to the List

i hate resistance,
you’re beautiful for not being
so beautiful
but i want to know just what it is
that you see when you’re
covered in smoke,
when you’re sinking in a bathtub
when you’re putting sugar
in your coffee


don’t speak,
just give in,
appease me
while i exercise
well-honed techniques
up and down
that thing you’re trapped in
(this isn’t fair, maybe
feelings will follow)

it felt like returning home,
for the first time
portal, portal: your open body
it could have been the last time
but
i’m coming back for more

It takes all I have within me
not to give in to the vibrations
that throw me against the wall
saying, lick the residue of salt
that coats the back of his neck
like the condensation of a room
that we could bring to a boil.

It takes some serious restraint
to keep me from tossing aside
all abandon, shouting put
your hands on me and make
maps of pleasure dribble
out of my neglected body.
I’d return the favor in an instant.

Call it dual exploration.
Oh, I’m swelling and aching
hoping to provoke the tension
quivering on the line.
I want to taste your flavors
as they pour out of you.
I’m starving for so much more
than what this safety provides.


Let’s :
Pulverise the precedent.
Run with risk.
Rebel, revel with me
Split my thighs where they part.
Grow where you will.
Spill some swollen ***.
Pop me like a pin.
Sweat, swallow, breath
with absent eyes.
Be ferocious.
Whisper then scream.

I would do the same
and explode.
Feeling my heart rattle my chest.

Wrists exposed, I bled for months on end
Hoping maybe you’d put a stop to the leak
But that day never came and my suspicions
confirmed that maybe all that seeping black came from you …

As time passed, your words grew sharper, like knives
Bull’s eye of my chest, your aim was off
I’d known had I not fragmented my mirror
Sometimes feelings make clouds of my mind

In fields, where beautiful things once were born,
In fields, where I slept and dreamt endless dreams,
Battles ravaged on and all that greenery shed its surreal color
Those fields now salted dead by an eternal cascade

Before you lay yourself down,
check once, twice, thrice
that you’re not sleeping with the enemy
and that he has got a pulse

endless people in the red room,
spinning, a massive trap abloom
just spiders on acid, wrapping up their prey

the twinkling chandelier hung,
i’d like to hang about, maybe hang myself
dim the lights & let the Fools’ charade progress

glass drinks & the vapid women,
all with waists that shrink
drink, drink, they’ll skip their dinners

i’ll be choking in the corner,
hugging the wall or some nameless one
it doesn’t really matter at this point

scene bloated with endless empty words,
the hall set ablaze by this social abyss
crawling up the wall like vines with claws *

there are holes  everywhere
let me pass the hour blowing smoke rings
lest the poison I contain be spilt *

lest the walls crumble
lest the clocks tell the time
lest the song repeats

enlève ta peau & viens avec moi à la lune.
réveillons tout ce qui dort dans nos squelettes,

montre-moi ce qui te regarde dans le miroir,
& puis raconte-moi qu’ils te chuchotent,

as-tu peur du noir comme moi?
te caches-tu dans l’ombre comme moi?

sais-tu qu’un jour, on sortira d’ici?

english translation
take off your skin & come with me to the moon
we'll wake up all that sleeps in our skeletons

show me what looks back at you in the mirror
& then, tell me what they whisper to you

are you afraid of the dark like me?
do you hide in the shadows(the shade) like me?

do you know that, one day, we'll get out of here?

It’s constant battle between your mind and your chest.
Which one is holding the reigns?
That’s easy enough to know -which one is buzzing more ?
Are your ribs rattling or is your head swollen?
Can you not think straight or have you got blinders over your eyes?
Maybe both?

Have you let your feelings taint your thoughts?
Have you too sweat through sleepless nights
courting delusion, tasting insanity on your tongue?
Have you mumbled "well at least, I feel alive"
Did you feel ashamed of this authenticity?
Have you bargained for meaning?


Did "but I love him" tickle your teeth time & time again?
Were you screaming inside…?
Did your skull tell you to shut the **** up?
and did you listen? Could you?

Did you let your desire die?
Did you forget that feeling?
(***, primal, I crave intimacy
Adorn me with your burdens
Feed me what makes you alive
I am human too!)
Could he not see it?
Was this vulnerability not beautiful enough?

Did you beg one last time?
Just once more.
Love me, love me.
I’m carrying dust in my chest.
I’m composed of particles of me and you.

I was full of feelings, naked sentiments
that brought meaning to the electromagnetic field.
I saw it all for once, burning my perceptive orbs.
And then I gave up.
I gouged out my ******* eyes
Traitors, betrayal to the brain!

Did you empty out?
Did you carry a heavy void about for a month or two?
Does it still sting to stare?
Did you cower to complacencey,
bowing down to the boring humdrums of I’m okay ?

You know what I’m talking about.
Keep that beating heart in it’s place, lest it overwhelm your brain.
Don’t let them meet up because God knows, united they’ll stand
and divided you’ll fall.

so you pose that question
and yes, i feel quite well
what exactly were you expecting?

that I still be molting my petals
like some relentless flower
under an anonymous summer heat?

i think i’ve drank ‘til my thirst,
swallowed raindrops whole.
For which, I itched from the roots.

But these days, in a somber autumn
a passing, capricious wind
won’t ******* down.

I’ve got hands of my own
and I’ve been keeping them to myself
Sleep alone & let the dreams invade.

It’s enough to keep me alive.
And I still dance in the train.
I still gulp the eyes of strangers.

(none of which sparkle,
but I can see more than a face)
"Hold me, hug me, love me"

I don’t say it much more
'cause there's no use in asking
People only give what they’re looking for

on a scale of one to one-hundred,
no, one to one-thousand,
your lips tasted like cinnamon
Brought heavy feelings below my waist
til I thought I just might explode
Call orange the new numerals
and red the better alphabet
say A B C then 1 2 3
sickly sticky and sweet
Doughy flesh that melts in summer heat
How many moments does it take
to burn pasta on the stove ?
Enough for me to get up and watch you go
Run

We step away and then,
you close the door
(you always knew how to close)

The palm of your hand (I)
shut(s) my eyes
and I imagine you must be thinking
that my head is spinning
only, it’s not.

I’m tired this time around
and all that we’ve had,
in cups, in pantomimes,
in black bottles at the back
of your grandfather’s closet,
is beginning to weigh me down.
I am an anchor
lightly kissing
the bottom of an abyss
in a sea.
But you don’t swim
and I know you never will.

No, my head isn’t spinning,
but the world is.

Before, I thought it ceased
to halt when I found myself
alone with you
in that enclosure
I craved from the back
of my throat.

I was possessive of your presence
without good reason.
Never had any good reason
and here again, I’m without it
but I no longer allow myself
the delusion of believing
in the immortal exceptionalism
that I once painted
on your face.

The auto-intoxication has stopped.

We step away and you engage
my mouth once more.
It has never been the way
I’ve wanted.
I gave you permission
and you close the door.
(I am now closing my eyes).

I was blind
now I ignore
the way this body
has never been more
than a robust instrument.
I use it as such.
You dismiss my thoughts,
that is your mistake.

Your hand on the back of my neck,
pulling down to devour.
We always speak of ***
as in hunting terms.
A predator hunts his prey.
The prey traps her meal.
But I no longer resist
and I admit that violence
no longer shines.
It is nothing and makes
for one hell of a drowsy exchange.

You disrobe me,
these mechanics are boring.
The choreography of two
relative strangers (I hardly know
you in the end, we don’t talk)
moving their bodies in
a badly needed rhythm.
Pure imagination.
We dance for the other
without listening
and you step on my toes.
I crave the scratching halt of the song.

Your tongue is metallic.
This has been ugly since day one.
I shut my eyes, my head not spinning,
and its only now that I see.
I no longer wish to force
stimulation through the filter of my body.

You shut the door
and I shut out the world.

When I am alone & often in the dark,
persistent questions sneak into my mind,
screaming incessantly in a quiet whisper,
Maybe I am not ready for all of this ?
Maybe I’ll fail, fall down & end up picking
shreds of broken glass from my tiny knees
for as long as clocks chime & time leaps forward

Maybe I’ll bleed & never find the right way to
hide the scars that might manifest themselves
upon my already well-travelled body.
I have so many already & they may ask
Why does she continue to leap in bounds ?
Does she not see her skin is already tarnished?

Indeed, maybe I’ll never find myself in others
Maybe I’ll never know what comfort feels like
& maybe, I’ll never have peace within
but good god, I have never said no to
anyone, anything when I felt it call my name
I have lived, have laughed & have cried
as if every moment were the first & last

I have felt as much as I am capable of
Have given myself time & time again,
Have let others feed themselves on my vulnerability
(I imagine that my affection tasted like flowers
Sweet & in full bloom, freshly cut in springtime)
I hope that they ate to their full (& never forgot the taste)

It was of no cost to me (save an ephemeral sadness)
I always seem to rise from the ashes
& so maybe I am no Fool for having hushed
those Sirens’ voices in my mind
I fell down & yet, always stood up

Maybe I will be forever unsure of many things
but I know, I have always known
that I am a lover & I shall love
It is of no sacrifice & I am no martyr
only ever, a mortal attempting flight