leave it to me to awaken
with guilt and embarrassment
oh ****
what did i write
which words did i fumble
how often did i repeat myself
what did i direct towards my family
what did i withhold from my lover
who did i hurt
when did i stop
why are my pillows wet
can i be forgiven
even by me
maybejustahairofthedog

fixed.

you needed each other

though neither of you yet knew it
each ingesting what each season offered
growing beyond near defeats
each winter bare and shivering
each summer consuming broad and open
laughing all the while
showing bridges
between deep past and next season
neither existing without the water
the other poured willingly
one for the blinding yet nurturing
impending solar singularity
and the other for the pleasant aroma
and the welcoming blossom
and the predictability
the companionship
and when you
our beautiful ample matriarch left us
so did your sister
and her leaves fell
and then her petals
and her pistol
stamen
limbs
as if weeping for the loss of her confidante

when you
my mischievous sponsor
when you fell
so did your rival in beauty
i used a chainsaw
i tossed away her lifeline
turned off the faucet and tossed the hose
stacked her limbs on the curb
for the garbage truck

they wont let you
bury trees at the cemetery any more

i cant stop sneezing
it took me fifteen minutes to write that
its my birthday but i dont deserve it
i realize myself in sharp bursts
slices between when its all mechanical
closing one eye to type and record it
look at my filthy fingers
scrub cuticles and continue
what abhorrent keys
clean those
(sneeze)
behind me rhythmic tickling
(sneeze)
pirouette
(sneeze)