I was three years old and found the world to be oddly peculiar
Everything was infinite
Kisses were for showing someone you loved them
I found myself at my great grandfather's funeral and wasn't able to grasp the concept of death
And that really bothered me
It tugged at me, begging to be understood
I was five years old and mourning my grandfather's sudden and unexpected death
The world was still oddly peculiar
Things were still infinite
But I was ashamed of my grief-stricken tears
Kisses weren't poisonous yet
But I now understood how fast things could come to an end
And I felt the truth behind that inside of my heart
It had sharp edges and it never went away
I was six years old and missing my father's presence in my life
I taught myself to ride a bike while he sat in his office with the door shut as he always did
Everything remained infinite but loss was prevalent
And I missed something that wasn't there
Kisses didn't come quite as often
And I now noticed my thirst for approval and my need for affection
For I was lacking in both
I was eight years old and contemplating the world on a very profound level
Asking questions that I still ask myself to this very day
Kisses were now flagrant and everything was still somewhat infinite
But my shoulders already felt heavy with burden
Loneliness was starting to learn my name
And loss was still prevalent
I was twelve and thinking up stories as I would lie awake in bed at night
Searching for sleep
Things weren't quite so infinite anymore but at least I still had my innocence
Kisses were suspicious and sleep didn't come as easily as it used to
I was quiet but very observant, still profoundly contemplating the world and the entire universe in relation to my own existence
I was fifteen and trying to forget it happened
Kisses were longing and I was completely lacking in love
Things were no longer infinite and loneliness finally took me under its wing
It nurtured me slowly but surely
Forming sadness around my bones and a strong fortress around my heart
I was sixteen and infatuated with the idea of being out of control
My heart was bruised and beat up but the farthest from vulnerable
I felt alive again
But even so, nothing was infinite
And loneliness was now my dearest friend
Kisses were electric
I still possessed a small bit of my innocence
But I struggled internally
And the sadness would soon completely envelop me
I was seventeen and drowning in my loneliness
Choking on it every single morning
And shoving it down my throat every single night
Sadness was an inevitable constant
I knew it intimately
Sleep rarely came to me and things were tough
Life was difficult
Living was hard for me
Nothing was infinite anymore and kisses will always be dangerous but fleeting
I was seventeen and mourning the sudden and unexpected death of a dear friend
I was seventeen and grieving my grandfather's cruel and lengthy defeat to cancer
I was lost and depressed and I wanted to die
Young and reckless but hurting
And so very, very lonely
Still lacking in both love and affection
I was eighteen and hiding the fresh scars on the insides of my arms and the upper parts of my thighs
I felt hopeless and was consumed with guilt and self-hatred
I thirsted for an answer
An answer to why things were like this
Why I was the way I was
I could see no point in living
I was hanging on by a single thread
The taste of wine was prevalent on my tongue as I tirelessly looked for love in all of the wrong places
Losing myself completely along the way
I was empty and entirely consumed by my loneliness
It now held a dark shroud over my heart
With deception lurking in its paths
I was eighteen and ready to give up when I found myself in a big, leather chair in a psychiatrist's office
I was against the idea of medication
All I wanted was an answer
And it was when I finally got that answer that things started feeling a little better
At least I knew
I was eighteen and embracing my deepest, darkest secret with grace
Devoting my efforts entirely to getting better
Gaining stability again
I made several lifestyle changes
All the while, still asking…
Why me? Why should anyone have to live with this?
But my hard work paid off and I slowly became the very best me I could be
I was stable, I was disciplined
I am now nineteen and nothing will ever be infinite anymore
But the small tastes that I get to have of my now devoid innocence makes that all bearable
Kisses are frequent and I am overflowing with love
My loneliness is no longer noticeable and when it comes down to it, I can say things are so good
And mean it wholeheartedly
For the very first time in my life
*I am whole