Sometimes I wonder if anyone would care if I was dead. So many have left that I doubt there's anybody that would even notice. It might be the easiest way to get rid of all this. But then again, I've never been known for taking the easy way out. So no matter how tough it gets or how many people leave, I have to remember the ones that stayed. The ones that cared. The ones that still care. And I'll stay here for them. **** the rest of the world I don't need them.

At home
Alone
At school
Alone
Surrounded by people yet still so alone
I'm not sure why I hide myself
Maybe I think people wouldn't like the real me
So I bottle it all up inside
And very few people have seen into the black pit I call my soul
My best friend
My girlfriend
Certain close friends
But that's all
Everyone else sees what I want them to see
Even my family
They wouldn't understand the darkness roiling inside of me
That sporadically bubbles to the surface and takes control
They just think I'm having a bad day
Or something may have happened
They don't know that what they're seeing is only the tip of the ever-present iceberg
That no matter what I do to try and make it go away
The best I can do is cope
And hide it
And try not to let out
This beast I keep caged inside
For fear that I may never be able to cage it again if I do
There are only three people I know that I think could bring me back if I got that far
But I don't want to ever have to test that theory
What if they can't bring me back
What if they lose me
What if I lose myself...

I need you**

Need to lose myself in the tangle of flesh where I can't tell where my body ends and yours begins 
Have us be truly one person
Share all our thoughts and emotions and feelings Skin to skin once again 
I need to finish what we started 
Want to be on top of you
Under you
In you
Until we can't see a you and me
Only us. Only we.

So alone
Nobody home
Theres no one to talk to,
Not like I even have a phone
I want someone
Need someone near
Someone here
Someone to hear
To hear me
What I want
What I need
What I just can't have
I don't know why
I wish I could fly
Go up into the sky
Or maybe just die
And be truly alone
I don't know what's worse
To be surrounded and alone
Or stranded and cold
I don't know what to do
I can't tell you or you or you
I put on this face
We all run the same race
But there is no winner
There's no prize at the end
All I am is a sinner
But I'm a sinner with a soul
A soul that's been saved
I don't have anyone here
But God is always near
All I have to do is ask
He answers
I talk
He listens
I weep
He holds me
That's all I ever wanted
More than anything
To simply have a home
To not be alone
Not just a house
A place of my own
When that day has come
And I look for the sun
I know you'll be there
I know you're the one
So for now I cry silently
Shoulder my pain
Better silent than violent
I sob in the rain
Where no one can see the tears
My shaking looks like laughter
My smile forced and heart hurting
I put on my face
And hope nobody notices
But in the end
I'm alone
All alone.

I want to make you smile and I want to make you ***.
I want to hold your hand and I want to hold your hips down while you’re writhing.
I want to make your eyes light up and I want to make them roll in the back of your head.
I want to be your reason to wake up and your reason to stay in bed. 
I want to kiss your wounds and I want you to leave them on my back.
I want to play with your hair while you sleep and I want to feel it between my fingers while you are on top of me.
I want to memorize the repetition of your breathing and I want to memorize the sporadics of your moaning.
I want to see the arch in your grin and I want to feel the arch in your back before you collapse. 
I want to go out to dinner with you and I want to go down on you.
I want to to feel you in my heart and I want to feel me inside of you. 
I want to make you laugh and I want to make you scream. 
I want to still be able to taste you in the morning.
I want you in every form.