We drove to the beach with our jackets on and a backpack full of cheap leftover beer.

I knew you would talk most of the time, ill just listen drinking whats the remains of the honey mead.

I focused on the honey sweet taste more than your words, drinking them in and letting my step fumble and my little words slur.

A cold Florida winter at a chilling 52 degrees, thickening our blood and seeing our beer cold enough to drink.

I sat in that disturbingly dark room, with barely a wince of light shining through the thick curtains that were blue originally but now look dinged with yellow from the cigarette smoke.

Hearing the ***** and grungy guitaring with the out of tune and high pitched scratchy voice overbearing the whole thing sounded beautiful to me at the time.

I knew I was depressed at that very moment.

Even some sunny days have clouds that cast a shadow on the fields.

My fields though, were paved concrete that snake through everything.

I was in a relatively large city, heavily populated and concentrated in a small place.
It wasn’t anything like New York, or Atlanta or even Miami, but the thought of being in a big city excited me.

I would have rather be alone in a large city, than this mediocre town of old folk’s homes and schools for the growing children.

I was alone no matter what; I wanted to be alone sometimes.

To get out of the scorching sun and sit in the shade for a while calmed things down a bit.

I was so alone; I just wish I had someone to be alone with.

Where we are, where we are. Oh where I want to be.

So far away from home, and I’m happy.

Where I go, where I go. Oh where I should be.

So far away from home, and I smile

Who we are, who we are, oh who I ought to be

So far away from home, and I laugh

Who I am, Who I am, oh who I could be.

So far away from home, oh where I need to be.

They say everyone has that one that got away,
The big fish.
I had always dreamed of my very own big catch.
It can be anything really though,
I for one don’t even like fishing.
But,
I still had my big fish, metaphorically speaking of course.
Its water that it taunted me with were cities I have never been to, and quite possibly never will be.
This big fish didn’t even know I was on the hunt for it.
I was but one of the thousands of fisherman looking for the same one.
It’s been caught before, many, many times.
But always released.
Never to be held on.
As quickly as it settles, it is gone again, to another city, another town and even another country.
Sometimes, I daydream about catching it.
I imagine the joy I would have and the biggest smile I have ever seen on my own face.
I would dance, and let all my troubles just float away if I caught it.
I have tried several times; through trial and error I kept learning new ways to catch it.
I studied its patterns and learned where its next location would be.
But I kept getting held back, told it was just a crazy dream.
They were right though.
A crazy dream indeed.
But a dream I had since I was just a boy.
I hated this fish in the beginning, thinking it was ugly and wasn’t worth my time.
But with my age growing, so did this desire towards it.
It drew me in.
The stories, the legends and even the photos lured me in.
I even thought, maybe it was luring me in.
Did it want to consume me?
…
Should I let it?
Should I forget all my prior engagements, my responsibilities, the tasks at hand that need to be done?
Should I just leave it all?
…..
What if,
What if I was disappointed?
That I wasn’t worth the fight and the struggle that had troubled me for so many years?
….
Who knows,
I know this though, that I have found my big fish,
And well maybe it was good enough to me, to have something to think about.
I guess I’ll just let it play out, that no matter what, fate will lead me to it,
To this big fish.

You are my broken dream

You contain all what I need to get where I want.

You hold the broken metal and glass together.

Your make me go to my own breaking point.

To hold all the broken hearts.

You made me contain myself in this broken self.

We are broken together no matter what.

My patience has been broke by now
Sitting, listening, waiting,
Fixing a problem to start a new one
Waiting and listening and sitting to fix my patience
It’s all broke by now,
Broke my ears
Broke my legs
Broke my chairs
No longer fixing the patience
Patience is not a virtue
Patience is a law, and laws are meant to be broken
I’m all broken up but I’m relieved some how

I wish it would stay dusk forever.

I want to stare at the pale blue sky and watch it darken as black crescendos into its color.

The sharp orange glow softens the day to night, contrasting shadows above the houses and onto their cul-de-sac streets.

Young boys playing in their driveways as their back packs strew across their darkening room.
Little no-see-ums stream across the orange fuzz brightened white and swarming into their groups just in front of their faces.

I want that warm summer hugging feeling to stay wrapped around my back as I stare away from the orange ball.

That smell of dirt and grass as it fluffs into the air, thickening into my nose only fuels that wish.

That itch from mosquitos is a welcoming hand shake from the dusk.

I want it to stay dusk forever.

Starring at your dress, hand picked by your green and brown eyes, I couldn't look away as soon as they aligned with mine.

Talking with nervous breath, spoken by your quivering pink lips,
I couldn't stop listening as soon as i heard your voice.

Red cheeks as cherries, glowing in the Christmas lights in october,
I couldn't make then go away, as long as I was next to you.

Body heating to steam, as you pressed against me.
I couldn't cool off as long as you were touching me.

I couldn't let go, I couldn't forget, I couldn't stop knowing, I couldn't stop as soon as I started all those years ago.

Love.

I did it for you, why couldn’t you do it for me?

I lustered as any haughty teenager would over you, my secrete since I shared my cookies with you at school.

I risked it all and still kept my secrete, but can you “make” a secrete?

For awhile I thought it was just a friendship, of mutuality, and that’s why I invited you to my dreams.

I dream that I got you drunk, knowing you would be up for it, but what would I do after?

Would I let the walls melt away, and the lights dim, finally releasing myself.

Or would we just laugh, and go out into new towns finding any memories we could make as just “friends”

You were just the guy I would love to have a cigarette with outside.

I looked up to you in a way, listening to your lyrics and trying to tie myself in which I never knew I could.

To sit on a park bench and listen to you ramble on about nothing was good enough for me.

I wouldn’t bombard you with questions or ask for personal opinions.
****,

We could just talk about the cold weather for all I cared.

Its hearin’ your voice in person, and meeting the man behind the voice is all I wanted.

I’d even buy you a pack of stogues if you wanted.

Heh,

But I know that will never happen.

We kinda just went for it,

We didn’t stop, or cared.

He even lost a check with over 100 dollars on it,

But we laughed about it and knew it would eventually show up.

He even punched the horn breaking it to stay on

But we laughed as we made noise through the crowded neighborhoods

We pretty much grew up,

We grew in height but not in thought

He even has the video games we played as kids still,

But we still play it like its new to us.

He even still has the pictures of us getting high together,

But we mocked ourselves remembering the funny nights with all our friends.

We never stopped,

We just kept going, knowing it all would work out.

We kinda just went for it,
We didn’t stop, or cared.
He even lost a check with over 100 dollars on it,
But we laughed about it and knew it would eventually show up.
He even punched the horn breaking it, making it constantly stay on
But we laughed as we made noise through the crowded neighborhoods
We pretty much grew up,
We grew in height but not in thought
He even has the video games we played as kids still,
But we still play it like its new to us.
He even still has the pictures of us getting high together,
But we mocked ourselves remembering the funny nights with all our friends.
We never stopped,
We just kept going, knowing it all would work out.
Good bye, I know I’ll see you someday, when we all float on.

One day, maybe someday soon,
Youll see my picture hangin up on the wall, and pitch a smile across your glistening cheeks.

Tattoos and memories play through your mind, tell tale stories ringing in your ears while the guests laugh and play.

I could be done in my wooden room and let me sleep, lay beside me the things i always wanted to keep.

Or placed on hold, a waiting room of flesh and blood, keep me there for a full moons pass is all i ask.

Serve only gods greatest gift of whiskey and beer, except keep the bar stools away.

I loved those old tombstones, hidden underneath the trees, keeps the ones holding on dry in the rain.

Being loud sounds fun, let the drums play on and the shots ring out, 21 they say is the lucky number to bet on.

I always showed respect, and those shall follow suit, be joyous and happy and thats all thats due.

Take the flag off my chest, and fly it high even after ive been put to rest.

We were lovers caught by the seatbelt in the backseat

While everyone else slept in their sheets.

Midnight adventures of foggy mirrors and tainted tongues.

We could dance in eachother for as long as we wanted.

Crickets squeek in our prescence

While we try our best not to answer with our own squeeks.

I held you closer, in the backseat of the compact,

Then i ever did in the queen sized bed.

He had a lysterene breath, and a shadow across his face.
I could feel his calased hands grab around me. Even reached for my hand and held it.
Thats when the feeling of metal strikes me,
And it sent a message down my spine.

"A few hits of this will wake you up" he says.

He shoves a bottle into my nose while lightly grabbing the back of head and getting a few pinches full of hair.

I inhale wanting to sniff it.
A chemical smell at first. One that ive smelled before.
A slight shock widens my eyes and everything was heated.

My head became woosy.
My knees shaking. Sweat beading down my brow and slowly trickling down the sides of my face.

I didn't want to feel anymore
I ******* myself this wheel,
And buried my sorrows with the Ashes.

It was dark.
I could barely see the outlines of my own arms.
In a heated room with bent knees and curled toes.
I looked down and i could see my clothes.
Just barely, but i saw them.

I wore alot of grey. It blended in almost so well with the night.
Made me feel, hidden in a sort of way.

On the ride home i felt a burnt tongue.
Sweat still on my arms from my encounter.
All i wanted was a shower then. I wanted to be stripped of my moppy clothes and thrown away. I wanted my body to be scrubbed away of my awful deeds of the night.

To think later that it was only a dream crossed my mind alot.
How pleasant that would have been.
I wanted a fantasy to take me away to the beaches of my home city, to bathe in the fresh open moonlight, casting its dark shadows for those with wanderlust.
I wanted to be manhandled. To be felt like i was being taken care of. To be shown how its done.
But when i got there, it only scarred me.

To be glad it was just a dream is a luxury. To only have it be a nightmare. Being touched by an older man whom you thought you could trust. To be treated by force.

The noise of silence beating in my ears roars through my mind.
It was deafening.  
But those words of flattery only shatter the roar.

To be said so softly.

And everything change.
Ears perking. Brow squinting. And teeth grinding.

Maybe it was just a dream. I want to think that.

Forever.

Well I made a plan,
Didn’t go too deep in it either.
I just let it carry itself out.
I guess I should just let it go about its own way.
Because if it didn’t,
Well I guess I would be ******.

Take me to where nobody knows me
And all I need is sunshine

Take me to a place where nobody gives a ****
And all I believe in is me

I can take the fire out
I can take away all the ideas
Far away from here

I can learn a thing or two
I can walk round on all fours
Closer to what’s home for me

Sing a song for myself
To just scream and shout
And walk all around town

Stare at the lights in the city
Closed minds in small towns
Open up and about

Send the call out,
Let all our boys hear the noise.
Theres gonna be a meet up,
So put on your jackets and bring your lights,
Were gonna run free through these streets.
Send out the message,
To all our girls,
Theres gonna be a party,
So put on your fine dresses and bring your things,
Were gonna feel alive through these streets.
We live in cities thatll never be named on the television,
It’s a ruin of our family dreams.

It fell silent, and I don’t know when.
The streets lay empty and motionless.
The lights dulled to a deep orange, browned with age and creating a soft numbing image.
I stared and wondered why life had become so dull.
It became a life without a beat, frantically trying to make itself one.
Standing on my hearts porch, started to think and then again I couldn’t stop.
I took a foot off and with the first touch I quickly planted another.
The beats of my feet marched me.
Set me into a rhythm.
My own rhythm.

Something good about tonight made me forgets about you for now.

Was it the smell of vanilla perfume, contrasting your aroma of thorny rose musk?

Could it have been the sound of laughter and smiles muffled by the sound of music, opposite from the yelling and the sounds of tears softy landing on your chest?

Maybe, it was the taste of ashy breath from a cigarette I have never tasted before, forgetting everything I have ever tasted on you.

Something good about tonight, made me forget about you for now.

We’ll walk these streets till the lights come on
Take a detour through the long road

We’ll stretch our necks up starin' at the glass
Grabbing our shoes just to make sure were stuck to the ground

We’ll talk in parks till we reach the dawn
Takin' off all that we load

Well fetch far enough to make another pass
Grabbing out to the news to show what we've found

Go ahead, answer that phone call.
Swipe your finger across that screen and it’ll be signing your night away.
At a subtle7:30, the sun has already settled in its shallow watery grave, or is being lowered currently in its ball of fiery orange casket.
Answer that phone anyway, and say yes to whatever they have to offer.
It could be an adventure of a lifetime, or it could be a question of someone’s whereabouts.
You could watch from your window, the cars passing by and the overhead light flickering.
Grab your keys and go out, no matter where they are.
Step into the night and enjoy her lonely company.
Let the peach fuzz on your face be pushed up by the wind, and just go out.
Meet anyone and everyone anywhere.
Drive to the water only to stare in her vastness and welcome her sandy footsteps cover your feet.
Go to the brightest store and say hello to the cashier, make their night interesting with a conversation of commonplaces between the two.
Talk about their car or bike, talk about their job, or comment on the beauty of such a night.
Greet the rolling fog as it fills up these streets with a hazy glow.
Take a stand in the middle of the street and yell “HERE I AM” with arms stretched out as if holding the weight of the world in them.
Grab it all in, the smell of stale saltwater and the gritty stench of exhaust.
Travel to Central Avenue and awake to the nightlife of the inner city.
Bask yourself in their neon lights and flashing signs.
Embark yourself on a golden glory to adventure.
Treat yourself to wanderlust and feed that ever needing hunger of it.
Help yourself to its buffet, but don’t forget to share.
Company yourself to a stranger in need, whether they need their car pushed blocks to the nearest gas station, or drive a friend miles upon miles away to cities you barely even know about just to pick up his bag of clothes.
You see any night can become an adventure.  They can be filled with plot twists and surprises, good or bad. Take them all in, and don’t forget to answer that phone call.

Move me just a little to the left so I can get just a few more degrees of the angle on it.

Dig a hole under my feet so I let it tower over me.

Build a post below me, so I can see on top and beyond it.

Hang me upside down, so I can have a new view of it.

Push me back to see it afar.

Pull me in, to take a closer look.

Drive me by it, so I can watch it pass by like a blur.

Wash my car and wash my hands, I’ll go wherever I land.
Roll down the windows, play the music loud.
This is where we are
Let’s have a ride on this road, find a place to just leave a note.
Lookin’ out far ahead , never forgetten’ where I’ve been

Im clean yet *****
White fur yet ***** paws
Ashes
The world became a dream

Thoughts were too loud

No need to shed a tear
Ill cry on my own in fear
Thoughts became to loud
Didn’t now I could be in a cloud

I wanted to feel the heart in my chest
Brain locked up in its own death,
No time to rest

Time cries away its seconds and the days slow down to a creep
Years go up





I don’t wanna be
The man I was supposed to be.
I am guilty, of being me
Cant you see?

Im locked at my feet,
In a game that you cant cheat,
Whos supposed to win?
when its only versus us within?

Cut me loose from this chain,
I have it all there is to gain,
Oh this is inhumane,
I just want to give away all this pain.

I had to watch you float away from my fingers.
Your name grew heavy on my heart, and dropped my jaw every time I whispered your name.
I could feel my eyes go out of focus, and I just stare blankly at any object nearby.
Time flew past me, the days grew long, but the months became quick memories that molded together making it feel like just yesterday it happened.
I knew I could never speak to you again, so I only spoke to you in my dreams.
You didn’t have to say anything though.
Just watching you stand there on the pier, with your white sundress that came to just above your knees was all I needed to see.
Are you still as pretty as I remember you? Or am I just mixing the fantasy of my perfect woman and your imperfections creating a whole different you.
I never knew anymore, time has passed and  I have forgotten what it feels like to be truly loved by a woman.
Feeling her warmth, not just by heart, but to bed with you.
I even began to question was it even a woman I so yearned to bed with and feel loved, or to try and convince myself to bed with a fellow man, and only try to feel loved.
I didn’t care anymore.
I still stare blankly, now to a different view.
I stare into the blankness of my own mind, as if rolling back my eyes and looking into myself.

Its what I don’t see that scares me.

The nights of my youth  fill up my thoughts.

I’ve laid to rest to many times,

You said we can’t keep in touch, but I can’t let go.

You breath out and I breath in.

The thought of nights running across the streets.