next time, it will be different
i won't sit and watch you fall apart
i promise i promise
i will treat you better than this
5 minutes
my insecurities dictate
my actions and i secretly love
the pain, i promote
i lie, and i lie
wrap my fingers tighter
around your throat
and i know you don't deserve
this mess i keep you trapped in
but i need you
and i can't help it
5 minutes
i can change, and i love you
but we both know
half of what i say is truth
i get lost in my own words
i'm selfish
i'm unpredictable
i'm everything you love
everything you hate
i know how to rip you apart
and put you back together
again

i want to smother you
shove that pretty face
down into the comforter
that one, that was meant
to keep us safe
and absorb all the air
you think you deserve
and take it back
keep it all for myself
a fraction of familiarity
can't add up when
the numbers are slipping
though my tired and sweaty palms
if given the chance,
would we admit we were wrong?
we both know the answers
we choose to ignore
truth is only liable when
you acknowledge the existence
it's an obvious carnage
and i'm starving
for a breath of fresh air
for a second of attention
these lights are too dim
mixing well with bad decisions

when the calm disrupts my atmosphere
blistering the thoughts over
i've been here before
i suppose that i survived
through darker skies.
transfixed in this fury
eyes always astray
was there a hand to grab?
the distance is too strong
i exhale the miles
along with every irregular heartbeat
my broken body can produce.
it's enough to say
that i've taken enough.
and i keep taking more
watching these words pour around me
emptying the glass bottles
all over my ***** floor.
does it even really matter?
the water continues to rise
and there is no tipping point
and it's always mostly empty
pessimistic persuasion
i can and i will
bring everything you stand for
down to my level
drowning in these puddles
i have permitted to accumulate
for far too long.
i never look in the mirror these days
for, i am afraid
of those gray eyes that stare back
i don;t recognize, don't understand
don't dare to disagree
i know it must be a joke
yet this room is void of any laughter
any light, any voices
i wonder but never ask
is there anything more to this
pointless existence?
there are never any answers
only opinions
i couldn't care less to absorb
i am a grain of sand
stuck between the cracks in the sidewalk
stuck in this place
with these thoughts
and these feelings
and i swear there is no way out of here.

solidified in this margin of trash
swimming and suffocating
to the best of my ability
the way you want it
the way it's supposed to be
there's an aching pride
in this affliction of mine
take my hand, i can show you
show you what i have become
have you finally
forgotten my name?
scratched into this wall
perhaps a little too shallow
motivated by irritation
but apparently too much
to cast a shadow
i'm done holding restraint
and fighting the image
of your face
so face me, stop hiding
behind your fraudulent confidence
i've tasted death
and it tastes like you.
a permanent bruise
branding my being
to the point of useless
i refuse to look at you.
i refuse to become
part of your massacre.
i swiftly stepped into your trap
once, with eyes so wide
convinced you held a light
i watched as you charred
my now empty life.
i stared. you smiled.
i've tasted lies
and they taste like you.

harboring buzzing inside this overcast
nest, there's a helpless admittance to this distress
obsess over fine lines and broken silhouettes
chipped away at my nails
until they were sharp enough
to defend myself
atop uneven shelves, my eyes close
strained swallows. escape with the length of these meadows.
panic has pulsed a new beat in my chest
a polluted first chapter, in the beginning of the end.
unlearned lessons in lengthier sessions
defeating all purpose I've stood for and time on this earth, it's
the foundation never built
just imagined in cheap plastic
eventually all that's left is collapse.
Eyes wide and blank with programming haze
only difference is a different day
ingest anything to escape, these lines traced
for us to follow. such a hollow structure
caved in to the point of where i stand.
alone, fragmented, cold
but standing. selfishly involved. stubborn.
outcomes of the aftermath have become
less of a concern.
and more of a contrast.
learning absolutely nothing
inner violence has trespassed
over all else. scratching out numbers
and names, all facts dissipate
rummaging pores on my skin
trying to locate the best vein to deflate
we can't hold on to what doesn't exist
pawns; we run circles, we destroy and we fix
we can talk and pretend
that virtue remains. optimism for a minute
I've outgrown this ignorant mindset.
regretful intellect igniting a shipwreck
hope is wrong.
sunlight is lost.

the sirens are screaming...emphatic, shooting waves in blades over my skin. The horizon sinks in. A little too left, and I left too late - my foot pressed so firm against these brakes - but I pause in place. The river is tumbling over my thoughts are so chaotic in the wet weather i can manage to pull it together. Times and places pushed into names and faces, i remember, i am forgetting, i am hoping for obliteration. My drink is heavy and so are these door handles i can't manage to turn. They say, lessons learned. My internal clock ticks slow and aimlessly and with every single thought, it pounds in my ears. tick, tick. Out of sync with my heartbeat. Confiscating my dis-beliefs with an echo shivering every inch of my skin. GROUND CONTROL, and rest your eyes. I have felt nothing more and nothing less than everything. I have reached into the darkness and held out my hand for satisfaction, for excitement. These voices don't seem to want to quit and i refuse to give a single ounce of my energy to a promise, a reason, that doesn't enhance my being. I'd apologize but i have never felt less apologetic. Those selfish fictions thrown into the toxic air don't settle anybody's soul. Advancing through every day with these cold chains wrapped around my wrists, i have found it difficult to reach that warm cloud of forgiveness. I can't complain, but i will tell you the truth....I am sick of this. Foundations built, crumbling as fast as this rain can fall upon my sober skin. Wishes, wants, cries, desires. There is an army conspiring and no amount of ignorance can buy us new blank pages, this is our destiny. What was made for us. Lines blurred between real-life and realizations, I would like a strong dose of free will and emancipation, please. CURE THIS, CURE US. This disease. It lingers on my breath. I keep up with the mint, but it always comes back. haunting. laughing. discriminating. I have found comfortable harbor in pain. What pulls us, pushes us, scares us, binds us together. The circle inside that we attempt to ignore is the very thing that saves us. We are one but we will never win. Drive every last drop of thought from my skull before driving that pointed edge in. Before the blur replaces the bored. Because we decided to give up on thought. We chose to ignore. Dead as the sun, and dead as the sea. The circle continues.

Sunshine does not inspire me. Broken lighting. Broken teeth. An empty shell used for armor and reflection counting the numbers on the circle shapes, ticking away, promising things we cannot comprehend. There's a lesson to be learned and we will inevitably learn nothing. Smooth and salty guidelines wrap my fingers around your jawline. i have seen bliss. I have seen suffering. I choose nothing. I rise above, tapping my fingernails on the closed doors. Begging for an outlet. Hoping for a way out. breathing in the noxious dust that has been settling for years. Attention to the tamed beast: this leash has unwound and all threads have been torn. Round the square and look to the west; a nest intended to be built. So high on filth -- our hands are numb. Flower petals scatter across this walkway, covering the bread crumbs along with any dreams you've left behind. WAS IT ALL IN YOUR MIND? Retract. Repel. I am shallow. Like these puddles i use to stare at my reflection. devouring lessons just to spit **** right back at these textbooks. I have the upper hand, where it can meet your lower jaw. an outstanding applause for such a dull audience. one shot, two shot for some common sense. I am ready to meet your leader! I am ready to stand apart! Breathe new electrons, ******* them into my lungs. They are greedy. The morning fog knows me better than any human being and the thunderstorm that lives inside of me won't stop humming. Along to the bass line. perfect rhythm, sentences separated. I feel the best when I feel nothing.  Taking time out, like middle of the second half....losing, always losing. Always stronger. Bruised waistlines and scraped knees. Your eyes remind me of the best of me. Falling forward into invisible arms that reach out from behind blue curtains. Raised fists and clenched arms - opposing needs of a dying youth. I knew the truth. I tore it apart, brain cell by brain cell. Less to forget. More to be sure. I have these broken wings that serve no purpose but to be adored and envied and misconstrued.