I'm a prisoner within my own mind.
What if's and Could have's swarm me
stinging  me with situations that will never come into existence.

They nest within my hippocampus.
Their lies seeping through,
filling my thoughts with everything that never happened.

They feast upon my memories,
replacing them with sacs of false dreams and over thought.
If only I could exterminate these little monsters.

For once I'd like to be free within my own body.
But as long as they stay within me I shall never be free of their hold.

You taste of cigarettes,
it disgusts me to no end.
But still I come back for more.
I can’t help but crave your poison.
I’ve grown addicted
and accustomed to your influences.

Your kisses send me into frenzies.
Each time
I am filled with
self hatred,
loathing,
and pity.

I hope that one day I will be able to escape
from your constricting hold.
But for now
I will stay content,
just within the reaches of the dangers
playing around with you brings.

Distance truly does make the heart grow stronger.
It’s been close to three years and still I can remember the way your arms felt  
around my waist,
pulling me closer.
I  remember how my heart skipped when you locked hands with me,
or when you laid upon my chest.
I crave for that closeness with you again.

It drives me crazy knowing that you are so far away.
I just want to cover you with my affection,
and take away the issue that burden you.
I’d give just about anything to erase the barriers that keep us away from each other.

If I weren't so weak
I’d scream those three earth shattering words for the entire world to hear.
Oh, how I want you.
Oh, how I miss you.

Unrecognizable is the monster looking back at her from behind the glass.
Once shimmering eyes now lack the strength to shine; hollow and empty.
Skin that once glowed,
now dull and grey.
The beauty that once graced her
now a mere memory.

Bony fingers
pull and ****
at what little is left of her  body.
Clutching at the bones beneath her paper skin
she screams.

Tears roll down her face
as she claws at the glass before her.
She cries aloud for it to go away.
But still it stands there,
taunting her.

I spoiled my love for anyone who was foolish enough to attempt loving me after you.
No matter how hard they strived to fill the void you created there was no changing the sad fact that they’d never amount to you.

My heart aches
knowing that they will never stand a chance against you,
the demon who slowly inched into my subconscious.

Your phantom’s caress burns deep into my skin,
leaving my nerves numb to anyone else’s touch but yours.
Your voice entrances me with each syllable to wander,
farther and farther into the pits of my own personal hell.

No one can save me.
For I am far beyond anyone’s help now.
I became my own victim
when I made it impossible for anyone else to fill the hole you created within my heart.

I am a fighter.
I will not go quietly.
You will hear my voice.

Opinionated,
but filled with much grief and doubt.
What am I to do?

Emotional train wreck.
That term best describes the mess of emotional nerves that is me.
One minute I am calm, flowing through life as graceful as a leaf gliding on an autumn breeze.
But in a sudden blink of the eye I become a train wreck.

I am careening off the tracks of my life.
The impending crash brings on the pessimism of my disease.
Anger, depression, and grief all these emotions fill me as the train comes to the break in the tracks.

And suddenly without any hint of salvation the brakes are pulled into action.
Calm fills me once again and I am at peace; happiness showing on my face, I am relieved for a moment that the ride is finally over.
I have a moment’s time to compose myself before the ride begins once more.
There are never any malfunctions on this ride.
I will always be stuck on this never ending train ride.

The brew within is,
resurrection in a cup.
I am now complete.

I am that helpless fly struggling to break free from a spider's web.
The one that awaits inescapable predetermined death.

I am the moth who quietly hovers above a candle's open flame.
The one who could care less about if its wings caught fire or hadn't.

I am the girl.
The one who silently sat by as her heart shattered within her chest;
pain filling her.
Pain that bore a familiarity to the first time she gained hope that everything would turn out for the better.

I am the girl.
The girl who would carelessly make the mistake of letting you back into her conciseness.
The girl, who no matter what she progressed through, continues clinging to the fondest fleeting memories.
Ones that only, with imitational happiness, shroud the grief and agony she has been put through.

I am that foolish girl,
who even after all this time still welcomes you with
open arms and tear stained cheeks.

Sippy cups to shot glasses
Skinned knees to broken hearts
Puppy love to marriage*

Why must the bliss be replaced with
Remorse and sorrow?
What ever happened to the time of cooties and boys being “icky”?

Soon baby dolls will be replaced with infants,
And sports cars will take the place of your hot wheels.

Sleepovers turn into obscene rumors.
Chubby cheeks turn into eating disorders.

I’m not ready to grow up yet.
I want to stay naive to reality,
Let me stay ignorant.

It’s inevitable that we have to grow up sooner or later
But why sooner than later?

Here for a moment,
Just borrowing fleeting time.
Blink and you are gone.