I thought I could do it.
You picked me up in the same car we made so many memories in this summer.
The same car that creaks when you shut the door.
The same car that seats are too low and I have to strain my neck to see over the dashboard.
The same car I decided I was in love with you in.
It was bittersweet.
I thought i'd be okay.
I thought it'd be easy.
We were supposed to sit in awkward silence
and turn up the radio until we got to her house and I could break from the tension.
But instead you were charming and you made cackle.
And you got behind the wheel and drove like you owned the road.
The wind howled through the open windows and I was in the most blissful state of mind.
I never told you how much I loved to just watch you drive.
I could sit for hours in that very passenger seat and just watch the road disappear under the tires.
You got out of the car and walked into the gas station and the first thing I thought to myself was
"**** **** **** **** **** ****..."
That familiar feeling in my heart began to sweep over my soul and course through my veins.
I breathed in the scent of gasoline and cinnamon.
I glided my fingers across the soft leather of the steering wheel and sat back and thought of how
I fit so perfectly in that seat.
Like it was made for me.
Like you were made for me.
You glided effortlessly into the car and cranked the engine.
It roared to life
and chills danced up my spine.
I couldn't face you.
I couldn't look in your eyes.
Because I knew if I did I would be hooked again.
I knew your deep brown eyes would seep into me and cause me to shiver.
So I stared out the window and watched the world pass me by.
Mindless small talk kept me busy from thinking about how incredibly not over you I was.
I'm incredibly not over you.
I miss you.
And that car.
And the sweat spots on our backs from the sun and the leather.
It was bitter sweet.
And as soon as you dropped me off my breathing returned to normal
and the feeling in my finger tips came back.
As I watched your taillights fade into the distance I ****** in the cold night air,
and turned to the sky, hoping to fill the void in my stomach with the stars.
As much as I hate to admit,
I'm yours.
I'm still yours.
I'm still incredibly yours.

Leather and Lace
It's a killer embrace
wrapped up in sin
a mischievous grin
lock the door
clothes on the floor
your eyes are on me
my heart beats wildly
pull me close
breathe my name
I've never been one for your
stupid
little
games
The bed is soft
your hands are rough
"God you're so beautiful"
I don't dare call your bluff
shallow breaths
and heaving chests
there's lust in your eyes
fingers caress my thighs
you smell of leather
as you pull down my lace
I snap my eyes shut
and drink in your taste
once I was cold
but now I am burning
burning and yearning
for more of that embrace
it's killer
it's wicked
and I can't get enough
my insides are stirring
my heart skips a beat
my mind is far gone
I realize you've won
but so what if you did
because in the moment
in that very
moment
I've never needed you more
The feel of your pulse
it races against mine
my heart thuds once more
and then I open my eyes
hooded stares
shaky limbs
I fall to your chest
and breathe in your skin
it warms and tingles my inner core
sending a shock wave until
I
can't
take
any
more
lust and love
I couldn't tell the difference
i just wanted you to stay
and hold me
and wash all of it away
the sorrow
the pain
the loss of innocence
the darkness beneath
and the lack of what once was
the feel of your body
it lingers against mine
as you reach for your leather
and I pull on my lace
I turn to your face
to see the emptiness still remains
You pull me in your arms
one last time
no words are spoken
and the silence echoes
Your arms fall to your side
and in one long stride
you unlock the door
The silence is broken
by the slam of the door
a mirror falls off the wall
and just like my world
it shatters
I'm alone again
and left to contemplate
is it even worth it anymore?

I can feel myself slipping again.
Kind of like how you slipped through my fingers.
Numbness is sweeping over my skin.
It makes me cringe..
I don't know what to do
or how to handle this
I hate it.

I'm tired of feeling lost
I;m tired of feeling empty
I'm tired of feeling hopeless
I'm tired of feeling tired.
I need to leave
I need to break away
I need to get the hell out of here
I need to find purpose
I don't know how
I don't know where
I don't know when
I don't know what
but i know it's time.
It's long overdue
I can't wait to get the **** out of here.

alone in your arms
alone i lay
alone here tonight
i don't need you to stay
maybe i''m numb
maybe i'm crazy
maybe it's the way
my vision goes hazy
but i know you're here
i can feel your touch
your arms hold me tight
but it's still not enough
i still feel empty
i still feel that void
i'm drowning in confusion
my sanity has been destroyed
i can't shake this feeling
it rots me to the core
and despite your strong arms
i don't want this anymore
i've been tossed to the side
and thrown in the trash
it's been a hell of a ride
but there's no turning back
and maybe you're different
and maybe i'm wrong
and maybe you're the reason
i listen to love songs
but until i can breathe
and my hands stop shaking
my back will be turned
cause i can't stand faking
i can no longer deny
the ache in my bones
"it's not you, it's me"
i sound like a drone
i'm a train off it's tracks
derailed by my thoughts
i don't want to hurt you
but i'm  twisted in knots
i'm an unsolvable puzzle
a mystery to myself
so walk out the door
there's nothing here left
it kills me to say
you're not what i'm missing
so please forget about this
no more reminiscing
one night of bliss
won't set the course
don't look in my eyes
they're filled with remorse
so alone i'll remain
alone here tonight
i'm sorry my darling
the time is not right
but don't give up hope
cause someday you will see
i'll move past this
it'll be just you and me
i'm fighting real hard
to figure this out
but i can't lead you on
or fill myself with doubt
so hold me if you want
it's at your own risk
but when the sun rises
i'll be dust in the wind.

starry eyes
starry eyes
oh how i love those
****
starry
eyes
they shine
and they gleam
they make me want to
scream
they pierce through my skin
they caress every vein
those
****
starry
eyes
sparkling like champagne
your stare is electric
it cuts through my core
i can feel it in the air
there's nothing i don't adore
about those
****
starry
eyes
i can't look away
from those
****
starry
eyes.

Today someone asked me
"Do you consider yourself to be a happy person?"
I told them yes
But the answer is no
Before you
I was so positive and I had a smile plastered to my face
During you
I've never felt more alive and so content
After you
I turned into this self-loathing excuse for a girl
who once had eyes that shined so bright
I turned dull and lifeless
and sad
and not happy
And I don't want to be that person anymore
I want to be the me I was before you
The version of myself that I loved the most
That you loved the most
And not because I want you back
But because I want myself back
You are nothing
Nothing but a memory
Like an old book lying dusty on a shelf
And I am something
Something worth it
For someone who can see that
I don't hold anything against you
In fact
I love you
And I will always love you
But I will never be in love with you again
Because I am better than this
I am better than what I put myself through
I am better than my scar scattered thighs
I am better than the pages of hatred I wrote about myself
I am better than you
But she is better for you
And I wish you all the happiness in the world
I let go of you a long time ago
But I never stopped blaming myself
Until now
And maybe toward the end I was ******* crazy
But I guess love makes you do ******* crazy things
And someday
Someone will love that about me
It wasn't you.
It was never you.
That's okay.
I'm okay.
And I'm about to be a lot better.
So ******* world
**** the people who put me down
**** myself for putting me down
And ******* for not seeing what you're missing
Because I'm something worth missing
I'm worth it.
I am.
I.R.G
eat your heart out.

It's the
scent of bud light and cheap cologne
that brings me back to that night
The night you told me I was beautiful
The night you told me to stay
And so I did
I stayed
Because I was intoxicated
Partly from the alcohol
and also from the feeling of your body against mine
The way you held me strong in your arms
And pulled me to your chest
And smiled
And laughed
And stared
Until you couldn't bare it anymore
and neither could I
You grazed your hand lightly against my leg
and you told me
You told me you weren't afraid of my scars
You told me you weren't afraid of my past
You weren't afraid of my darkness
But you were afraid of clowns
And I laughed and I beamed
And I was glad you didn't see
the tears that fought so hard to escape
I swallowed back my lump
And kissed your perfect lips
I wished I wasn't broken
I wished I could be everything you needed
But I'm not
And I might not ever be
I can't see past the fog
But i'm trying my damnedest
My scars overcome me
But so do you
It's a battle in my heart
And it rips at my chest
But I look into your eyes
And I see a future full of
hope, and light, and happiness
And maybe one day I won't be so
*Broken.

baby I know
you've been burned in the past
but tonight i will show you
some things can last
so take my hand
i'll lead the way
don't look back
let's get out of this place
your eyes shine like stars
against the flicker of the street light
and just like this city
we'll be up all night
lets drive to the edge
of anywhere, but here
tangle ourselves in passion
and throw caution to the wind
with your foot on the gas
and the wind in my hair
let's turn up the music
and drowned out our fears
the tears, and the lies
the scars, and the bruises
let's leave it behind
in the rear view mirror
don't be scared
just breathe in the cold
look in my eyes
you'll find something new and bold
my heart's on my sleeve
and my hands on your chest
i lean to your ear
and whisper "what's next?"
with no plan in mind
and no destination in sight
we'll  race the moon
stopping only for the starlight
kiss me slowly
grab my waist
i'll chug back that whiskey
only for the taste
as we lay in a field
under the star kissed night
i reach for your hand
drunken delight
we can run and run
but we can never hide
so let's never look back
let's run for life.

don't get your hopes up
don't bank on my love
don't tell yourself that
i'm the only one
cause i swear to you dear
and this time it's true
you're a warm summer's day
i'm a hailstorm
i will ruin you.

You don't love her
I promise
You tell yourself that to ease the tension in your chest
It builds and it burns each time you utter those three famous words
I can see it in your eyes and I can feel it in your touch
Your balancing on the ledge, not holding on to much.
But what's gonna happen when you run out of time?
And you fall and you break, but I'm so far away.
I'm not gonna be here to tell you what to do
Or lay on your bed and press myself close to you
I'll be finding myself and falling in love
And you'll be a distant memory that boils my blood
So figure it out dearest, and please let me know
Will you fallow your heart instead of your safety zone
And take a risk and lay with me tonight
?

You look so familiar
You resemble someone I used to know
used to love
used to cherish
But who are you now
and
Why are you hiding
You still look so dazzling on the outside
but on the inside
You're vacant and lost
And angry and bitter
Where is the guy who could see past the ugly
And held his head high above the rest
The man who stole my heart and swept me away to a place where I felt
Beautiful
?
?
?
?
I know I've seen you around
Maybe in my dreams
Maybe on the street
or maybe in my bed on that one summer night
that was too hot to go outside
so we stayed in and read stories to each other
and laughed and held each other in the candle light
because the power kept going out
.
.
.
.
Maybe I've met you before.
You resemble someone I used to know
You look so familiar
.

Time is funny
Time is cruel
Time snatched you away
Now what the **** do I do
I thought you would stay
I thought this was forever
But I'm a moth to a flame
And your a heavy endeavor
...

There you are
High above me
High above us all
and
You don't even do it on purpose
Hold yourself there, I mean
You just are
You just radiate light
and
You don't even do it on purpose
You're like my own personal sun
My own personal smile
My own personal fill to the void
and
You don't even do it on purpose
I can feel my pulse
I can feel yours too
Your eyes shine in the darkness
and
You don't even do it on purpose
I need you here
I crave your touch
To lie in your arms and breathe in your scent is ecstasy
and
You don't even do it on purpose
You just are. You just do. You just exist
and that's enough for me.