I’ve Realized

Friends are
Complex things
or
Transparent things
A dragonfly wing
One layer with which
One shows you
One facet of
One face

Can you hear me if I don’t exist?




hhmmmmmmmmmmm

This day the sky rains down.
Oh this drama queen
eager to share
Anger for her paramour
who sings among the deserts
and sweltering summer days.

This day I sing
Or try to sing, because
This day in her jealousy
She blinds me with her tears
and drowns my song with
her own cheerless tune.

Spiteful sky!
Know not that I'm here
to weep with you?
This day to dance, to laugh
then to rejoice when your mood lifts
When this cold gale ceases
And I'm free to lift my song
Once again to my own eternity

A tumultuous existence
The malady of my soul
She smiles, her moist lips
Ready to strike you down
With viper’s wine

And I? I look on, pierced through the stomach
As the blood starts seeping out
Demonstrating her victory, and my loss.
That notorious ****
Even now caressing your eyes
And stealing your tongue

And I? I find myself fleeing once again
Flying from my own tomb
That wears your gravestone.

Call forth a eulogy
Her name is dead.

Eyes dripping blue
What loaded words!
Tears forming pools in which
Hard-handed men examine their own
Namelessness.
Their place in this world
Is drowning amid the waters
Of a well-wrung soul.
That name, that identifier
Will never capture her.

Eyes, lipid pools of starlight
Mixed with the blue grey of a dolphin’s back
Swimming in the storm of her irises
Those flowers that bloom
In the milky white of tainted purity
which hold a black hole in their round chests
Swallowing soul and spirit indistinguishable

Largeness
It’s a mighty fine word
        Until today, that is
That is, today as in society (nowadays)
We are
        “encouraged”
To be small.
        Small waist
        Small nose
        Small arms
        Tiny brain
They can’t handle this muchness
This lushness
They’re afraid of our size
The history of our hills
And mountains of skin
Lofty mountains
A landscape to make an artist sing.

But as they shove us into our
        Small shirts
        Skinny jeans
        Tiny shoes
They forget that this size, this extra-largeness
        Cannot be contained.

We’re busting out of here.
We’re claiming our space with our
        Large feet
        Large *******
        Huge hips
        Our love handles and our lard

Fear our stature
   Our sweetness
   Our ****** wiles
   Our swagger

We are deep people


Large women.

It hurts to love
To draw deep from the well
Of another’s spirit
To mix your own sweat with their
Sweetness
And taste
Something no one imagined
Together

Entwined
My hand still enthralled with yours
Even here
Even now
On this sickbed
I am nauseous with this viris:
The thought of losing you.




Soon I will be nothing but
bruises and holes





…




I ............. I...............I
am.......... am.......... am
sic­k......... sick......... sick
of.............with
fear.........­ fear

In that moment, just before despair
Words form their own unique cadence of light
That moment before literature and belief
(the literature of belief)
Where the light dawns
Even if just a spark
These things that change
An influx of influence
Fragments of thoughts and memories
(smell of the sea
Shining gold-spun tresses)
That fickle muse
A vessel of feathers
Expectations of things to come
How do you capture it?
How do you keep it?
How do you hold
Inspiration?

do you remember me?
  I Am your cancer cell
malignant
  malicious
buried
  gorging

i am
your own poison
toxic to you
Alone
(“drink me,” it whispers)

peruse galleries of obscurity
nothing is right

i am
a kiss from your villain
a door with a crack
(letting darkness in)
a hesitant glance
a viscera-viewing mirror


and
remorse

Greyblue overwhelms my eyes
as fog and cloud covers the sand
Stretching beside me
I step forth, leaving family behind
Lost in wonder.
Salt intoxicates, tempts my nostrils
Enticing my feet forward
The coarse sand grows soft
As it greets the water,
Melting at its touch
- my toes relish the taste-
Natural
Water rushing around me
Below me
Through me
Rising as I willingly sink in
The endless ocean hypnotizing me
Like the sirens it holds, singing to
The voyager within
A voice, now not so sweet
Stern, concerned, worried,
-motherly-
Calling me back, forming
Crossroads to my young mind
Amphibious
A tadpole
Drawn between reality and - safety?
Pulled back
The sand chafes my skin
As I walk back to the world I know so well,
And the future that remains a stranger.

“I touch their cardboard faces”
That voice, a heavy voice
(a mother-sister voice)
Telling me to find meaning in faces
I cannot see
I cannot experience.
Yet, imagination runs wild
In circumstances thus.
I see memories of faces
That once I knew,
Once I experienced,
But that now have become motionless, processed,
Stills of a memory
That will never be real.

She sits in a red dress
That shows more of herself than she’d like.
She’s happily, newly married, but only for a while
Once the week is done she’ll hang up her dress
And sigh.
She waited for the unicorn
And has seen many ***** pass by.
She has seen the *** inside herself.

I linger, as in the night, as
Ghosts of arms surround me, as
they sigh and scream,


*In the clearing, the moon wanes soft as it greets the grass salted with tears
I reached out my hand, and -

I almost touched it.  *


“Hold on, hold on, wait for him
He is coming.”

I’ll stay no longer in this star-scarce company.
The roots of celestials have buried themselves in my heart
And galaxies have formed in my mind.
I find myself shooting amid suns.


*The unicorn turned into an ***
Before I could pull my hand away.

I am burned.  *

I am left waiting.

Heaviness draws its quilted blanket
Over my dreary eyes
Fire that does not burn, a need
Consumes my chest, my head, my thighs
As the sigh within my breast brings out a darker note -
A note that serves as the anchor to my night-ballad.
Like a huge bell it rings
Slow and steady as the wind sighs its harmony
And my soul tries to sing along.
A slow steady march of a determined sleep.

…

Conscious again
Smolder’d remains
Growing pains
Slowly rise
Moans escape
Warmth away

Cold sensations
Reach the floor
Still weary
Light reaches eyes


Squint


It’s morning.

I placed my hand
Into the pool of my discontent

I pulled it out
Your eyes staring into mine
unyielding, unsearchable

I shook it away
The memory of your stare bores into me
impenetrable, invulnerable

*It annoys me to death.

Nay, let
It not be said that this
Confounding day is ours - give it to another.
Only let the seeker, the brave-heart search- yet this
Lady has found it long before.
Evermore shall she sweat, the
Beat of the drum in her chest and feet,
Adamant in making her move. And so, with
Kites flying in her soul, free spirited,
Everlasting she will dance in heaven’s courts
Ready to face the mystery beyond.

We have always had small smiles to give each other
Small smiles which betray nothing

Nothing but our hearts.