It is four in the morning and I'm alone
It's dark out
The city lays quiet and sullen with sleep
I'm awake
Awake

Still awake
The sun has yet to rise and won't for another two hours
I move with such grace and ease that the grass doesn't have to strain against my weight
I hear a vehicle fast approaching
A shed to my right
Silently duck behind it
Security van passes by
My heart is pounding in my ears
My breath has never sounded so loud
So utterly loud
So ******* loud
Can't stand it
Security must have heard
But I really know they didn't

I fall to my hands and knees and crawl out from my temporary shelter
The morning dew stains my hands and pants
Don't notice
Don't think

There are bundles of old plywood tied with twine that border the asylum drive
Crawl behind them
Streetlights illuminate my way
They deliver a soft, humming sound that enters through every pore on my body
It's loud
So ******* loud
Hands to ears
Doesn't stop
Won't stop
Keeps ******* humming
Ignore it
I learn to ignore it
Don't hear
Don't think

I position myself in front of the plywood bundles
Asylum drive
Fifteen foot mesh link fence
It's 4 am
I know
I'm awake

Fifteen feet of fence
Steel mesh
Steel mesh so tight, I can barely stick my pinky finger through a hole
There are three horizontal metal bars placed at five foot intervals on the opposite side of the fence
No way up
No way down
The gate is locked and closed
No way in
No way out

I know better
There are a few sturdy looking metal hinges on the massive gate
My hands are laced with sweat
Start to shake
My limbs vibrate in rhythm with my heart
It's compulsive
Compulsive
I stand in front of the gate and look up
It reaches to the heavens
Too tall
Can't climb
The steel is cool and wet to the touch
Can't climb
The bottom of my shoes are slippery
Slippery on the metal
Can't climb
My left foot misses and finds air
I reach, straining myself
Expand
My mind is breaking, seeping strength
Sweat burns my eyes
It hurts
It ******* hurts
Twitch
Can't climb
Mind slips
Slips away
Blood
On
Me
Don't feel a thing
Can't

I'm straddling the top bar of the fence
Until now, I've never been afraid of heights
I stare at the ground, fifteen feet below me
My head is spinning
Look up
Spinning
Panic is settling inside of me
Paralyzed with fear
Paralyzed
Can't move
Breathe
Think
Feel
It's so slippery
Don't want to fall
Don't want to die
Scared
Can't go down
Can't

I let go
I slipped and fell
Falling
Fell
Hit
Ground
Face
First
I'm cold and numb
It hurts
It ******* hurts

My left eye is cold
My eyelashes have been ripped out
My eyelid is a ******, fleshy mess
Bleeding profusely
It's sticky
Wet
Gross
My mind is racing
I'm soaked
Soaked in sweat
Dew
Thoughts
Pain
Time
I'm gross
Awake

The facade of the building is straight ahead
I move numbly towards the entrance
The doorknob is lifeless and still in my grasp
It doesn't move or budge
Door is locked
Back away
Have to get in
Calling for me
Waiting for me
Beckoning
Persuading
Wanting me
Needing me
I must
No
I need to get in.

My mind snaps back to reality
There's an open basement window to my left
I climb in without any hesitation
Dark
Dank
Damp
I lean heavily against a firm wall
I cannot see my own hand in front of my face
Eyes don't adjust
Eyes close
Collapse
Asleep
Unconscious

Awake
Time passed
It's daylight
I've lost sense and track of time
I smell like my surroundings
I'm moldy
It's moldy
I'm damp
It's damp
Stand
Fall down
Stand again
Light pours through several basement windows
The room is empty
The light turns grey walls shades of the sun
It's bright
Awake

I begin to wander
I touch my face
Still here
My eye is still cold, but the bleeding has stopped
My eyelid is chunky with dried blood
It still ******* hurts
Scab picker
Pain oozes through my face
A couple flakes of skin float to the ground
Sickening
I can feel the dried blood on my fingers
Chapped
Pick more
Pick more
More pieces of blood-dried skin detach from the remainder of my eyelid and float to the ground
I step on them
Bury them into the dust
My hand is stained red
Blood red
My eye begins bleeding again
I tear a piece of my shirt and press it to my wound
Leave it there
Leave it to soak

I wander in a daze until I find a staircase
Ascend
Many flights of stairs
So it seems
Until I reach the second floor
My legs are weak and numb
Weak and numb
Mouth is dry
Tastes like sand
I move my tongue around and can't feel a thing
Mind is clear
I don't like it much
Search for thoughts
Any thoughts
Nothing comes
Don't think
Press on

What am I searching for
Can't answer
Don't know
Others have answered
I don't change
I'll know when it's found

Awake
I enter into a long hallway
On either side there are empty, window-lit rooms
Rooms that are filled with chairs
Rooms that are filled with desks
Rooms that are filled with papers
Files
Curtains
Shoes
Bed frames
Electric chairs
Operation tables
Iron lungs
Toilets
Sinks
Wheelchairs
Dust
Dust
Dust
Rooms that were once filled with love
Rooms that were once filled with hate
Rooms that were once filled with laughter
Tears
Pain
Prayer
Loss
Hope
Fear
Terror
Longing
Wonder
W­orry

I remember
Each room, a name
Each name, letters
An object of identity
Object of terror
Destruction
Hate

Awake
At the end of the hall, I face a door
An illegible name continues rusting
I don't care
A light is on
It's bright
Blinding
Coming for me
Coming to get me
Wraps itself around me
Can't breathe
Chokes me
Gag
*****
Stomach contents and blood escalate up my throat and onto the cracking tile
It hurts
It ******* hurts
My throat burns acid
Spit
Stays
I cry
It stings
Tears burn my face
My eyes
Sniffle
I wipe my mouth
Taste nothing
Feel nothing

Sick
The light brings me back
I let it
Eyes remain half closed
My sight skips around and lands on a waiting chair in the middle of the room
It looks so inviting
So ******* inviting
I don't trust it
Hates me
Wants me
Wants to feed off of me
Wants to be fulfilled
I don't trust it
My legs and body ache
Wobble

Sit
The room is bright and bare
Bare walls
Bare floors
Bare ceilings
Bare emptiness
This is my room
This is my name
Mine
Sit
Don't think
Don't move
I clutch my hands together
My palms are sweaty
My feet brush the floor
They swing
I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling
Damp
Sick
Don't see
Don't hear
Don't feel
Taste
Smell
I smile
Smile a true, deep, loving smile
A smile that generates warmth
A smile that knows where it belongs
I'm home now
Home
I'm alone
Awake
Alive

I'm alive.

Huffah! Rise up!
Today a new day
So glamorous
So grand and gay
That each passing of tree frogs shall
Slither
Spoil and spit
My naked toes never touch ground
Or do they?
My flitting flee turns heads around
Upside-down
I bemuse continually
Continue to follow through
Weightless in flight
In plight
Black-tailed hawks soar shrivingly with might
I gather and twirl and spill
Arms afloat and fingers outstretched
I greet the world
Hello!
Lovely lures linger in my spine
Ascend to my neck only to
Explode with confetti out of my ramby ringing ears
Explode with laughter!
Such yippity yap cannot view
Such vague heights
They don't catch me
I spill thrice with slender legs ahooved
We all come crashing down
I give a smile
Take a frown
Such grace and beauty
An epiphany to some
An engagement to all
Bliss meets ground in the fall
It rains colors
Tickling tiny eyelashes
Clickety-click I blink!
Oh woe! How my soreness traps all reds!
Shades of yellow
Shades of gold orange brown
Teet and totter
Only to divide and conquer
My fellow
Autumn leaves as Autumn comes
For I make no rule away
Grass grasps and clings
Leaves no trace but in my hair
How it curls and shines with flings!
I lick the sweetness of blue
Gumdrops begone I beg of you
Clamber to my lips
I kiss the sweetness in pips
Of more than two

Everywhere, clocks and gears oversee
The passing storms that time their paces.
The leap between air and faces
Is more imagined than shown.
Forever lost among the few
Are trails, leaves, and traces.
Given up on chases-
I'd rather be alone.

Under the cover of darkness
Our most feared creatures dwell
Leaving our minds a mess
With only transparencies to confess
As if they were never there at all
Let's put our minds at ease
Erase the symptoms but not the disease
Have a new change of address
Listen to words but don't hear the call
Of imagined things that track our smell
For the darkness is feared most of all

I close my eyes and I am gone
Into worlds of twenty-three suns.
Carbon monoxide fills my lungs.
          Should water surround me in my wake...
          Perhaps a subconscious mistake.
I close my eyes and I am gone.

I close my eyes and I am gone
Where pitch black rooms stretch and shrink
And physics has no mortal link.
          Should Earth swallow me whole one day
          But leaves my body to stay
I will watch the world when I am gone.

I close my eyes and I am gone
Into worlds where no war is won
Or language is lost on all but one.
          Should I slice through air for eternity
          Not letting wind get the best of me
I will awake or would I be gone?

Nothing to be gained but new land
Seven hours, easily more than I could stand
A journey across
A province that's lost
Its history left on the sand

Awake in a desolate place
With memories left to erase
New ones I am seeking
Without retreating
To a concrete city of mace

Perhaps I have been here before
Maybe in dreams, maybe in lore
A fleeting romance
And a ticket by chance
So my feet will land back on the shore

Encapsulated
With thirty-six inches to breathe
Laying above matter that all stand at attention
To face the center of the room
Nothing moves and nothing changes
But evidence from soul's passing
Into an occupancy of two different windows
Curtains reach down and gently caress
The baseboard heater
That keeps me warm throughout the night
Until the bright star greets my curtains
And I greet the morning