the summer she turned 21,
she met him for the first time

with his promises of new
beginnings and sanctuaries
that she had always dreamed
of, it was no wonder she was
****** in so quickly
enamoured by all that he was

oh she had flirted with him
so many times before,
when times seemed bleak
he was always her release
in her search for something
new

so many told her
"leave him behind," for he
was bad news. they disliked
his promises, veiled with
consequences black as
midnight, black as the shawl
she wore to her father's funeral

but he was tempting
yes, he was, with eyes
that beckoned, carefully
allowing her a glimpse
of the galaxies behind them
dark galaxies that ******
her soul right into them

so she relented, allowing
herself to be drawn in
finally sinking into
his arms, sighing against
his cold unmoving chest
his stiff arms and his
lifeless eyes

the summer she turned 22,
they found her smiling
in the arms of death

this isn't the first time i've ****** up and this won't be the last time i **** up
but that won't stop me from feeling incredibly ****** everytime something like this happens
because i know
that it's my fault
and one of the worst feelings out there is breaking someone's trust and not knowing how to put it back together

i don't live for the rush of excitement
the fleeting taste of sweetness
or the sharp twinge of my nerves

i don't live for the thought of you
clouding up my head everyday
one more memory away
from seeing you again

i don't live for the bitter moments
that crowd my life
numb, unfeeling events
that make me question myself at night

i don't live for a lot of things
and i don't want to live by your rules
so why do i find myself desperately
so desperately
trying to please you?

it's confusing, and I often don't know what to make out of it
Maybe I never paid enough attention to these kind of things growing up
Maybe i just **** at telling things
Maybe I just should shut the hell up and stop jumping to conclusions that shouldn't affect me even if they were true

it's been a while since i've seen you, and it's also been a while since i've thought about you
it feels like when you were away thoughts of you just seemed to slowly fade, although the words never did
but how funny is it that one day back, i meet up with you and suddenly everything comes rushing back
and it's somewhat confusing and overwhelming at the same time

but you know what it's okay
i won't be with you anyway
because i'm not the one for you
and you are definitely not the one for me
and maybe this attraction thing is normal for people who will never be
even though it's frustrating
even though hope may sometimes bud
it will never take root and grow into
something solid
substantial
real

i'm okay with it because being around you is enough for me
your mind is what i love,
and admiring it from afar is more than anything i could ever ask for
thank you for being my friend
and thank you for being the one to make me feel

i really ******* hate it when i pick up the last slice of pizza and you make a sound of alarm
as if the idea of me ingesting another slice would be the last straw,
and i would balloon up into an obese monster

i really ******* hate it that you say, "i only had one slice of pizza,"
as if because i've eaten a slice more than you means that i'm a ******* pig

i really ******* hate it how you didn't even notice that i didn't eat anything else apart from that
you had a hugeass bowl of pasta and pizza and you still made me feel like trash, like i ate mountains more than you did, when i only had 2 slices

i really ******* hate how you made me have issues with myself

it's 2.32am and i'm sitting alone in my room cramming advert notes into my brain for the exam barely 12 hours away
i can't remember anything, but it doesn't matter. i'll cram anyway, since it's the only thing i can do now
i've cracked open a fresh can of redbull for this ****, and i'll take it one step at a time
the raw panic when i thought about having to remodule was stark and completely gripping just a couple of hours ago
now, i have reached this zen-like calm and i'm not quite sure whether to be worried that i'm being distracted by the thin girls i see on tumblr

my stomach growls. i ignore it. it's far too late to eat. the can of redbull i'm having is already 159.75 calories
159.75 calories too many
i have never been good with numbers, i once scored 0/65 for a math test 2 months before my gce o levels
but for this, i will count
i will count like how ebenezer scrooge did. with great precision and scrutiny
i was never good enough for you. i never will be. but if there's something i can control in my life, i will make it this

less is more,
and i, will always be too much.