I can't imagine how this looks
Me, face of clay
Silent windchime mouth
Aquariam glass eyeballs
Snowglobe life
Swimming in glitter
Tsunami at your hands
Plastic toes stuck
Until I lunge
Eyes flare heat
Stove top face
Coiled brain
Orange is the color I saw in you
Finger painted pianos
Mole rat grass
You took my monocle
Smashed glass in the garden
Next to tulip bulbs
That will grow in as your teeth
Fingers on mice
Like your genes
Granola girls take paths
I am glued, plastic feet
You walk around me

red berry trees
e.e cumings portrait of blonde woman
walking typing presenting conversing
walking clouds are altocumulus
walking singing aloud
man in orange shoes jogs
woman with grocery bag crosses street
trees always outshine architecture
orange and red in december
hand lovingly touching hat
doodles on papers, all triangles
doodles on hands, all triangles
curved architecture, sheep horns
reading about **** eating goats
environment saving goats
sustainability studying scientists
drinking out of plastic cups
such a thing as malevolent creativity?
wanting to plant annuals
wanting to smell dirt, feel dirt
walking weaving thru whirlpool
strange man smiling outside of bathroom
judging your own judgement
napping in hallways
success
consumerism isn't candy
it used to be sweet, not eating meat
anymore, any more questions?

goodnight

I have never had power
I have had quiet
ears ringing. closed doors. locked latches. computers.televisions. a mind.
I have had loud
ears pulsing. slamming doors. broken latches. heavy breath. a body.
I have never had a voice
I have had waves of screaming. sarcastic laugh. distracted listener. belittlement.
I have never had freedom
I have had you will do this. friends aren't allowed here. keep these things quiet.
I have never had confidence
I have had hidden tortilla chips. body in mirror. seeking another. fear of eye contact.
I have never had calm
I have had lingering rage. harboring fear. persistent inadequacy.
I have never had support.
I have had pick a side. figure it out. go away. get ready. you're fine.
I have never had a self
I have had starving. ***** in showers. lack of opinion. seeking of clues. hiding. drugs. alcohol. friends who accompany my demise.
I have never had a passion for life
I have had unfamiliar bodies. missed classes. suicidal ideation. hopelessness.
I have never had healing.
I am trying to find it now.
I am.

I rest my eyes
Wipe off water
Watch air move light
Swallow

Do you have to be large
To be melting away?
I have nothing much to lose
But things are falling

Why isn't the bug
In his body?
How do I handle his cornered
Predatory remains?

Saltines and sugar
I am now burgeoning
Into a comfortable fluctuation
Though I long held the key

I am leaving home again
Turning around, clasping
Dancing on portions of time
Swallowing, swallowing, swallowing

All of the men I've met
Have wanted to know me
From the bottom up
They start at the toes
Treading lightly
Tipping towards in a dance
That is beginning to feel like ritual
After they pass the achiles
The speed increases
Only swiftly caressing
My cut out calves
It seems they think I might slice them
Then there are the thighs
Here they rest and gain reassurance
They burrow as if they will stay for winter
They start to cautiously creep towards
The cozy meeting place
And then they ******
Suddenly I am full
A capacity I have been yearning
A community event  I am hosting
The buzzing around, the coming
The, I'm coming
Then, the going.
All of the men I've met
Have only ever met me half way
They never nustle into my stomach
Or hustle and then halt inside my heart
They do not begin to beckon
All that is living in my brain
(Meaning all of me that is living)
They do not synchronize with my breathing
They do not braid their hair into mine
They leave me slick
They slide away in efforts i can't match
My muscles strain
They climb and reach a shallow peak
And then refrain
All of the men I've met
Well, they've left me feeling plain.

To love to love to love
Negate fear
Drop fear like it is a carried number
Find home in your own respect
Give
The love you experience is yours
The love you experience is pouring
Out of your own reserves
The love they feel is theirs
This is okay.
This is perfect.
To love
Do not ask another to carry you
Do not hand over self and ask
For safe keeping
If (when) they fumble
You will diffuse blame,
Rise in anger, hatred
When the body of your emotional plane
Was only made to fit in your hands
They will always drop it.
This is okay.
This is perfect.
When you hold you
Look, heal, douse in respect
You will shrink and explode at once
You will become small again
Young, hardly wounded, calluses sanded
You will become full, overflowing
This will be okay.
This will be perfect.
To love to love to love
Is to witness another
Carry themselves with grace
And commend them for their inherent power
Their inherent compassion
Their inherent being
And think,
Yes,
This is someone I prefer unfolded.

I know I am not what you think
a woman should be
I see you flinch at the sight of these
stray hairs between my eyebrows
I know you want binaries
You want boundaries
You can't wrap your head around fluidity
I know I am not what you think
a woman should be
I know my flannel shirts untucked from miniskirts
Confuse your standardized notions
You repeatedly ask me if I'm a lesbian
As if the only way this type of femininity
Could be rational was if my sexuality
Deviated from another norm you abide by
And by the way, I'm bi.

How long will you stare at these
Uncovered pimples and army green nail polish
How long will I feel your gaze
Appraising and questioning
Every inch of my flesh?

You didn't do this when I was thin
That time when my bones were present
And my eyebrows were threaded
And my skin was covered and my
Clothes were coverings two sizes too big
Now I have multiple chins and sometimes
I let grease run down them
When I let myself eat onion rings

I don't know how to not let you
Look at me in the way that you do.