I didn't realize there was a gun in my mouth until I heard the safety click.

I hate the sound of my teeth

on metal
on metal
on metal

and the way my tongue eagerly traces the muzzle, the safety, until I look up,
my lips wrapped around a barrel, while I beg like I've never begged for any other,

and I buckle

to my knees

teeth crunching against the metal in the process
                                          and I feel my joints rusting and breaking,
because my nerves have been trained like steel and I  have been waiting,
waiting in a way
                     that makes me ashamed,
                                                  just for you to pull the trigger.

                                                       ­              Please.

                                                        ­          ******* it

                                                            ­        *********.

I am a bundle of scars
Ambidextrous
There are too many holes
In my arms
The veins are hiding
Warm fingers coax them
Come back to me
The dog returning to its *****
Hands well calloused
Smelling of diesel and grease
All fun no business
Makes me suicidal
I swore I would never become my father
But the universe finds that funny

If you would come to me
Tell me its alright
I would pass through
The blood-brain barrier
And warm your skin like sunrise
I am a son among the ******
My body feels brittle and ancient
My bones like old stone ruins
Covered in thick green moss
I prize your lies
Kept sealed in jars
Their dim glowing
Keeps me awake

Show me your claws
Show me your fangs
Scrape them on my skull
Play a song on my brain
Impulse control
Dissolved on a spoon
Momentary salvation
And eternal doom

Pincoushin
Nobody else can hurt me
Quite like myself
I've built a tolerance
To everything but you
They'll find my corpse
Tangled in the reeds
Fish eating pieces of me
And taking some home to the family

I am glorified fertilizer
A stacked up dung hill
I think I am something
In my monkey suit and tie
I cannot wait to die
And be at your side

My God!
I so wish i slept Awake!
And walked Asleep!
and saw sounds
and heard colors
and tasted shapes
and smelled feelings

Because that would make being confused
Much more interesting
Because when dreams make more sense than standing on your feet
something is definitely missing

        Whoa whoa slow the **** down
sorry i'm typing way too fast
best tell you what it feels like existing:

******' spacey delayed vision
My creaky bones and sleepy muscles keep fussing
it's like i got a lobotomy
the incisions made with spoons
by a toddler
rearranging my brain like jumbled jigsaw puzzles
and now i'm sewn up
strewn out
trying to think my way back to order
the wires are still hooked up right
but everything seems

slower
and i feel
older
And the world is a bit
colder

The whole poetry thing is horse crap
I've read better words on receipt backs
Prescription Pill Bottles
Labels Billboards Words
Spilling out in a constant horde
Fire Please light it all on fire
I'll watch your words pour black smoke
A burning tire
Some people wake up
To automatic gunfire
Primate, your environment constantly spins
Living in holes smoking crack with your
"Friends"
Tuned out I step from a third story window
Leaving two daughters and a pill head widow
Tired of seeing my pack torn apart from within
Alcohol sleeping pills its fun to pretend
Just trying to be alive! But
My poetry comes out so cheap and contrived