and every content sigh which escapes my lips-
let it be betrothed
to an excuse for my behavior
as your hands graze my hips,
let it be known
that i know i am replaceable,
but if it's in the moment-

yes- in every moment of
every half-awake hour of
each of those five nights since that
fateful friday when i first slept in your bed-
or, rather- laid rather quietly
as we made eye contact
and you asked permission
to hold me close, and you roamed,
warmed me with breath and hands and alcohol
but never bothered to venture to my lips-

in every moment-
if this is what this is-
if this is living in the moment,
with no need for anchors or consequence,
then do not let me be forgiven
for my lust and for my loneliness
but for now, accept the upcoming apology
which will spill from yearning lips
let me say
that i know you don't mean it
like i wish you did
and yet i lie here,
in my near-guilt, with you anyways

strip me of the defenses i wear
to protect myself from the cold
shoulders, the wicked stares
slip the armor from my speech
and reassure me
that i do not need it here,
past the judgment of the daytime

take the stony demeanor
from where it chafes against
my soft skin-
let it lay, discarded,
on the floor with my guardedness,
my cynicism
let me be the angel
i have learned to smother
let me spread my wings
without bruising them
on mankind's abrasive habits

here, where sin is not forgiven
but rather accepted
have me whole and nothing more
with no more negative
space-
in this room,
mold me, with accepting hands,
into what i always was
into something small, something
honest, something trusting

let me let my guard down

you said you had never
seen a girl who could drink
***** straight from the
cheap plastic bottle
its slow burn cauterizing
my mental wounds
allowing me to feel
comfortable about my
self, my body
entwined in sticky arms
under
the covers

and i said
i was not as green
as my missing four years
would encolor me
flushing my cheeks-
bare, words bare-*****
on your bare chest
fingers weaving
reassurances
through firey hair

but what i kept
close, behind closed
chapped lips
forbid to let slip
from cigarette-
burned lungs
was that never
had i ever
been nestled
so
close
to another fledgling
and yet
it felt
so natural to me

remove the gratituous ending
from this shallow fantasy.
let me exist in the middle,
see the forest for the trees
and not the meltdown, pretend like
it won't all eventually
burn
leave me in ashes

i am victim to her sinister skin
numbing my former intentions
i have no eyes for consequence
i will stay, shaky, in the present
i am ignoring the signs
this path
i'm running
along will
lead to
my demise

the walls still bleed her jade eyes
the weight of when i was trapped
in her midnight vise
(i still am)
blinded, stone-cold, and still i weep

strip my heart with a fountain pen,
the scalpel to her inky revenge
untangle her sorry mentality from mine
do not worry about the aftereffects
when i cease to be tangible, spill my regret
so i won't be bothered to
when i come back down.  

when i prove myself worthless, i can say
it was all worth it
at the time  
when she catches me, i can say
it was dreadful in her arms
but i left myself nowhere else to go

stars and stardust, we were
from the press impelled by the loneliness  
from the incessant at the bottom of crowds.
we ache for our numb bones
and false amore on top of the love-
folie a deux covers under
the shared madness- artist's hands.

attachment is trying desperately-
infatuation is "as if"
with deadly symptoms- us inseperable.
red roses lead to "as if i could"
with roses dropped, so memorize and recreate
from vases shattered, sculpt us together
so life is forever and not just golden hair,
my labor for your blue eyes,
and as fleeting as your weapons.

cities sunk and yet i, ardent, watch
from the depths of countenance.
it's all for you, i know that.
perceive its aftereffects and
we will lead its hangover headache,
divergent until you're sprawled over your serenade.

it's surreal,
the space between
sleep and waking
the greyzone
before the sandman fills
our eyes with his sweet poison
before they water, saccharine tears
welling up and absolving us of sin

we forget
which secrets
are destined to be kept
inside; despite earlier inhibitions
we decide not to lie
and in the morning we regret
the things we said

we were stars last night
we scintillated, we illuminated
the bricks around us
we brought happiness to the cement

we were stars and i
was a comet-
i fell, but before i hit
the ground, i wished
for validation; i wanted
someone to tell me
my sin was okay but
i petered out,
became watered down
and the tidal wave
pushed the beach's arms aside-
i crashed,
and i did not care for the aftermath.

i do not wish to see you
if you still shine brighter than i-
not when i still miss my own light.
i apologize for the trickery-
i know i said i was fine,
but i was falling when you met me.

it's strange
the way brain waves
can roll up
onto someone else's beaches
and still feel at home
like the tide-pool-rejects
were all they'd ever known
like the nervous tics beached on the sand
were once their own

as if we had shared roots
at some point but branched off
i see patterns in you
which i thought were mine alone
geographically isolated, we still situated
ourselves into the same niche
brought thought processes
up from where
they were etched into our bones

perhaps we're the same species-
mine a shade stranger than yours
but still with similar history

you said i'd been in your head
since that night we tried to talk
i stumbled over my words
and you said you thought better on paper

you said i knew your thought process
but how you phrased it made it
sound like i'd been on your mind

well, you've been on mine